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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
Being a postal game of En Garde! run by Pevans since April 1986 and now published as part of To Win Just Once.
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Orders for February 1661 to LPBS, 180 Aylsham Drive,
UXBRIDGE UB10 8UF
or the LPBS orders e-mail address
by Friday, 30th November 2007
Game Report for January 1661
Sections: Duels, Trials, Appointments and Regiments, What happened in Paris, What happened at the front.
It’s a New Year, but it starts just like any other: with Parisians hacking each other apart with their swords. That’s the way we like it!
First up are CG Colonel Jean Laissez Faire and his regimental enemy, Major Benedict d’Over, Regimental Adjutant of the King’s Musketeers. D’Over has his boss, Zachary The Money Goes, as his second. Laissez Faire has just his rapier. He’s also on the wrong end of the size difference. D’Over starts with a furious lunge and runs his opponent through. Laissez Faire surrenders. And excuses himself from his duel with Beppe de Marko.
Lieutenant-General Euria Humble feels uncomfortable that his second, Stan Dandy Liver, is also seconding his opponent, Lt-Gen Gar de Lieu. However, the other two seem comfortable enough with the arrangement and the duel proceeds. Old wounds make de Lieu the definite underdog against the beefy Euria Humble. Not to mention the cutlass in Humble’s hand opposed to de Lieu’s less competent rapier. Both men start by blocking, which delays Humble’s first slash just long enough that de Lieu has dropped his guard. One hefty blow is sufficient for de Lieu and he concedes the fight.
This brings us to Brigadier-General Alain Hermès and Major Ferdinand Franz, who have a dispute over Mademoiselle Di Lemmere. Despite being a cavalryman, Franz uses a rapier, as does his adversary. He is at a further disadvantage when his physique is set against the strapping Hermès. Hermès starts with a lunge, which Franz parries and scores first blood with a riposte. Then Franz blocks, expecting a slash, but Hermès goes straight past his guard with a cut, the concluding part of his furious lunge. Franz goes for a furious lunge, getting in both parts of the attack while Hermès recovers his balance. Hermès comes straight back with a lunge and Franz capitulates.
Hanging Judge
The next order of business is the trial of General Co W Ard Extrème. The General appears to be in one of his depressed moods as he sits gloomily in the dock, not responding to anything. The Commissioner of Public Safety, Zachary The Money Goes, opens proceedings with the case against General Extrème.
“Co W. Ard Extrème is guilty of high treason, receiving stolen property and evading questioning on said matters, despite a generous amnesty offer. Quintessentially being stupid and thinking he is above the law!”
Then he addresses the judge, Minister of State Gaston de St Marque.
“I implore you to set an example and show that this administration means business! When we say we intend to rid the government of corruption, we mean it – no matter how much time has passed, or who the offenders are.”
Extrème offers no defence, so it is left to the Count de St Marque to issue his verdict and sentence.
“Co W Ard Extrème, you have been accused in this court of high treason and receiving stolen property – namely funds unlawfully taken from the Treasury by the traitor, Baron Vader, and paid to you in April 1658, either for your joint part in that criminal enterprise or as a bribe to ignore his offence. The Parisian Gazette fully reported the incident at the time, but no-one was able to pursue the matter due to the complicity of your corrupt government. Now, however, matters are very different.
“Despite the amnesty offered by my administration in good faith to all those who came forward and confessed their crimes, you chose not to reveal your part in the affair. I made it very clear at that time that those who did not make full confession and reparation would face the death penalty. Whilst you succeeded in evading the long arm of the law for nearly a year, the hour of your fate is now upon you and you must pay for what you have done. I therefore sentence you to be taken from this court to a place of execution and your head stricken from your body.”
There is commotion in the court as Stan Dandy Liver interrupts. “Oh, come off it! Not ’til he’s paid his debts, please!”
“However, this court is not without mercy and takes due cognisance of your service to France in both the armed forces and at the helm of government. I am determined that France shall be a modern and enlightened country, which will take its place in the brotherhood of civilised nations if I have to drag it kicking and screaming into the seventeenth century. To this end, your execution will not be carried out by ‘breaking on the wheel’, like a common criminal, but rather by means of a marvellous new machine created by Dr Joseph-Ignace Guillotin, which he assures me should be both swift and merciful in removing your head from your body with a minimum of pain.
And may God have mercy on your soul!”
Jobless Judge
De St Marque forestalls any possible reprieve by using his influence with the King to persuade him against commuting the sentence. Extreme is taken away for his date with Doctor Guillotin’s apparatus. Then de St Marque surprises everyone by resigning as Minister of State. He promptly announces that he will re-apply for the job – presumably this is intended as a kind of vote of confidence from His Majesty.
Stan Dandy Liver calls in a favour to make sure that the current Brigadier of Third Foot retains his post. This makes sure that Alain Hermès can’t get the appointment. Heavy Brigadier Horatio d’Escargot offers the job of Brigade Major to Zeus Aspillais of the CPCs. Aspillais has just bought his way to Major, which annuls his application to be Regimental Adjutant. He turns down d’Escargot’s offer as the position is currently occupied – by the senior Major in the ALCs.
