Overheard at the Front
EM: “Igor, when I said we needed to build a wall with our men, I didn’t mean it literally!”

To The Editor
Dear Sir,
As an eyewitness to the tragic events last month, I can say that my Battalion of the King’s Musketeers was only saved by the heroic actions of the late Bdr-General de Mont-Rëal. As he was swept down river, he managed to shout a clear warning to us as he passed, supporting the unconscious figure of Bud d’Wiser under one arm and holding his three horses’ heads above the torrent with the other. We tried to throw him a rope, but he refused to let go with either hand, slipping beneath the surface still trying to save all but himself. In honour of his memory, the 3rd Battalion of the King’s Musketeers have voted unanimously to be nicknamed ‘the DeMontRealers’ from this day forward.
† Major Lessore de Saviour

Shame you’re commanding 2nd Battalion then.† Le Roi

Position wanted:
In view of the recruitment messages from the great of Paris, I wish to join a regiment. Any offers considered.
† ILB

Gentlemen of the CPC,
This is the official announcement that we will be joining the Summer Campaign a month early. That will keep Jean Foreigner on his toes! Please be in foreign climes next month. You will be excused service if you can provide the appropriate doctor’s note.
    Your commanding officer,
    † Stewart Senquiry
PS The chief medical officer is a drunk, for a glass of wine he can knock you up a medical certificate. He will even produce proof of your death for a bottle of the good stuff.

Advert
Lessore de Saviour, King’s Musketeers, Mentioned in Dispatches (March 1661).
Leffe Bier, Cardinal’s Guard, Mentioned in Jokes about Taxidermists (February 1661).
If you had to choose one of these regiments to join, which would you choose?

The one with the role model that’s still alive?
† Le Roi

To All Loyal Men of Paris,
Come, join the country’s premier regiment, the King’s Musketeers, and ensure that France’s enemies are hunted down and dispatched. Places are still available, but please apply early to avoid any disappointment.
Generous bonuses available and help with purchasing your commission.
† B.Bdr-General The Money Goes, King’s Musketeers

Cher Col Senquiry
Duelling tax payments:
You didn’t kill anyone and you did not gang up on one person (i.e. 2 or more of the same regiment challenging one person of an enemy regiment). So you are exempt from the tax – which I revised last year.
† Chancellor Orson de Combat

Dear Grenoble,
Your skills in on the field of honour are even worse than your reputation with ladies.
My lady Marie asserts your trousers are stuffed with a sock to impress.
    Yours,
    † Major Johnny Sais-Pas

GRAND TIDDLYWINKS TOURNAMENT
WIN A CHANCE TO MEET THE CROWN PRINCE!
Following the huge success of the “Meet-the-Prince Darts Tournament” there will be a Grand Tiddlywinks Tournament during weeks 1-3 of May (+ chance to party) at my club. Face your foes in a true test of dexterity! This party-championship is open to all of SL 14+ and is free. There will be three rounds of competition, one per week, and you can have a go EACH WEEK if you want (i.e. the more weeks you come the more chance you have to win!).
The winner will be invited to join me for a special PRIVATE DINNER with the CROWN PRINCE (SL 25) during week 4 (make it a conditional order – “if I win” etc).
So come on lads – lets flick ’em!
† Beau Romir (Aide to the Crown Prince)

Dear Fellows of Paris
My dear lady, Marie, has offered to run a flower arranging class for the other ladies of Paris.
I am pleased to sponsor this event at my club this month in the 2nd week.
If you would care to attend with your own paramour, then please do.
I shall, of course, be meeting the costs of the drinks and small nibbles for all.
For the lady who composes the most artistic arrangement a small gift will of course be made.
Please note that this is a social event for Ladies to attend with their Gentlemen.
    Yours,
    † Major Johnny Sais-Pas

M. de Combat, perhaps I should have said ‘served with any distinction’. Rather than ‘brown-nosing’ in Paris (surely this is a role you are admirably qualified to apply for), I have been Mentioned in Despatches fifteen times and raised through the ranks of the nobility four times at His Majesty’s direction. I am sure there are braver men than me in His Majesty’s army, just as there are more honourable men than you in Paris. My return – should I survive – will merely serve to emphasise that fact.
† Revaulvin d’Or, General of France

Mr Goldstein Jr, son of the respected moneylender, knocks on the door of a small house in central Paris. He coughs, “Mr Senquiry? It’s about your loan.” He knocks again, “Mr Senquiry, you’ve been seen giving large amounts of cash away in town and I was just checking to see if you had remembered your agreement with my company? Mr Senquiry, we were expecting to see you this morning at our offices.”
There is a smash of glass, and Mr Goldstein Jr looks up to see a figure jump into the tree opposite and run, frantically pulling on clothes, down the street.
The elderly figure behind Mr Goldstein Jr places his hand on his shoulder, “You should only knock the once, son.”

Lord Percy Percy says, as fashion is tending towards payments of state money to people for doing no work whatsoever, he is going to say nothing at all.

Sirs,
What is this mad rumour I hear of some “Duelling Tax”?
    Regards† JSP

Major Entire,
Thoroughly impressed with your tracked-horse idea. I meant to discuss the idea of using them in active service with you, but I had an unexpected appointment.
The lads of the CPC will be coming to the front with additional supplies next month. Could you arrange to load the tracks on board one of the troop ships? To fox the enemy please mark the boxes with ‘Vat’ to make them think they are containers.
    Yours,
    † Colonel Senquiry

To Zeus Aspillais,
Sir, I am at a loss altogether as to why lepidopterists were so vexed by this issue. Surely persons so interested in such study would care little about the habits of such foul bats!!
    Yours
    † General Shitacks – Gentleman and part time lepidopterist

To Bdr-General The Money Goes and Lt Colonel d’Over, King’s Musketeers HQ
Dear Sirs,
I apologise for not keeping my appointment last month, but I thought it safer to go to the front. I did not like the look in Senquiry’s eye after making my point on the duelling fields – to be honest, I fear he is a homicidal maniac – hanging about looking for excuses to start duels and with his unhealthy obsession with dead people. I read that he has now resorted to attacking the staff in the Fleur de Lys. Fortunately, my good friend Armand dan Gerous was on hand otherwise I fear he would have arranged an accident for me with his hired thugs on the duelling field.
I wished to raise with you this issue about the plague of footpads. I suspect that these are in the thrall of Senquiry. At a meeting hosted by me in February, I fear I was so inspired by Bdr-General Hermès that I volunteered some of our valiant lads to assist in clearing Paris of these vagabonds. However, I realise that I should have discussed this with you first and I was seeking your advice and guidance on whether such action would be appropriate for members of our regiment. I will abide by your decision either way, as I would never knowingly bring our regiment into disrepute.
    Yours Respectfully,
    † Gregory Lessore de Saviour

To the office of the CPS
Re: Egon Madd’s Auction
Sir, you seem to be suggesting that I incriminate myself over the sale of Egon Madd’s property. To save myself the curious event of being both defence and prosecutor, I will be taking this no further. Shall we call it a no-score draw?
I can confirm that when we buried him, Egon Madd was dead. I even have the death certificate to prove it.
    Yours,† Stewart Senquiry

Primus: have you heard?
Secundus: About the Minister of State?
Primus: The Dettol and the wire brush…
Secundus: Ghastly image.
Primus: I do hope it isn’t true.
Secundus: But no smoke without fire, as my granny used to say.

de Savour,
It was damned icy this last month too.
† Senquiry

My Uncle brought once to Paris by night.
I was young and in wonder, it gave me a fright.
Now I am back after a woman to be my petal,
Here for revenge and some scores to settle.