Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for October 1664

Sections: Announcements, Matters of Honour, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, Poetry Corner, Social

Announcements

Lt General Quasi le Bossu requires an Aide. Must be able to read, write, hold a sword and look good astride a horse. Wages negotiable, but good bonuses paid for meeting targets. Applications (Best boozing anecdote) to the Editor, C/O The Press. Appointment to be made in December 1664.

To All Loyal Men of Paris,
Come and join the country's premier regiment, the King's Musketeers, and ensure that France's enemies are hunted down and dispatched. Places are still available, but please apply early to avoid any disappointment.
Generous bonuses available and help with purchasing your commission.
† B.Bdr-General The Money Goes, King's Musketeers

Matters of Honour

To: Sir Uther Xavier-Beauregard
From: Captain Amant d’Au, His Majesty’s Royal Foot Guard
Sir,
My name has been besmirched. The charges you have held against me are false. I am alone in this and have no one to stand for me but my word. I am sure that your skills at manipulating the truth will see you a richer boy at day’s end. However, if you manage to bungle this attempt to discredit me in the eyes of Paris, I will ask to meet with you and seek satisfaction for your lies.

Mon cher Armand de Luce,
A thousand apologies to you, effendi, that the customs and traditions of this country compel me to raise sword against you over some silly matter of nobility and class. In my country, you would be welcome to sit at my table as a guest – as you did when attending my recent party – with no demand that we then fight because of such. I assure you that it pains me to adhere to this but, as a visitor to your land, I must fit in with the ways of the French. Nothing personal, my friend, and may Allah guide your sword and protect your being.
† Sheikh Yadik Al-Abowt

To Sir Pierre le Sang:
M’sieur, it was the height of folly and bad taste to indulge in carnal adventures when most of Paris – decent Paris that is – were at Count Spencible’s funeral. It was also the height of recklessness to so offend His Majesty and one of his most senior ministers by both staying away from the funeral despite His Majesty’s clear commands and for such a trivial and self-indulgent purpose. You, Sir, deserve a lesson in humility and despite not having been on the duelling grounds recently and having a terrible cold, I intend to provide you with one.
In contempt and revulsion,
† Count d’Or, Minister of State

Ministerial Correspondence

Gracious Majesty,
I cannot apologise enough for the inadequate nature of the funeral that we arranged for Count Spencible. By way of amends, I intend to extract sufficient funds from the enemies of France to fund a suitable memorial to the noble Count. I beg permission to set off for the front immediately to begin this penance immediately, as I do not feel worthy even to stand before you and apologise without in some way rectifying my error.
Your Unworthy Servant,
† Gar de Lieu

On the occasion of the audience with His Majesty
Most Christian Majesty, may I thank you first for giving me the honour of contributing to the cost of Count Spencible’s funeral and, second, humbly apologise for not remitting to your Exchequer the sum requested; this is an omission I am glad to rectify. In mitigation, all I can say is that there was confusion at Le Bourse and despite my clear instructions, the sum owing to me from some paltry investments I had made was not divided and the required money sent to your treasury, but somehow found its way to a dormant account where it was ‘resting’ until being forwarded anon. I prostrate myself at Your Majesty’s feet and beg once more for your royal indulgence and clemency.
† RdO

Ah, there’s nothing like a bit of grovelling. † Le Roi

Social

To all Members (new and old) of the Boozers and Bellringers
Just a reminder that we will be completing public performances on the banks of the River Seine outside Notre Dame on All Saints Day (1st November) and All Souls Day (2nd November), after which is back to Bothwell's for ‘soul cakes' and beer (Week 1 November 1664). Membership is open to all gentlemen, regardless of standing.
Yours,
† Quasi Le Bossu, Chairman

Dear Boozers and Bellringers,
During week 2 of November there will be a private tour of the great bells of our great Cathedral. Events will include mass and prayer, followed by the tour, followed by refreshments at my club.
I'd like to thank in advance Sir Quasi for allowing me to arrange a B&B event and his Holy Eminence the Cardinal for accumulating the world's finest bell collection.
† Captain Arsene Est

The bells! The bells! † Le Cardinal

The Picardy Prom (Party in Week 3)
Since my first party was such a success, I again invite anyone of social level 5 or lower to join me in my club during the third week of November for dancing and as much refreshment as you can afford. As should be expected, the cowardly 4th Arquebusiers are not welcome.
† Major Binet de Bours

Boozers and Bellringers
All ministers of the crown and officers of His Majesty's regiments of SL 19 or above are hereby invited to a review of our army's performance in the recent campaigns: Weeks 1-4 next month (November) in my club. Your mistresses are welcome to attend and all costs will be paid by my good self. I look forward to the pleasure of your company and your no doubt enlivening accounts of your recent service.
Yours,
† Count d'Or, Minister of France

Arabian Nights Party – Week 4 of November 1664
Come to the Sheikh's latest lavish entertainment extravaganza. Bring your women, bring your costumes, bring your sense of fun! Following on from the success of my last party, I have decided to expand upon it and this time will be widening the food variety, upgrading the hash, improving upon the entertainment acts and increasing the prize money for the best costume. All costs covered for you and your partner BUT REMEMBER NO RMs and NO CGs. Whatever your social level, this is the party for you with a free fun themed prophet's beard for every guest!

