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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
Being a postal game of En Garde! run by Pevans since April 1986 and now published as part of To Win Just Once.
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Orders for January 1661 to LPBS, 180 Aylsham Drive,
UXBRIDGE UB10 8UF
or the LPBS orders e-mail address
by Friday, 26th October 2007
Game Report for December 1660
Sections: Duels, Trials, Appointments and Regiments, What happened in Paris, What happened at the front.
The season of goodwill starts just the same as any other in Paris – with lots of men trying to hack lumps out of each other with swords. Horatio d’Escargot tries a shortcut: he throws his two-hander at Bud d’Wiser. D’Wiser is on the defensive, blocking and dodging, and the big sword flies over his head. D’Escargot doesn’t seem to know what to do now he doesn’t have a weapon. He appeals to his second, Lun a’Tic, who shrugs his shoulders and mouths something. Meanwhile, d’Wiser continues to block and dodge. Then he realises that he’s missing an opportunity and swings his sabre in a slash. Finally hit by an attack, d’Escargot offers his surrender and d’Wiser accepts.
Next up we have a series of duels between those perennial enemies, the Cardinal’s Guard and the King’s Musketeers. First up are CG Colonel Jean Laissez Faire and KM Lieutenant-Colonel Walter Butts. Both men have rapiers and Butts is backed by his commander, Zachary The Money Goes, and Field Marshal Sean Sondamour. The two duellists are evenly matched, but Butts strikes first by starting with a furious lunge. Laissez Faire comes back at him with a slash before he’s hit by the cut that follows up the lunge. Laissez Faire slashes again as Butts recovers his guard and then hits him with a lunge. Butts has taken enough damage and he concedes the fight.
Sondamour assists Butts with some bandages and The Money Goes takes his place as Laissez Faire’s adversary. This is far from a fair fight: the solidly built The Money Goes is much the bigger man and Laissez Faire is already injured. A jump from Laissez Faire proves a canny move as he dodges The Money Goes’ lunge. Regaining his footing, Laissez Faire attacks with a lunge of his own, only to run on to a cut as The Money Goes completes his furious lunge. Laissez Faire surrenders.
Walter Butts has been patched up and is ready to face another opponent: Lucien d’Escaillehuitaillements. This is even more of a mis-match, but Butts doesn’t flinch – even though he is less skilled with his rapier as well as far slighter than his adversary. Butts starts with the first part of a furious lunge to score first blood. D’Escaillehuitaillements replies with a lunge of his own and Butts surrenders.
This leaves d’Escaillehuitaillements and The Money Goes to square off against each other. The men would be well matched were The Money Goes not far more skilled with his rapier than d’Escaillehuitaillements is with his. D’Escaillehuitaillements tries to be clever by parrying, but doesn’t have the expertise to maintain this and The Money Goes slips a lunge and a slash past his guard. Then d’Escaillehuitaillements gets his timing right, parries another lunge and ripostes to injure The Money Goes for the first time. Another slash from The Money Goes gets past d’Escaillehuitaillements’ guard, but then a sequence of three lunges is stopped by matching parries. After each one, d’Escaillehuitaillements retaliates with a riposte. Three of these wears down The Money Goes and he capitulates. That makes it 3:1 to the Cardinal’s Guard this month.
Egon Mad II doesn’t show up to fight Gar de Lieu, but Beppe de Marko does. Seconded by a bloody Zachary The Money Goes. De Marko uses a sabre against the rapier of de Lieu, whose second is Stan Dandy Liver. A lunge from de Lieu is partly deflected by a slash from de Marko. Neither blow does much damage, but de Marko surrenders.
KMs: can’t live with them
Having fought (and lost) for the honour of the King’s Musketeers, Walter Butts surprises everyone by resigning his commission and applying to join the 13th Fusiliers. He tries to buy his way to command of the regiment, but is, of course, limited to the rank of Major. To progress further, he’ll have to get the Lt-Colonel out of the way. New boy Zeus Aspillais is signed up for the Crown Prince Cuirassiers by Stewart Senquiry and buys a Captaincy. Antoine Valois admits Swender de Jewel to the Dragoon Guards. He can’t get as far as Major and has to settle for the rank of Captain. Egon Mad II joins the Royal Foot Guards, courtesy of Averell d’Alton, and buys his way to Major.
Field Marshal Sean Sondamour offers venerable General Co W Ard Extrème command of First Army. The General doesn’t bother to reply, which saves some embarrassment as the post is still held by General Revaulvin d’Or. Roget de Saurus calls in a favour to make sure that he gets the job of Brigade Major of the Fourth Foot. In Government, Minister of State Gaston de St Marque fills the vacancy at Minister of Justice by appointing Gustav Ind. After accepting the post, Ind receives a Knighthood in recognition of his public service.
