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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
Being a postal game of En Garde! run by Pevans since April 1986 and now published as part of To Win Just Once.
If you'd like to play, you'll need to subscribe to TWJO (follow the link for details). You will need a copy of the rules to En Garde! - or at least access to a copy. The additional rules for LPBS are available as a PDF document. (You will need Adobe Reader to view this: it is available free from Adobe.)
Orders for April 1661 to LPBS, 180 Aylsham Drive,
UXBRIDGE UB10 8UF
or the LPBS orders e-mail address
by Friday, 15th February 2008
Game Report for March 1661
Sections: Duels, Trials, Appointments and Regiments, What happened in Paris, What happened at the front.
Dominique L’Etoile and Jean-Pierre le Crow have very little in common. Except an attraction to the same woman. This has led to their appointment at the start of March to settle their differences. As a member of the Picardy Musketeers, L’Etoile carries a rapier against the foil used by his civilian opponent. Neither man has a second, trusting the other’s honour to accept a surrender. It’s a fairly even fight, except that le Crow does not seem to understand the limitations of his weapon. He scores first blood, which is a good move, but his attack is a furious lunge, which is not so good. L’Etoile comes back with a lunge of his own to even the score before le Crow’s cut does … no damage. The blunt edges of the foil mean that slashes and cuts do no more than bruise. This is doubly good news for L’Etoile as he was closing in when the cut landed and could have been badly wounded. Instead, he is close enough to kick his adversary good and hard. Le Crow is winded and takes several seconds to regain his composure. L’Etoile takes his time regaining his balance. Another lunge from le Crow brings L’Etoile to the brink, but he tries again with a slash. This is too much for le Crow, who concedes the fight.
Renaul Baptiste Grenoble and Zeus Aspillais have this in common: they are members of the Crown Prince Cuirassiers and seconds to their colleague, Stewart Senquiry. Senquiry has a duel with Gregory Lessore de Saviour, who is seconded by Armand dan Gerous. Lessore de Saviour is carrying an old injury, making the fight pretty even. Particularly as Senquiry uses a sabre and Lessore de Saviour a rapier. Lessore de Saviour opens with a furious lunge, scoring first blood with his opening lunge. Senquiry surrenders immediately.
The new commander of the 13th Fusiliers, Walter Butts, still has his ex-boss, Zachary The Money Goes, as his second. The other is Sean Sondamour, who offers to see fair play as Butts’s opponent, Alain Hermès, has none himself. The beefy Hermès doesn’t feel in need of any support as he crosses rapiers with his slighter adversary. He parries, expecting the immediate lunge, but then lunges himself when the attack doesn’t come. A slash from Butts is followed by a jump that neatly takes him out of the way of Hermès’s cut. Butts recovers his guard first and strikes again with another slash. Hermès lunges for the second time, inflicting another injury. Butts appeals to his seconds, who throw in the towel on his behalf.
Joining the Horse Guards
Royal Marines commander Gustav Ind applies his influence to remove his regiment’s incumbent Adjutant. Once the position is vacant, he appoints Captain Renauld Culvert d’Eau to fill it. As commander of the Dragoon Guards, Major Swender de Jewel keeps his regiment’s Adjutancy vacant. Not least because neither of his new recruits becomes a Captain. De Jewel admits Herve d’Conde and Jean Paul Amiss to the regiment and lends Amiss some cash. Despite this, Amiss remains a simple trooper in Squadron 1. D’Conde buys his way to Major with the donation he receives from his new CO. This gives d’Conde command of first Squadron and he orders his men, including Amiss of course, into action.
Walter Butts augments the 13th Fusiliers with the recruitment of Johnny Sais-Pas. Sais-Pas fills the vacancy at Major, with Butts chipping in to pay for his horses and their upkeep for this month. Jean-Pierre le Crow applies to the Gascons, who jump at the chance of some credible officer material. The rank of Major suits le Crow very nicely, though it costs him most of the money he’s borrowed from the Shylocks.
Minister of State Gaston de St Marque re-appoints Orson de Combat as his Chancellor. De Combat is suitably appreciative. So is His Majesty, who elevates de Combat to the status of Earl. General Charlemagne le Gosse still doesn’t have anybody in his staff as he leaves the positions of Aide, Adjutant and Quartermaster-General vacant.
