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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
Being a postal game of En Garde! run by Pevans since April 1986 and now published as part of To Win Just Once.
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Orders for March 1661 to LPBS, 180 Aylsham Drive,
UXBRIDGE UB10 8UF
or the LPBS orders e-mail address
by Friday, 11th January 2008
Game Report for February 1661
Sections: Duels, Trials, Appointments and Regiments, What happened in Paris, What happened at the front.
“February’s ice and sleet / Freeze the toes right off your feet!” is what Parisian bards sing. But only in the comfort of a nice, warm tavern. Wrapping up warm, Gregory Lessore de Saviour braves the cold, cold weather to keep an appointment. He is meeting the plebeian Stewart Senquiry, who brings Zeus Aspillais with him. Lessore de Saviour has only his rapier for company as he squares up to Senquiry’s sabre. Senquiry is slightly built, but quietly confident. He doesn’t bother to tell his second at what point to intervene. As a rapier fighter, Lessore de Saviour starts by parrying. Instead, he gets a slash that goes through his defence to draw blood. Irritated, he switches to attack and lunges. Just as Senquiry swings round with a cut. The lunge pinks Senquiry, but the cut knocks Lessore de Saviour to the ground. Lessore de Saviour capitulates, justifying Senquiry’s faith in his own sword arm.
Paris does not support Beau de Cire’s challenge to Zachary The Money Goes, so we do not have the opportunity to see how the Musketeer would have coped with a cutlass.
Pay the tax or pay the fine
His Majesty has not yet appointed a new Minister of State. Hauled out of retirement, an elderly ex-Minister presides over this month’s two prosecutions. This takes CPS Zachary The Money Goes by surprise and he is unexpectedly nervous when presenting his case.
“This is a simple case of non-payment of duelling tax,” he blurts out.
“Eh, what?” grumbles the man in the judgement seat. “Load of nonsense – we didn’t have a Duelling Tax in my day. Chap showed up and showed what he was made of – or he was run out of town. Well, what have you got to say for yourself, young fellow?”
The man in the dock is Alain Hermès, who is a bit bemused by the whole thing. “Your Honour,” he begins, “I fear I’m not certain why I have been brought before this court, as I was never directly informed of the charges. That said, however, I’m certain the only reason the court could be troubling an upstanding military man like myself would be financial in nature. I fully admit to being somewhat lax in managing my funds, given all the time I spend on campaign and troop manoeuvres, so by all means, please inform me which tax or other payment I have forgotten and I will remit it immediately.”
He pauses. “Oh, and I’ll fire my accountant, too,” he adds.
“Clearly innocent!” shouts a voice from the public gallery, “He’s not bright enough!” There is a deal of sniggering in the gallery at Michel Entire’s remark. “No – send him down!” bellows Stan Dandy Liver, drawing his support from the law-and-order faction.
“Settle down there!” growls the judge. “By God, we didn’t have accountants in my day. Chap grabbed what he could on the battlefield and spent it on wine, women and…” He trails off, lost in reminiscence until a discreet cough from The Money Goes brings him back to the present. “… and more women,” he finishes, wistfully. “All right, I get the idea: chap hasn’t paid his dues. Fined 200 crowns – pay up and get out with you.”
The second defendant is Horatio d’Escargot, whose social standing makes the potential penalty rather graver than a fine. However, d’Escargot has friends. Stan Dandy Liver is one of these. Euria Humble is another and does something practical: he has had a word with the judge. Or rather, his lady friend, Edna Bucquette, has a word. Knowing this, d’Escargot doesn’t bother showing up for the trial.
“Harrumph!” snorts the judge when the charges are read out. “Fine, upstanding gentleman like Sir Horatio,” he continues, gazing across the courtroom at Edna’s ample favours. “Undoubtedly, no case to answer.” Business done, the judge makes his way to his chambers for a tot of something fortifying.
Same old same old
The vindicated d’Escargot joins forces with Lun a’Tic and Zeus Aspillais to persuade his Brigade Major to quit the Heavy Brigade. The man packs his bags with alacrity. Brigadier d’Escargot awards the position to Major Aspillais. Gustav Ind and Devlin Carnate unite to remove the Brigadier of Dragoons. There are no immediate applicants for this job.
Colonel Averell d’Alton, commander of the Royal Foot Guards, needs no help to get rid of his Regimental Adjutant. He appoints Captain Indie Spencible to take over. D’Alton also recruits Emmanuel Banois to the RFG, where he buys the rank of Captain. This puts him in the Second Battalion, so he’s quickly packing his kitbag to join his men on active service.