This may be the start of a new season, but quite a few people are keen to spend it in action on the frontiers. Antoine Valois volunteers the Dragoon Guards and Thomas Tudo gives the Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers their marching orders. New DG Major Swender de Jewel doesn’t get long in Paris to have his uniform fitted. Lt-Colonel Indie Soupe takes his Squadron of the Princess Louisa Light Dragoons into action. That’s a lot of cavalry and Major Leffe Bier’s Battalion of the Cardinal’s Guard doesn’t do much to redress the balance.
Dancing Queens
The big event this month is Devlin Carnate’s Christmas horse race. But before then Pierre de Mont-Rëal holds “Saturday Night Fever” at Bothwell’s for two weeks. Pierre’s dancing partner is Polly Hydronne and several other couples join them on the dance floor. But not Pierre de Vin Rouge or Roget de Saurus. They are not prepared to pay Pierre de MR’s perfectly reasonable entrance price and have to kick their heels outside Bothwell’s. Roget has had enough after one week, but Pierre de VR comes back for more.
The only non-dancing guest is Roland Pollee d’Eaulee, who brings no partner with him, but is there for two weeks (before continuing to fail in his courting efforts). Zachary The Money Goes brings Anna Rexique with him for the first week. The other couples return for a second week. They are Aloysius Gnomeclencher and Deb Estaround, Benedict d’Over and Ophelia Derriere, Egon Mad II and Katy Did, Stewart Senquiry and Leia Orgasma. The first 20-crown prize goes to Benedict and Ophelia, with Egon and Katy getting the second.
Pierre and Polly return to Bothwell’s for the rest of the month, but without the razzamatazz. Averell d’Alton and Lun a’Tic are to be found in the club in the last week with their respective companions, Guinevere d’Arthur and Bess Ottede. In fact, all four were there in the first two weeks as well, steering well clear of Pierre’s party.
Racing queens
Then it’s time to go racing. Devlin Carnate takes Angelina di Griz to cheer him on as he enters his own race. Roget de Saurus comes along to spectate, as do Averell d’Alton and Guinevere d’Arthur and Lun a’Tic and Bess Ottede. Lining up alongside Devlin are Benedict d’Over, Euria Humble, Gaston de St Marque, Gustav Ind, Jean Laissez Faire and Stewart Senquiry. Edna Bucquette is there to cheer on Euria, Bette Noire is backing Gaston, Jacky Tinne cheers for her new lover, Gustav, Ophelia Derriere supports Benedict and Leia Orgasma is Stewart’s partisan. The race is expected to be between Devlin, Gaston and Stewart, with Gustav and Jean vying for last place.
The expected threesome makes the early running. Then Stewart applies the spurs to lead the race into the first bend. Devlin maintains station half a length behind him, but Gaston is already a length down on Devlin as they exit the corner. Gustav is just behind Gaston with Benedict and Euria jostling in his wake. Jean has made a poor start and is a length and a half behind everybody else when he finally clears the bend.
The horses thunder down the back straight, but it looks like Stewart has shot his bolt as his mount is fading fast. Devlin maintains a smooth, fast pace, exits the final corner in the lead and reaches the line first. Stewart hangs on, applies the whip and takes second place just half a length down. Gaston maintains a steady pace to the finish. Gustav’s initial burst of speed doesn’t last and he slows round the final bend. Benedict surges past him on the outside and gallops hard down the final straight. He catches Gaston on the line to share third place. Gustav is behind him, well clear of Euria. Jean canters in some time later.
Queen of clubs
There are no parties in the Fleur de Lys this month, but the club still has quite a few visitors. Bud d’Wiser is there all month with Maggie Nifisent. Beau Romir brings Frances Forrin for all four weeks. And Ella Fant accompanies Sean Sondamour for the duration. When not racing, Devlin Carnate and Angelina di Griz are also in the Fleur. Beppe de Marko turns up in week 3 with Kathy Pacific on his arm. It’s taken two weeks’ courting to win her affections from Jean Laissez Faire, so he’s very pleased to show her off. Twice. Other visitors are Charlemagne le Gosse and Lois de Low and Stan Dandy Liver and Lotte Bottle for one week. Plus Gaston de St Marque and Bette Noire for two. Horatio d’Escargot turns up for two weeks, looking for Orson de Combat, but there’s no sign of his putative host.
