From the diary of Egon Madd,
I hate being at the Front, a man could get killed here (again). If it wasn’t for the fact that I owe the body snatchers and arm and a leg (literally), I’d be back to Paris like a shot.

To All Loyal Men of Paris,
Come, join the country’s premier regiment, the King’s Musketeers, and ensure that France’s enemies are hunted down and dispatched. Places are still available, but please apply early to avoid any disappointment.
Generous bonuses available and help with purchasing your commission.
† B.Bdr-General The Money Goes, King’s Musketeers

To those newly arrived in Paris:
  The Cardinal’s Guard is the leading regiment in the kingdom of France.
  Who else has God’s own hand to protect their backs on the battlefield and to soften the occasional jump from a fair damsel’s balcony?
  Sign in this month! His Eminence will grant you his blessings.

Sir
I shall this month be applying to join the illustrious regiment Picardy Mucketeers. Please accept my application for the vacant Captain’s post and I look forward to shoving my Rapier up the @rse of a 4th @rsebandit.
    Best regards,
† Dominique L’Etoile

“Mucketeers”? And they let him in?!
† Le Roi

The QOC will be paying a flying visit to the front next month. Any gentleman seeking the opportunity to serve the King need look no further.
† RPdE commanding

That’ll be next quarter, actually.
† Le Roi

Cher B. Brigadier-General Alain Hermès
Sir, I do believe that you could not be more succinct in your appraisal of the current situation involving those areas of our fair city where we must be on our guard at all times.
Therefore, I, Colonel Pierre de Vin Rouge, commanding officer of the Picardy Musketeers, hereby volunteer my Regiment in full support of any endeavour that our friends the 27th Musketeers instigate to remedy this appalling situation.
When any such action is organized, I can offer a highly motivated force, which will be in very close proximity to any action, because when not on duty most of them will be in the Bawdy House district anyway!
I would beg to offer one small alteration to your plan though. Instead of pitching these repulsive creatures outside the city or into the Seine, I humbly suggest that they are rounded up, secured within a hidden compartment located in a suitable conveyance and smuggled to England where they can become a blight on their so-called civilization.
† Colonel Pierre de Vin Rouge
Commanding Officer, Picardy Musketeers

Cher Roget,
  I’d be interested in a mutual seconds arrangement – care to discuss the matter further over a roast fowl plate and a bottle of claret?
† Colonel Jean Laissez Faire, CG

Mmm, elevenses!† Le Roi

My Dear de Combat, I will gladly meet you on the field of honour as soon as I can arrange it. Perhaps you can prevail upon your master to grant me an amnesty or even a pardon so I may return the sooner. After all, I am somewhat occupied fighting His Majesty’s enemies. You should try it some time.
† General Revaulvin d’Or

GLdS,
I am outraged that someone who is frequently seen leaving the seedier parts of this city can challenge me for my low birth.
I may have come from the gutter, but unlike you, I’m not intent on staying there.
  Yours,
† Stewart Senquiry

To the Gentlemen of Paris who most recently attended the New Year’s Ball in support of the Paris Orphanage I wish to extend my most heartfelt gratitude and thanks. The ball was an enormous success and raised a total of 1,279 crowns. Work has already begun on the replacement of the lead upon our leaking roof and it is to be hoped that the bursary fund for young and deserving gentlefolk -down on their luck – will be able to support more young men during the forthcoming year.
† Earl Euriah (Ever So) Humble

GRAND SPRINGTIME DARTS TOURNAMENT
WIN A CHANCE TO MEET THE CROWN PRINCE!
During weeks 1-3 of March there will be a Grand Darts Tournament (+ chance to party) at my club. Highest score with three darts wins!
This party-championship is open to all of SL 13+ and is free. There will be three rounds of competition, one per week, and you can have a go EACH WEEK if you want (i.e. the more weeks you come the more chance you have to win!).
The winner will be invited to join me for a special PRIVATE DINNER with the CROWN PRINCE (SL 25) during week 4 (make it a conditional order – “if I win …” etc).
So come on lads – let’s hurl some (darts, that is).
† Beau Romir (Aide to the Crown Prince)

Egon Madd Memorial Ball
  To commemorate the life of the great scientist, you are invited to the inaugural Egon Madd Memorial Ball. Egon Madd’s twin/clone/zombie may join us.
  All gentlemen of Paris and their ladies are welcome at my club in Week 4, where the trophy and an award of 750 crowns will be made for the prson with the city’s most enquiring mind.
  There is still time to enter, please send all ideas to my usual address or feel free to bring a prototype or design to the ball.
† Stewart Senquiry

General Announcement
To celebrate a new phase in the development of the 13th Fusiliers, a party will be held at Hunters in week 2 next month. All prospective candidates are welcome and any new recruits will have their expenses reimbursed. Members of the King’s Musketeers are to visit the bar at my expense. All other visitors are welcome. Please bring your ladies.
† Colonel Sir Walter Butts (13th Fusiliers)

Cher Orson de Combat
My comments about encompassing the death of a peasant were at heart a jest; it is well known that all Frenchmen are equal in the eyes of God and the Cardinal. It’s just that some are more equal than others.
† Le Bladder Noire

To my most generous friend Stan Dandy Liver
I wish to offer my most humble apologies that you were stopped at the door by the ushers. Had I realized your desire to attend I would have gladly made a donation to the Orphanage on your behalf. Please be assured that your recent attendance as second (admittedly to both sides) in my duel against the Baron Gar de Lieu has placed me deep in your debt. Let me know if there is any way I can recompense you for the inconvenience you have suffered.
† Earl Euriah (Ever So) Humble