Walter Butts uses all his influence to force the resignation of the Lieutenant-Colonel of the 13th Fusiliers. Aloysius Gnomeclencher pitches in, but this is gilding the lily. With the position vacant, Butts is able to buy his way to the Colonel’s slot.
Gnomeclencher also has a word with the senior Major in the 53rd Fusiliers, but has no effect on his own. Pierre de Vin Rouge admits Dominique L’Etoile to the Picardy Musketeers. He tries to buy a Captaincy, but the last slot has just gone to Subaltern Michel Entire as preference is given to current members of the regiment. L’Etoile has to make do with Entire’s Subaltern’s position.
The rank of Subaltern is sufficient for J’accuse L’amour when he joins the Queen’s Own Carabiniers, courtesy of Roland Pollee d’Eaulee. Adolphe d’Hutelar swells the ranks of the QOC’s enemy regiment, the Dragoon Guards, when Swender de Jewel admits him. D’Hutelar is happy to be a Subaltern, too. However, he isn’t staying in Paris, as the Dragoon Guards are in action on the frontier.
The organisation of the Cardinal’s Guard has changed as a result of Leffe Bier’s promotion to (Brevet) Lt-Colonel last month. Bier is now in command of First Battalion, but neglects to order his new command to join him in action. Major Lucien d’Escaillehuitaillements takes over Second Battalion and heads for the frontier to join his unit.
The big news this month is, of course, the question of who will replace Gaston de St Marque as the Minister of State. The only applicant is de St Marque, so the question quickly reduces to whether His Majesty wishes to re-appoint him. Given de St Marque’s influence with the King, the odds are strongly in his favour. Just to make sure, a few other people throw their weight behind the re-appointment: one more year! Orson de Combat calls in enough favours to sway His Majesty. Stan Dandy Liver has two words with the King, while Charlemagne le Gosse and Zachary The Money Goes contribute one apiece. Jacques Shitacks is also behind de St Marque, but his influence doesn’t reach as high as His Majesty. However, that’s more than enough to ensure that the new Minister of State is the same as the old Minister of State.
At home
Both Jacques Shitacks and Orson de Combat hold court in the Fleur de Lys for the whole of February. Jacques’ is more exclusive, but, most of the time, he has more guests. To start with, Orson and Fifi are joined by just Averell d’Alton and Guinevere d’Arthur. At the other side of the club, Jacques has seven Toadies, each of them accompanied by their mistress. The roll call is Beppe de Marko and Kathy Pacific, Devlin Carnate and Angelina di Griz, Euria Humble and Edna Bucquette, Gaston de St Marque and Bette Noire, Renaul Culvert d’Eau and Josephine Buonoparte, Stan Dandy Liver and Lotte Bottle, and Zachary The Money Goes and Anna. Elsewhere in the Fleur, Charlemagne le Gosse is entertaining Lois de Lowe, while Ella Fant drinks with Sean Sondamour.
Bothwell’s has its only visitors of the month when Lun a’Tic takes Bess Ottede for a week on the town. There are two visitors in the Horse Guards as well. Roland Pollee d’Eaulee is there and has a Toady: the latest recruit to his regiment, Subaltern J’accuse L’amour. A few more gather in Hunter’s. Deb Estaround accompanies Aloysius Gnomeclencher, while Ophelia Derriere is on Benedict d’Over’s arm. Pierre de Vin Rouge brings Jacques de la Boite as his Toady and Jacques brings Pet Ulante. Stewart Senquiry takes Leia Orgasma to the Blue Gables.
Orson has rather more guests in week 2, the week when he also has a tab behind every club in the city to cover the drinks of anyone unable to Toady to him. Orson and Fifi have ten guests at the Fleur, starting with the return of Averell and Guinevere. Gaston and Bette switch their allegiance from Jacques’ do. The other half dozen are Horatio d’Escargot and Henrietta Carrotte, Lun a’Tic and Bess Ottede, and Roget de Saurus and Sue Briquet. Jacques’ guest list is reduced to Beppe and Kathy, Devlin and Angelina, Euria and Edna, and Stan and Lotte.
The major competition for these events is the first week of Gregory Lessore de Saviour’s bash for the lower orders in the Blue Gables. As the topic of discussion is the safety (or otherwise) of visiting the red light district, Gregory’s visitors come unaccompanied. They are Alain Hermès, Beau de Cire, Dominique L’Etoile, Jacques de la Boite, Jean-Pierre le Crow, Michel Entire and Renauld Culvert d’Eau. The discussion is boisterous, but good-natured, despite Dominique and Jean-Pierre having met each other on Ada’s doorstep the week before. Michel Entire agrees with his host: “It’s a disgrace that a gentleman can’t give a swordsmanship lesson to young ladies without being mugged.” Alain occasionally interjects that “we should just sweep through there with a few regiments and rout the bastards”, but is ignored. The discussion lasts until Gregory spots that Stewart Senquiry is in the club again (with Leia). Gregory is not happy to be rubbing shoulders with such riff-raff and promptly challenges the man. Zeus Aspillais brings Emma Roides to the Blue Gables, but steers clear of the mob.