Hunter’s remains empty until the very end of December when Benedict d’Over arrives for a quiet drink with Ophelia Derriere. The Blue Gables is much busier. Marie Antoinette is there with Renaul Baptiste Grenoble for the first week. The following week Sue Briquet attends on the arm of Roget de Saurus and Pet Ulante turns up with her new beau, Jacques de la Boite. Pierre de Vin Rouge arrives at the Blue Gables in week 3 and is joined by two guests: Jacques de la Boite and Michel Entire. At the same time Gregory Lessore de Saviour rolls up. Armand dan Gerous arrives to Toady to him. These two are back the following week. Also returning to the club are Pierre de Vin Rouge and Mary and Renaul and Marie.
At the Frog & Peach, it is Singes d’Ecureuil who is first through the door. He is there for the middle two weeks and is the audience for Zeus Aspillais showing off his new conquest, Sheila Kiwi. Zeus and Sheila return for the last week of the month. Beau de Cire is there as well and the three witness the arrival of Ava Crisp on the arm of Alain Hermès. This rather makes up for Alain’s blunder at the beginning of December when he tries to court Di Lemmere. He is ushered in to the presence of her current beau, Ferdinand Franz. At least he appreciates the flowers. Finally, Red Phillips is home to Armand dan Gerous for the first half of the month.
Queen of tarts
December is a classic month for Jacques Shitacks. He passes three weeks practising his cutlass moves and then repairs to the Bawdyhouses for some festive cheer. Lucien d’Escaillehuitaillements’ month is almost as good. He visits the Bawdyhouses first, spends his cash indulging his baser lusts, is tapped by the footpads and passes the rest of the month with his rapier, working out just what his moves should have been. Jean Laissez Faire puts in three weeks’ practice with his rapier, breaking off only to go racing. Walter Butts is in the gym for three weeks with his rapier after an abortive visit to his club. Unfortunately, he hasn’t been able to re-join Hunter’s so he has nowhere to go. Neither has Egon Mad II as he didn’t have the cash to pay his membership dues for Hunter’s. After their week in the Fleur, Charlemagne le Gosse and Stan Dandy Liver pass the rest of the month practising with rapier and cutlass, respectively.
The whereabouts of Gaston de St Marque at the start of December is explained when he serves a warrant on the stay-at-home Co W Ard Extrème, who spends the next week in the Bastille and will be on trial at the start of January. Zachary The Money Goes disappears after week 1. Yet again, he is busy in the bowels of his bureau, digging the dirt on the denizens of Paris. Michel Entire provides the footpads with some income as he is mugged on the way back from Bawdyhouses and relieved of his loose change. They have a go at Euria Humble, too, but he’s spent all his money on loose women. It’s not clear why, as he was clearly at home with Edna in week 2 – as Gar de Lieu found out when he came courting. Singes d’Ecureuil gets home safely after his visit to the red light district. So does Ferdinand Franz a week earlier, but he lost the 50 crowns he put on the tables in one wager.
Kings and Knaves
It may be winter, but the French forces have decided to attack into Alsace. However, the mud means it’s heavy going for the cavalry and a dreary slog for the infantry. The Dragoon Guards and the Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers come under sustained long-range artillery fire that takes it toll without giving them any chance to counter-attack. DG Colonel Antoine Valois is Mentioned in Despatches for leading his men in song in order to keep up morale. New Captain Swender de Jewel earns quick promotion to Major, though it’s only a brevet rank for the time being. The ALC commander, Lt-Colonel Thomas Tudo, is also Mentioned as he maintains morale by flogging any man who sings.
69A Captain Alan à Ganatcher Alie is assigned to Frontier regiment 2 and hitches a comfortable ride on a supply wagon rather than trudge through the mud. A promotion makes his brevet rank permanent. Major Leffe Bier’s Cardinal’s Guard Battalion is also with this regiment. There’s a Mention in Despatches for him as he keeps his men in order when the Frontier troops run for it.
Lt-Colonel Indie Soupe’s PLLD Squadron joins Frontier regiment 3. Soupe shows the folly of trying to charge through the mud: his Dragoons are just too slow and are forced to retire under heavy fire. Lt-Colonel Soupe doesn’t make it. RIP. Neither does 13F Captain Thierry la Belle when Frontier regiment 4 is routed by some well-directed cannonballs. RIP. General Revaulvin d’Or chooses to serve with the Royal North Highland Border regiment, where he is able to command a Battalion. The Highlanders show their mettle by outflanking the enemy position and capturing several cannon. There’s a lengthy Mention in Despatches for General d’Or, who also picks up 1500 crowns worth of booty. That’s a good first month for the General.