Colonel Averell d’Alton signs up new boys Indie Spencible and Jacen Moulan for the Royal Foot Guards, but turns down Emmanuel Banois’s application. Spencible buys himself a Captaincy, but Moulan is happy to be a Private. Banois may feel he’s the luckiest of the three, as Egon Mad 2 and Beau Romir volunteer their Battalions of the RFG and both new men go into action on the Frontiers. It’s the Royal Marines for Renauld Culvert d’Eau. He is admitted by Gustav Ind and purchases the rank of Captain. J’accuse L’amour offers his services to the Grand Duke Max Dragoons, but Bud d’Wiser is not interested in a new recruit.
Charity Balls
The big event of January is Euria Humble’s New Year’s Ball in support of the Paris Orphanage – which Euria originally established in 1658. He and Edna Bucquette are pleased to welcome anyone prepared to donate some money to this worthy cause. Top of the donors list is Beppe de Marko. He and Kathy Pacific provide 500 crowns for the cause. Zachary The Money Goes and Anna Rexique donate 200. Aloysius Gnomeclencher and Deb Estaround give a hundred, as do Stewart Senquiry and Leia Orgasma – though Stewart asks for a receipt “for tax purposes”. Renaul Culvert d’Eau contributes a further 80 on his own. Gaston de St Marque and Bette Noire donate 50. So do Pierre de Vin Rouge and Mary Huana. Another 50 crowns come from Emmanuel Banois and 50 more from J’accuse L’amour. Zeus Aspillais and Sheila Kiwi stump up 30 crowns. Pierre de Mont-Rëal intends to do the same, but, to the embarrassment of his escort, Polly Hydronne, he only has 6 crowns left in his purse. Mainly because the bailiffs have grabbed virtually all he had to repay his debts. Mind you, he was able to pay 20 Crowns to the Treasury as ‘Duelling Tax’. Alain Hermès and Ava Crisp are able to give 25 crowns. Beau de Cire provides a further 12 and Ferdinand Franz 10. Gregory Lessore de Saviour finds 7 crowns. Roget de Saurus does not want to give any money until Euria makes it clear that this is the price of entry and he forks over a token crown. Benedict d’Over, Roland Pollee d’Eaulee and Stan Dandy Liver will not provide any donation and are accordingly refused admittance. A good time is had by all, until Gregory realises that Stewart may have a higher social standing, but is not of noble birth. He issues the requisite challenge. Ferdinand is a bit surprised to be at the party, as he wasn’t expecting to be able to re-pay his debts. However, a little creative accounting allows him to re-schedule his loan – though it’s a bit larger than it was. To celebrate, he visits the gaming tables, but the amount he wants to wager is below the house minimum.
Alongside Euria’s Ball in the Fleur, Sean Sondamour is receiving guests from the upper strata of society. Most of these are with him for the whole of January: Averell d’Alton and Guinevere d’Arthur; Gar de Lieu and Katy Did; Horatio d’Escargot and Henrietta Carrotte; Jacques Shitacks; Lun a’Tic and Bess Ottede; Orson de Combat and Fifi. Devlin Carnate and Angelina di Griz visit for the first week. As the party gets going, Horatio spots Ferdinand at the Ball. Accordingly, he trots over to exchange challenges with this member of his enemy regiment. Unfortunately, this disturbance attracts the attention of Zachary The Money Goes. “Ah,” says the Commissioner of Public Safety, “that reminds me.” He calls over a lackey and riffles through the pouch of parchments the man carries. Extracting one, he hands it Horatio. Horatio reads it, unaware that several burly, uniformed men have entered the room. Before he can protest his innocence, he is dragged out to the Bastille. Zack then spots a similar document addressed to Alain Hermès and he, too, feels a heavy hand on his collar. However, it’s not all one way as Beau de Cire smacks Zack across the cheek and offers him the opportunity to demonstrate how to use a cutlass properly. Having just paid 20 Crowns into the Treasury as ‘Duelling Tax’, Zack can feel another payment approaching.
Clubs and clubbings
After which, the subsequent weeks in the Fleur are something of an anti-climax. Sean’s party continues, the regulars being joined by Beppe de Marko and Kathy, who stay for the rest of the month. Stan Dandy Liver brings Lotte along for a couple of weeks. Zack and Anna and Gaston and Katy pop in for a week. This puts a bit of a damper on things as the guests watch the CPS with worried expressions. However, Zack doesn’t produce any more warrants. The following week Horatio and Henrietta are back with some sordid stories of life in the Bastille. Euria and Edna join the party, too.