Jean Paul Amiss turns up at Red Phillips to show off his new lady friend, Belle Epoque. Benedict and Ophelia return to Hunter’s. So does Pierre de VR, bringing Mary Huana with him this time. Pierre places a series of small bets on the gaming table and wins one more than he loses to gain a little status.
Hard going
Come Week 3 and Devlin Carnate’s horse race attracts quite a few away from the established events. Alain, Jean-Pierre, Michel and Renauld return and Zeus joins them. Michel continues the discussion by echoing Alain: “The City Military Governor should take a regiment and clean up these cut-purses.” This time it’s Alain who spoils the mood when he spots his enemy, Walter Butts, entering the club. After an exchange of challenges, Alain is prevailed on to rejoin the party while Walter takes Eve Ningalle to the gaming tables. He wins a single bet of a hundred crowns, much to his satisfaction. Jean Paul and Belle return to Red Phillips, Pierre de VR and Mary to Hunter’s and Orson has no guests in the Fleur. Beppe and Kathy, Euria and Edna, and Stan and Lotte continue to Toady to Jacques.
At the Prix d’Or, Devlin and Angelina welcome their guests, whether they are racing or not. Given the weather, the going is hard, but that should make for a brisk race. Devlin himself enters, of course. Alongside him are Gaston de St Marque, cheered on by Bette, and Stewart Senquiry, supported by Leia. However, the favourite is Aloysius Gnomeclencher. Benedict d’Over is there to make up the numbers, with Ophelia still backing him. And nobody knows why Gustav Ind has entered: he’s by far the heaviest rider and a Marine to boot. As well as the entrants, Averell, Horatio, Lun and Roget all attend to Toady with Devlin. And with them come Guinevere, Henrietta, Bess and Sue, respectively. Also in the Prix d’Or is J’accuse L’amour, who busies himself taking notes on the runners and riders.
The racers start as the form book suggests, with Aloysius just in front and Gustav bringing up the rear. The established order only lasts round the first corner. While Devlin and Stewart are cautious, protecting their mounts against the conditions, Aloysius throws caution to the winds. His horse hurtles down the back straight and he has a clear lead when they reach the corner. Gaston takes the middle way – not too fast, nor too slow – and lies second. A length or so behind him, though, the caution of Devlin and Stewart means they have been caught by the mad dash of Gustav. Benedict is tucked in behind these three, but in last place.
They round the bend and head for the finish line. Aloysius realises that victory is all but his and eases up a bit. His strong pace is enough to see him cross the line comfortably ahead of anyone else. Stewart sees which way things are going, applies his spurs and thunders down the track to finish second. Gustav is still going strong, but can’t quite match Stewart, coming in half a length behind him in third. Gaston’s horse has tired quickly and simply walks the final part of the race. Beppe maintains his pace to catch Gaston, but not pass him. Devlin refuses to risk his mount and finishes a length behind everybody else.
Devlin’s second race of the month is a four-horse affair as the final week of Jacques’ party attracts most of Paris to the Fleur. In such a small field, Gustav has every chance of another prize. He is up against Devlin, Gaston and Stewart. The other three quickly establish a lead of several lengths over Gustav, though. Stewart has learnt the lesson of the previous race and pricks his horse into a full-blooded gallop round the back of the course. As the other three maintain a cautious pace, Stewart is round the final corner before his opponents reach it. He is able to canter smoothly down the finish straight to claim his prize. Devlin and Gaston pick up the pace once they’re round the corner, but neither can shake the other and they finish equal second. Gustav gets some speed out of his mount at last, but it’s not enough to bring him within even a length of a prize. The womenfolk applaud their heroes, but they are the only spectators this time.
Still crazy
Yes, it’s all happening in the Fleur as Jacques extends his invitation to all of Paris for this last week. The guest list goes on and on. It starts with Aloysius. Then there is Alain Hermès, with the company of Ava Crisp this time. Next is Beau, followed by Beppe and Kathy and Benedict and Ophelia. Euria brings Edna. Gregory is on his own. Then come Horatio and Henrietta, with J’accuse and Sal hard on their heels. Jacques de la Boite is next. Jean Paul and Belle precede Jean-Pierre. Lun and Bess arrive next. Michel Entire is right behind them. Pierre de VR and then Roget are behind him. Then Walter and Eve arrive and Zeus and Emma bring up the rear.