Personal

It appears that Jaques Shitacks has been ‘chiening', whatever that is. Anyone with further information is encouraged to share it.
† Le Bladder Rouge

Letter from Provincial Military Governor's Office, Bordeaux, Aquitaine
I am sad to report that there has been a massive fraud going on in this province. I have uncovered a systematic tax avoidance by the vineyards and winemakers of Gironde. Despite their protestations, hollow threats and the large number of ‘free samples' that I have been given, my team of auditors have not been led astray and worked diligently in uncovering underpayments in the last year approaching 80,000 crowns.
To address this I have immediately instigated a ‘Corkage Charge' per bottle, which, though fair and generous, seems to have caused some general ‘pitchforks, fire and burning of hunchbacked scarecrows in the local town square' type stuff in the local population. As a military war hero, I am obviously not afraid for myself, but to maintain order for the rest of the populace, I have asked for some of my ‘friends from the Frontiers Division' to deploy for field operations in the surrounding region (just in case).
† Lt General Quasi Le Bossu, PMG Offices, Rue de Papes, Bordeaux

My dear M. de Bours,
I like my women warm, my wine cold, my boots supple and my collars stiff. As my Aide – a post to which I welcome you – an assiduous attention to detail and making sure the doxies you provide are not poxed will take you far.
† Revaulvin d'Or, General of France

Cher Egon Mad, I think we will all find we can survive without Indie Spensible. The one we would have troubles without is our gracious lord, King Pevans.
† Rabbit-Vacuum

That's right! † Le Roi

Col ZTMG,
Is there any chance that you could have a word with your captain? He seems set on provoking trouble between our regiments. Quite why anyone would want to have the dubious title of being an ‘honorary' in the 69A is beyond me.
† ILB

Though to be honest, the likelihood of Euria Humble actually being anywhere near trouble is pretty low on his current performance.
† C R-V

Dear Chairman Le Bossu,
My kind sir, what a true gentleman you are both for attending my little party last month and for your offer to me to provide the catering at the next Boozers and Bellringers Meeting in November (Wk1). I shall be most delighted to attend and, indeed, would be keen to join the ranks of your fine ‘association' as a permanent member. Your generosity of 100 crowns is most gracious but I feel that I can provide all the necessary foods and sweetmeats for 50 crowns as it is for you and your colleagues. I shall begin preparations in good time and ensure I provide you all with the finest cuisine that Arabia can offer.

Is the camel secretly for Donkay Hottay?

The gist of EM2's talk with the Cardinal
“Your Eminence. I would like to thank you for allowing me to take up some of your no doubt valuable time to explain to you exactly what I meant in my letter to His Majesty the King.
I would like to assure your Eminence that my methods do NOT require any dealings with Demons, elder gods or any other supernatural powers. Nor do they include witchcraft, magic spells, rituals, sacrifices or relics (Holy or otherwise). They are purely a matter of Natural Philosophy.
"What it DOES involve is a number of recently discovered chemicals, which are injected into the subject's body, along with the application of what I call a ‘Friction Machine', consisting of a sulphur globe and woollen cloth, to create a spark which animates the body (following the work published by Fr Schott of Wurzburg as “Mirabilia Magdeburgica”). I had previously experimented with using lightning for this purpose but that proved too unpredictable, not to mention dangerous.
"If everything goes as planned this will reanimate the body with at least some its original memories. If it doesn't, one is left with a messy corpse.
"I make no claim to restore the soul, as I have no way of determining whether or not such a thing has occurred and I am not qualified to comment on the theological question as to whether or not that is even possible. Such a matter is quite rightly for the clergy to pontificate upon.
"Should Your Eminence decide that what I do is in some way against the teaching of the Church, which is something that I currently do not believe, I will, naturally, discontinue my research into this area.”

You know I'm not one to gossip but have you heard the word?

Dear Count Zachary,
I'm concerned that you seem to have recruited a heretic. I'm sure this is probably no fault of your own as he most likely lied about his religion to join our great catholic army.
In any case, will you submit to questioning by the Cardinal's Escort to clear up some questions we have?
Regards, † Arsene Est

Lord Percy Percy suggests that, as fashion is tending towards the inflated, hasn't Amant D'Au got a fashionable codpiece?

Amant lounged in the uncomfortable wooden chair as his eyes scanned the courtroom, his eyes catching random obserers to see who looked away or down. Not for the first time he wondered what trumped up charges had brought him to this.
He had been in Paris less than a year before the vultures had come for what was rightly his. His eyes rested on the righteous looking Sir Uther Xavier-Beauregard. The man's smile turned up as he gazed longingly at the case that contained Amant's hard-won riches. Amant stood at the court's command as he came to a decision. Paris was rife with corruption... this would have to be dealt with... in a civilized matter.

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)