Things liven up a bit at the end of January as Gustav Ind has invited much of Paris to join him and Jacky Tinne for a drink. Quite a few Parisians take up the invitation. Alas, J’accuse L’amour and Renaul Culvert d’Eau seem not to have read the invitation closely enough. They don’t meet the criteria for admittance and are left to kick their heels in the club’s foyer. Michel Entire, however, has a personal invitation and is admitted despite his shortcomings. He joins Aloysius Gnomeclencher and Deb, Beau de Cire, Emmanuel Banois, Gregory Lessore de Saviour, Jacques de la Boite and Pet Ulante, Stand Dandy Liver and Lotte and Zeus Aspillais showing off his new conquest, Emma Roides.
Visitors to the other clubs are sparse. Benedict d’Over and Ophelia spend the balance of the month in Hunter’s after their abortive visit to the Fleur. Jacques de la Boite and Pet start their January in Blue Gables. Then Roget de Saurus and Sue pop in. Stewart Senquiry is there for the second half of the month with Leia. Also visiting, for the first of those weeks, are Pierre de Vin Rouge and Mary. However, Gaston de St Marque is stuck outside as he, alone, has not spotted that Gregory Lessore de Saviour cancelled his proposed meeting.
The Frog & Peach sees Zeus Aspillais call in with Sheila before he goes wooing Emma. Renaul Culvert d’Eau is also lucky in love, winning the affections of Josephine Buonaparte. He takes her to Red Phillips to make sure all of Paris knows about this. Pierre de Mont Rouge intends to visit his club, too. Unfortunately, a slight financial embarrassment means he’s been unable to pay his dues this month and his membership has lapsed. Worse than that, he can’t afford his stabling fees and his horses are taken in lieu.
Charlemagne le Gosse spends a week in the Fleur with Lois de Lowe. He has just the company of his rapier for the rest of January. Jean Laissez Faire also spends three weeks with his rapier. His fourth week being one of debauchery at the Bawdyhouses. The footpads consider him a prime target, but he’s spent his cash. So, too, has Gaston de St Marque. He is mugged after visiting the Prix d’Or to conclude his month. Gustav Ind gets three weeks practice with his cutlass before hitting the Fleur as host. Aloysius Gnomeclencher puts in two weeks with rapier between parties. As does Jacques de la Boite. Devlin Carnate takes Angelina to the Fleur after parting with Sean Sondamour. Then it’s two weeks practice with his sabre. Other two-weekers are Alain Hermès (rapier), Ferdinand Franz (rapier), Lucien d’Escaillehuitaillements (rapier), Roget de Saurus (rapier) and Roland Pollee d’Eaulee (sabre). Beau de Cire tires himself out by practising cutlass techniques for a week and Emmanuel Banois fits in a week with his rapier.
Lucien d’Escaillehuitaillements is one of several visitors to the red light district after an abortive week courting a certain young lady. Also getting their oats are Beau de Cire and Emmanuel Banois, both of whom attract the notice of the footpads. The ruffians go away empty handed, though. Gregory Lessore de Saviour and Roland Pollee d’Eaulee receive no unwelcome attentions after their visits. There is success with the ladies for both Michel Entire and J’accuse L’amour. This follows both men turning up on the same lady’s doorstep the week before. J’accuse stands down, but this doesn’t help Michel. Pierre de Vin Rouge gets his chance when his intended’s current beau is arrested. He blows it.
Mud and blood
In Alsace the heavy, intermittent rain continues. The resulting mud makes the Frontier regiments’ attacks slow motion affairs again. They take heavy casualties. The cavalry regiments are thrown into the fray during a pause in the rainfall, but can’t manage to move any faster. Stuck in the mud, the Dragoon Guards are blasted by enemy artillery. First to fall is the ever-valiant Colonel Sir Antoine Valois. RIP. After this the regiment falls apart. Except for Major Swender de Jewel, who rallies his Squadron to receive a Mention in Despatches. His rank is confirmed. The Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers keep away from the gunfire and Lt-Colonel Thomas Tudo is Mentioned for his manoeuvring skills.
Frontier Regiment 2 engages the enemy forces and keeps them busy. Captain Alan à Ganatcher Alie of the 69th Arquebusiers serves with this regiment and is brevetted to Major for his sterling work. Major Egon Mad 2’s RFG Battalion bolsters the Frontier troops. The Major is Mentioned in Despatches (“huge stack of bodies”), while Private Jacen Moulan is lucky to survive with his head intact after a musketball bounces off his helmet. A baptism of fire indeed. Major Leffe Bier’s Cardinal’s Guard Battalion makes the difference and takes the attack to the enemy. His bravery brings him brevet promotion to Lt-Colonel and a Mention (“you’d’ve thought he had God on his side”).
The Royal North Highlanders make the breakthrough, spearheaded by the Battalion led by Brigadier-General Revaulvin d’Or. His name goes into the Despatches and he is able to grab nearly two thousand Crowns’ worth of booty as the opposition retreats. They are hastened on their way by Frontier regiment 3 and Beau Romir’s Battalion of the RFG. There is 1500 Crowns for Captain Romir – though what he really, really wants is to see his name in the Despatches – and the best part of a thousand for new Captain Indie Spencible.