It may be just the start of the Spring season, but plenty of regimental officers decide that a season on the frontiers is just what they need. As well as 1st Squadron DG, The Queens’ Own Carabiniers and the Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers are mobilised by their commanders, Roland Pollee d’Eaulee and Thomas Tudo, respectively. The Guards are not to be outdone. Egon Mad 2 returns to action with first battalion of the Royal Foot Guards – including Captain Emmanuel Banois and Private Jacen Moulan. The first battalion of the Cardinal’s Guard gets its marching orders from Leffe Bier. Gregory Lessore de Saviour volunteers the third battalion of the King’s Musketeers. RM Lieutenant-Colonel Beau de Cire joins General Revaulvin d’Or with the Royal North Highlanders. Alan à Ganatcher Alie and Pierre de Mont-Rëal volunteer for the Frontier regiments.
The all-terrain horse
The social event of the month doesn’t happen until the end. This is Stewart Senquiry’s “Egon Madd Memorial Ball” in the Blue Gables. Stewart and Leia Orgasma hold court and judge the inventions – prototypes or designs – brought in by their Toadies. Unfortunately, the deceased’s namesake cannot attend as he is in action with the Royal Foot Guards. Stewart demonstrates his own design first. The idea is to create a spark of static electricity by rubbing two cats together. Unfortunately, the cats are not very co-operative and the servants handling them end up scratched and bloody. Still, it provides some amusement for the spectators. Next up is Armand dan Gerous, who brings a cardboard box. These, he says, “make wonderful homes for the poor and needy.” There is scattered applause. Michel Entire has a mock-up of his idea: an endless belt attached to a horse that allows the horse to cross mud and obstacles by continuously laying down a clear path in front of it. The demonstration isn’t entirely successful (the belt keeps slipping off), but Stewart is hugely impressed by the invention and the insanity of its inventor. From Roget de Saurus comes the proposal of “a novel way of avoiding one’s creditors: declaring them enemies of the state to be dealt with by the CPS.” This brings a big cheer, but is deemed impractical. Swender de Jewel brings some sketches of “a safer duelling weapon” (it’s a sword wrapped in padding) and Lucy Fur. 
Finally, Zeus Aspillais has a story to tell and has published this as a small pamphlet (see Press). Zeus and Emma Roides distribute copies to all those attending: Alain Hermès, Dee Arth Maul, Dominique L’Etoile, Indie Spencible, Jean-Pierre le Crow, Renauld Culvert d’Eau, Stan Dandy Liver and Lotte Bottle, Walter Butts and Eve Ningalle, and Zachary The Money Goes and Anna Rexique. Stewart awards the prize of 750 crowns to Michel. During the celebrations, Indie and Swender are horrified when they realise that their host is not a member of the nobility and challenge him for the slur on their honour. There’s no slur on Alain or Walter, but they are in enemy regiments. A cold exchange of challenges results.
Earlier in March Walter Butts invited all-comers to Hunter’s, particularly those interested in joining the 13th Fusiliers. Walter and Eve welcome Armand dan Gerous, Dee Arth Maul, Johnny Sais-Pas, Renaul Baptiste Grenoble and Marie Antoinette, Renauld Culvert d’Eau with his new belle, Jenny Russe, Swender de Jewel and his conquest, Lucy Fur, Zachary The Money Goes and Anna Rexique. Aloysius Gnomeclencher is also in Hunter’s with his lady, Deb Estaround. As Walter’s enemy, he takes the opportunity to interrupt the party and exchange insults with the host until Deb drags him away. More welcome is a bottle of wine sent over from Blue Gables by Alain Hermès as a consolation to Walter for losing their duel at the start of the month.
The week before, Pierre de Vin Rouge takes Mary Huana to Hunter’s. They are joined by a number of Toadies from de Vin Rouge’s regiment, the Picardy Musketeers. Major Michel Entire is the first to arrive. New Captain Dominique L’Etoile is second. Captain Jacques de la Boite has been delayed while he collects Pet Ulante to accompany him.