Apart from this, Averell and Guinevere Toady to Orson and Fifi again. Sean Sondamour and Ella are in the Fleur, too, but keep away from everybody else. Renauld finishes his month by getting Josephine so mad with him that she chucks him. Well, if he will go courting Eve in public, what does he expect? Especially as she’s out with her current beau!
Ilk Lamore Bartat can’t join a club. So, after a visit to his lady friend, he spends his month drinking in the Bawdyhouses. You can tell he’s new to Paris as he brings far too much cash with him. The footpads pounce and he’s suddenly rather poorer. Other visitors to the red light district are safe for a while after this.
Jean Laissez Faire isn’t much in evidence this month as he spends it all in the gyms with his rapier. Charlemagne le Gosse practises rapier, too, but only after he’s made time for Lois. Walter Butts spends two weeks with his rapier before causing trouble. Gustav Ind, Roland Pollee d’Eaulee and Sean Sondamour all get in two weeks sabre practice at various points of the month and lots of people put in the odd week.
This leaves Zachary The Money Goes, who’s in the archives of the Commission most of the time. “Compiling evidence,” as he puts it. Quite where the large clay figure comes into it, nobody knows.
Ice baths
It’s cold in Paris and it’s even colder in Alsace. The mud freezes, making the roads just as impassable as they were when muddy. The troops advance across the countryside, but it’s slow progress. Then they find a canal in their way. Testing the ice, they find it’s strong enough to support fully armed soldiers and horses.
Frontier Regiment 2 starts across the ice, with the cavalry to either side of them. A volley of enemy cannonballs crashes onto and through the ice. Suddenly, lots of French soldiers are swimming for their lives. But not Alan à Ganatcher Alie, who is in his customary position: right at the back. As the ice collapses under him, he turns and grabs the nearest thing to haul himself back up the bank to safety. That thing turns out to be the leg of CG Major Lucien d’Escaillehuitaillements, who is marshalling his Battalion. This takes d’Escaillehuitaillements by surprise. He attempts to retain his balance, but topples gracefully into the water. And under the ice. RIP. Major à Ganatcher Alie is cashiered and ejected from the 69th Arquebusiers.
Major Egon Mad II’s Battalion of the Royal Foot Guards is also attached to Frontier Regiment 2. Major Mad organises the rescue, using reversed pikes to drag cold, wet soldiers out of the canal. He is Mentioned in Despatches, as is his second in command, Captain Indie Spencible. Private Jacen Moulan isn’t senior enough to attract any attention and survives handily.
The Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers lose lots of horses, but not many men. There’s no reward for Lt-Colonel Thomas Tudo. The Dragoon Guards escape the worst as only their lead troop goes into the water. That’s the one containing Subaltern Adolphe d’Hutelar. He does not return to the surface. RIP. Major Swender de Jewel actually makes it to the other side and leads the attack on the enemy cannon. This nets him over 1500 crowns of booty.
The bombardment has revealed the enemy positions, so the remaining Frontier regiments have something to attack. This they do with alacrity – well, it helps keep the men warm. Attached to Frontier Regiment 1, CG Lt-Colonel Leffe Bier doesn’t have a Battalion with him, but struggles out of the canal on the far side and sets off after the enemy. This is harder work than it should be, as his clothes freeze solid. He survives to grab himself over a thousand crowns-worth of plunder. CPC Major Renaul Baptiste Grenoble keeps his feet dry (being on a horse helps) and joins him to swipe some loot for himself – it comes to a round 1500 crowns.
Captains Beau Romir and Emmanuel Banois are with Frontier Regiment 3 with Second Battalion of the Royal Foot Guards. Both names go into the Despatches and the men are recognised by His Majesty. That’s Sir Emmanuel and the Marquis Romir. There’s also nearly a thousand crowns in booty for Banois and nearly half as much again for the new Marquis. Alongside them, RM Captain Singes d’Ecureuil puts his maritime experience to good use. Quite why he’s wearing a lifebelt during land operations isn’t clear, but he paddles to the side of the canal quite happily. This is well worth a Mention in Despatches. D’Ecureuil is promoted to Major, too, and grabs enough loot to buy the two horses he needs for his new rank and still have over a thousand crowns left.
Brigadier-General Pierre de Mont-Rëal is attached to Frontier Regiment 4 and rallies the men to press the attack. He is Mentioned twice and plunders over two thousand crowns from the battlefield. The Royal North Highlanders hold steady with General Revaulvin d’Or leading a Battalion. His name goes into the Despatches twice and he liberates over 1500 crowns in booty.