Beau Romir
You are asserting that the Crown Prince is a liar?
This seems unseemly.
If his Majesty’s Aide cannot rouse himself to defend his master from this slur, I will have to challenge you myself on your return from the front.
† Aloysius Gnomenclencher

Any relation to Aloysius Gnome-clencher? Though gnomen clenching is probably a less stressful occupation. † Le Roi

The correspondent who thinks 25% is a quintile was ill-advised to comment on IQ.† ME

Lord Percy Percy
I am intrigued to know whose puppet you believe I am. However, on another note entirely, to prove that I, too, enjoy a good joke, let me offer you one of mine in return: as fashion in Paris is tending towards important figures in court circles losing their heads, Lord Percy Percy is in severe danger of becoming very fashionable. I beg you, Lord Percy Percy, don’t let my indulgence of you go to your head. Your rapier-like wit is so sharp you could cut yourself... or I could arrange for Dr Guillotin to cut you instead.
† Count Gaston de St Marque
Minister of State

I say, isn’t that one – or two – of Oscar’s?† Le Roi

To Parisian Headhunters Inc
I formally withdraw my application to become the Aide to Brigadier-General Mont Rëal. Please thank this kind gentleman for considering me so favourably but, sadly, I have been unable to persuade the present incumbent to this prestigious post to ‘move on’. I have decided to further my military career through the ranks of the King’s Musketeers and have accepted the position of Captain, which precludes me from the Aide’s position.
    Regards,
† Gregory Lessore-de-Saviour

His Majesty’s mercy is only matched by his justice and boundless generosity!† RdO

You can say that again!† Le Roi

His Majesty’s mercy is only matched by his justice and boundless generosity!† RdO

Oh, yes: it never gets old!† Le Roi

        4th Arquebusiers
Average IQ: Genius
Lucky Colour: Green
Lucky Stone: Bill Watts
Quip: After you, Cecil

Waste of time and energy these trials: I for one will not be paying the Duelling Tax as it is not legal.
† HdE

To B.Bdr-General The Money Goes,
Many thanks for your kind word last month – I only hope I can do as good a job as you have trained me to and make the 13thF a regiment to be proud of.
  Your Friend,† Walter Butts

Indeed, it has been pointed out to me that some Parisians are capable of cutting themselves with a bread knife. Do not despair, and keep up your practicing, and soon you will be able to cut yourself with a spoon.
† Aloysius Gnomeclencher

Letter to Philippe Lemonier from PdMR
Philippe, my old friend
Circumstances have forced me to volunteer for the front. If the worst happens, please convey the attached note to my mother and tell her I did it for the best of reasons, for the glory of France!
The truth is, Philippe, I am in rather a spot of bother and have fallen out with the Shylocks. Thought I could borrow my way to a position where the rewards would follow. I don’t even have the money for a horse and risk losing my Army rank! Even tried those B@st@rds at “Yescar Credit” for a loan to buy horses and was turned down.
Hopefully a few weeks kicking the Spanish will refill my pockets.
    Yours,† Pierre

It is reported that a man walked into a bar frequented by the Cardinal’s Guard. He swaggered up to the bar and ordered a Bottle of Rosé. Apparently one of the senior officers present went up to him to ask what he thought he was doing in their bar. And it went something like this.
  “You seem a bit cocky.”
  “Yes.”
  “So what do you do?”
  “I’m a taxidermist.”
  “What the heck is one of those?”
  “I stuff and mount animals.”
At this, the officer turned and called out to his mates, “it’s all right boys, he’s one of us.”

To Brigadier-General Alain Hermès
Sir,
Thank you for publicly supporting my campaign. I admire your courage in not letting these scoundrels interfere with your personal schedule. I wish I was as brave. I suggest we petition the Paris City Military Governor to sanction your offer to lead a military force to clear out these slimy cowards and I pledge my sword (and my troop) to the cause. I would have no issues serving under a man of your experience in leading such a task force. I will take this matter up with my Commanders, Lt Colonel d’Over and Brigadier-General The Money Goes.
† Gregory Lessore de Saviour, Captain, Kings Musketeers

B. Bdr-General The Money Goes
Sir, I was not implying that you can’t read, but rather that you employ minions to read for you. It’s the Organ grinder and his monkey all over again. You could read, it’s just that you choose not to.
† Aloysius Gnomeclencher

To be sung by the personal servants of Egon Madd
“He’s going to make a Living doll that he can call his own;
A living doll that no one else can steal.
And so those flirty flirty guys
With their flirty flirty eyes
Will have to flirt with dollies that is real.
When he comes at night, she will be waiting.
This doll that waits for him, she doesn’t scream.
He could have gone and brought an inflatable one,
But then he would have had to save her from most of the marines.”
Hmm, still too many words in the last line.
† A G

Just a little way from here
If I’m not feeling any less fear
I promised myself I would take myself, at the enemy just to peer
And raising up my gun
Would shoot them one by one
In an effort to make it clear to who
Ever runs this war, I’m a hero
Aiming for great things, Lords and Kings,
Whoever’s watching
(And Generals too, yes that mean you, no sense in keeping me low)
And then with ammo spent
I’ll go back to my tent
† Alan à Ganatcher Alie