The highest profile event in March is Beau Romir’s Grand Darts Tournament. This takes place in the Fleur de Lys through the first three weeks of the month, with the winner joining Beau as the guest of the Crown Prince at the end of the month. Frances Forrin joins Beau as hostess. Jacques Shitacks turns up as a spectator, as do Gaston de St Marque and Bette Noire. The first competitor is Averell d’Alton, who is assisted by Guinevere d’Arthur. The idea is to hurl three miniature arrows at a segmented target a few feet away and Averell has clearly been practising as he scores a creditable 121 with his three darts. Angelina di Griz accompanies Devlin Carnate, whose darts arrive close to the optimal scoring area, but only amount to 66 points. Gustav Ind, bringing Jacky Tinne with him, equals Averell with 121. Stan Dandy Liver removes Lotte Bottle from his arm long enough to score 85. Then Stewart Senquiry steps up. His first dart buries itself in the wall, the second falls to the floor under the target and the third slips out of his hand and impales a waiter passing behind him!
The spectators and competitors (and host and hostess) return the following week and have another go. Gustav improves his position with a best score of 123, only to be matched by Stan. Averell and Devlin can only manage 81. Stewart makes a second hole in the wall, smashes a wine bottle and narrowly misses another waiter. Gaston has had enough and doesn’t show up to watch the final round. Stewart still hasn’t got the hang of this and misses the target every time. Luckily, there are no further injuries. Stan has lost it and can only manage a 26. Averell can only manage the same as last week: 81. Gustav is consistent with another 121. But the winner is Devlin with a near-maximum 140. It is thus Devlin and Angelina who join Beau as the only people in the Fleur at the end of March to Toady to Prinny. For some reason Beau leaves Frances at home.
Tax Discussions
Beau is the not the only person holding court in the Fleur. Euria Humble and Edna are there for three weeks and are joined by Henrietta Carrotte and Bess Ottede, accompanying Horatio d’Escargot and Lun a’Tic, respectively. Euria concludes his month by organising the painting of the Orphanage. Orson de Combat and Fifi have the company of Aloysius Gnomeclencher and Deb Estaround for the first week of March. They discuss the Duelling Tax and other pecuniary matters: “tax doesn’t have to be taxing!” Also visiting in this week are Charlemagne le Gosse and Lois de Low and Sean Sondamour and Ella Fant. Sean and Ella return in week 3. Strangely, Gaston de St Marque turns up in the final week looking for Sean as his host
Benedict d’Over keeps Bothwell’s in business, visiting first on his own and then with Ophelia Derriere. After a gap, the club has a busy end to the month when Averell, Horatio and Lun bring their ladies (Guinevere, Henrietta and Bess) along for a quiet drink. The staff at the Horse Guards club are forced out of their usual slumber when Swender de Jewel brings Lucy Fur to inspect his new club. The smell of moth balls rather puts her off, though.
Roget de Saurus and Zeus Aspillais start their month in style at the Blue Gables, escorting Sue Briquet and Emma Roides. Alain Hermès pops in the following week and then brings Ava Crisp with him the week after. The Frog and Peach is the destination for Renauld Culvert d’Eau and Jenny Russe for a week. Michel Entire and Freda de Ath hit Red Phillips for a week, but Giles Etraseur is there, on his own, for three.
Giles begins March with a visit to the red light district and some female company. Jean Laissez Faire does the same, but then repairs to his regimental gym to practise his rapier. Gar de Lieu spends three weeks with his rapier, but his first week was rather wasted as he can’t go clubbing when he’s not a member of any club. Armand dan Gerous at least has the excuse that he tried to join to Red Phillips. It’s just a shame that his application was turned down. Dee Arth Maul and Johnny Sais-Pas start their month by meeting on Marie Antoinette’s doorstep. While a duel will be needed to settle this contretemps, Johnny steals a march by returning later and winning the lady’s affections from Renaul Baptiste Grenoble. Dee Arth visits the bawdyhouses, but does no more than look at the ladies.
Indie Spencible and Pierre de Vin Rouge meet outside Frances Forrin’s place. This is particularly amusing for the rest of Paris as Frances is on the town with Beau at the time. The object of Dominique L’Etoile and Jean Paul le Crow’s affections is at least at home. But both gentlemen turn up at the same time and neither will give way. After this, they head for the Bawdyhouses, where Dominique gets his oats, but Jean Paul gets mugged. He still has some cash on his person, which pleases the footpads. Their first target, Armand dan Gerous, carefully spent all his money in the Bawdyhouse.
Plenty of people practise plenty of weapons this month. Apart from those already mentioned, Gar de Lieu spends three weeks with his Rapier. Renaul Baptist Grenoble does the same. The sabre is Orson de Combat’s weapon and he passes three weeks with it. Walter Butts puts in two weeks with his rapier. So do Benedict d’Over, Jacques de la Boite, Pierre de Vin Rouge and Roget de Saurus. Two weeks of sabre practice are undertaken by Aloysius Gnomeclencher, Sean Sondamour and Zeus Aspillais. Those spending one week practising are too numerous to mention.
Frontier floods
After a hard winter season, the French troops go onto the defensive. The Frontier regiments are assigned to their positions around the borders, reinforced with various volunteers. Frontier Regiment 1 has a quiet month in the north east, where the RNHB squashes an excursion by Dutch troops. RM Lt-Colonel Beau de Cire commands a battalion and leads his men into a hand-to-hand mêlée. He survives several close brushes with enemy pikes and swords to be Mentioned in Despatches (“Good job no-one was shooting at him!”). His Majesty is impressed and Knights him. Sir Beau adds 250 crowns to his income from his trophies. General Revaulvin d’Or commands his battalion from behind, as befits a senior officer. He is Mentioned twice (“Fine seat that man has.” “And a fine horse!”) and elevated to an Earldom. His cash reward is just a hundred crowns.
Frontier Regiment 2 is to the south of the First and also passes a peaceful month. First squadron of the Dragoon Guards is assigned to this regiment. Their commander, the new Major Herve d’Conde, takes his men on several vigorous gallops around the countryside. They return with various booty, mainly livestock, and Major d’Conde profits to the tune of 150 crowns. Trooper Jean Paul Amiss survives his first month on active service quite handily, but gains nothing but his wages.
The Queen’s Own Carabiniers join Frontier Regiment 2 and Colonel Roland Pollee d’Eaulee leads them in regular patrols along the border. They skirmish with the enemy patrols, bringing combat experience for the green troops and rewards for their officers. Subaltern J’accuse L’amour is promoted to Captain. His CO is brevetted a Brigadier-General and pockets 250 crowns in loot.
The southeast is the province of Frontier Regiment 3 with the support of battalions of both the Royal Foot Guards and the Cardinal’s Guard. RM Major Singes d’Ecureuil and Alan à Ganatcher Alie are also attached to the regiment. Major d’Ecureuil shows the Frontier troops his favourite horse-riding tricks. They are particularly taken with the one where he is thrown from his horse and breaks his neck. RIP. Private Alie is so frightened by this sudden death that he hides in his tent until dragged out by the provosts and disciplined.
RFG Major Egon Mad 2 has his men carry out exercise after exercise through the month and fines those who aren’t up to scratch. He finishes the month 250 crowns to the good. Captain Emmanuel Banois and Private Jacen Moulan are not particularly happy, but at least they were quite safe all month. Brevet Lt-Colonel Leffe Bier takes his CG battalion into the hills and sees off some Spanish patrols. His rank is made permanent and he pockets a hundred crowns of booty.
The Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers join Frontier Regiment 4 in the south west along with Third battalion of the King’s Musketeers. Hearing rumours of Spanish troops in the mountains, the combined force sets off on reconnaissance. The Cuirassiers lead the way as they climb through the valleys. What they haven’t reckoned on is a sudden warm spell. Higher up the mountains, the snow begins to melt. Water gently flows. Streams trickle and merge. Suddenly a flash flood is roaring down on the French troops. Lt-Colonel Thomas Tudo orders his men up the valley sides, but the horses struggle with the steep slopes. Clear of the deluge, Tudo dismounts and starts to haul men out of the water. An abrupt surge sweeps his feet away and he disappears into the water. Once the flood subsides, the survivors straggle down from the mountains. Amongst the bodies and debris is that of the ALC CO. RIP.
The water sweeps on, taking struggling horses and troops with it. All of this crashes into the Frontier troops and they, too are carried away. Brigadiers-General Bud d’Wiser and Pierre de Mont-Rëal, assigned to the regiment, can do nothing. They are pulled into the stream, never to re-appear. RIP. The King’s Musketeers have slightly more warning, allowing many of Major Gregory Lessore de Saviour’s men to get out of the way. Lessore de Savour is Mentioned in Despatches (“Damp. Very damp.”).
