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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for August 1671

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, Poetry Corner, Social


Ministerial Announcement on behalf of the Public Safety Ministry
Let it be known that any talk of civil war against the King by Commissioner Queen Felix is totally false and the direct result of misinformation and bare-faced lies promoted by Minister of State d'Eauneurts. Her Majesty the Commissioner wishes it to be known that she is fully supportive of His Majesty King Pevans and is, indeed, the King's most loyal servant.
Recent acts of unrest against the barracks of the King's Musketeers and the interrupted attempt to blow up the residence of said MoS d'Eaunerts - foiled thanks to the close proximity of Her Majesty the Commissioner and her agents - are clear signs of the people's displeasure. Rest assured, continuing investigations to prove evidence of the MoS's direct involvement are ongoing.
† HRH Queen Felix
Commissioner of Public Safety
Major in the French Army

Marquis Chopine Camus
I would like to apply for command of the Heavy Brigade. I have had a successful and distinguished military career and, as you know, I served under you when I first joined the military several years ago.
    Yours sincerely, † Count D'Acier

Matters of Honour

Sir (and I use that term in its loosest possibly sense),
It was with some relief that I heard that you do not consider me to be a suitable candidate for your next catamite. Of course if a proper Frenchman had felt insulted by my comments he would have challenged me to a duel, but we all know your track record on that front. And speaking of fronts, it did not go unnoticed that you cowardly resigned your commission just before the regiment was due to go to the Front and risk life and limb for our country, something else honourable Frenchmen are happy to do.
In the vain hope that you have the slightest shred of honour left in that perverted carcass you call a body, I am challenging you to discuss these matters further on the field of honour when I return from the Front. And finally, I refuse to give you even a single Crown.
† Lt. Col. Sir Jean D'Ice


General le Marquis Sebastian de la Crème invites those notables to his club to celebrate the return of the valiant fighting men of France in the 4th week of September.
Why not join him for a drink or two, raise a glass to those that have fallen and celebrate the successes of those that earned them?

[OOC: party week 4, for SL 18+ and Fleur de Lys.]

After the increasingly bizarre theatrical antics we are subjected to in Paris, it is positively refreshing to get some honest soldiering done here in such fine company, despite the occasional shower of musketry and grey clouds of smoke. I shall miss it on my return when, God willing, I intend to stand every serving officer a drink at the Fleur in the first week of September. † UXB

Gentlemen of Paris,
I hope to remain as Aide to the Crown Prince (Whom God Preserve) next year and would be glad to receive applications from those who would like to socialise with His Royal Wideness. Priority will be given to those who assist my application and those who increase my collection of portraits of King Pevans (I particularly like those on the high denominations).
† Luc Azzat

To celebrate my promotion to Colonel of the RFG, I will hold a party at my club in Week 3 of September. All RFG and those holding military rank of Captain or above at the end of August are invited, and their ladies. Costs paid.

Military Missives

Dear Brigadier-General Money,
I seek to join the Grand Duke Max's Dragoons, and therefore hope to gain your approval for the same. The papers are full of stories of the bravery and heroism of the Dragoon Brigade and of your regiment in particular, and I hope I may play my own small part in such stories in the future.
My father is a gentleman of considerable means, and I assure you that you will find me worthy of serving under you. I have some small skill of commanding the loyalty of men, and believe I will prove capable of leading them in battle in such a way as to bring honour to you and the regiment.
    I have the honour to be,
        Your Obdt. St,
† A. Saint-Yves

Bonjour Monsieur Saint-Yves,
Welcome to the GDMD. We would be honoured to have such a fine young man in our regiment.
Please report to Sergeant Strong-in-the-Arm at the barracks on Thursday. He is our recruiting sergeant and will organise your training, etc.
    Yours, etc, † XM

B.Bdr-General Count Frele d'Acier
I, Jacques Gillier, son of le Marquis la Villedieu-de-Comblé, hereby apply to join the most illustrious of France's mighty Cavalry Regiments, the Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers. It is the wish of my dear father that I should travel from Poitou and join His Majesty's army and fight the Spanish. He strongly recommended the ALC and I hereby seek admittance to the regiment and place myself under your orders.
    I remain, † Jacques Gillier

As I'm newly arrived in Paris, I cannot be sure of the reliability of my manservant. I do hope that my letter to you was received. If it was, please accept my apologies for sending this again, If it wasn't, I thought it would be best to write afresh and request your permission to join the ALC. I will report to the recruiting serjeant at the start of the month.
    Your servant, † Jacques Gillier

Jacques Gillier,
Welcome to the regiment. I trust my adjutant made this as smooth as possible, but we are at the front. I do hope you can get here in time to slaughter a Spaniard or two.
    Yours Sincerely, † Count D'Acier


Inside the Commissioner's private office at the Bastille.
    "Trissy, the situation is desperate! That swine Dunkie has a stranglehold on the Government and all of my efforts have so far failed to dislodge him, thanks to that fool of a King."
    "What can we do, sweetheart? The Guards seem to be ignoring us and there is already talk of your replacement coming soon. I even saw some of them throwing knives at your portrait and laughing at how you're going to be the next occupant of the cells!!"
    "I know we can't trust any of them any more. It's only dear old Alain and Perci that have stayed loyal, but beastly Dunkie has his eyes on them too. Desperate times call for desperate measures, darling: we need a re-think and I am going to have to declare a temporary ceasefire against the King and re-join the Army. We need the cash; plus, if I can get a regiment behind me, along with my cunning plan of external intervention from abroad, we can begin a fresh offensive."
    "But which regiment can you join? Dunkie has the KM stitched up, and so many other traitors will deny you entry into their regiments. What is left?"
    "Fear not, my love. I have already thought of that! Am I not a Queen? Therefore there is only one natural choice: The Queen's Own. And with me at their head they will soon be fully behind their Commanding Officer and their Queen!!"
    "Oooh, how simply super, Felix, what a genius you are. Let me just change into my best frock and we can get straight over to the recruiting office. What fun this is going to be and I can see Dunkie's piggy little face now - he's going to be livid!"

To: His Majesty, King Pevans
Sire, there has been a terrible misunderstanding as a result of misinformation sewn by the despicable Dunkie d'Eauneurts (who I did advise you to get rid of months ago). Now, let me explain about this silly notion of civil war. Of course it was all a mistake and my actions and words in the Court when we last met were all part of the theatrics of the moment. I am sure, given your laughter and clear enjoyment, you are not at all offended or bearing any grudge against sweet little me, your most loyal of servants.
I have issued a Ministerial proclamation to fully clarify the matter and, to further demonstrate my undeniable loyalty, I have returned to your Army to serve you against the Spanish and ensure our borders are properly protected. You may rely upon me, Majesty, or may I call you Pevansypoos, darling, to be at your side all the way?
    Love and kisses,
† Queen Felix, Commissioner of Public Safety, Major of the French Army

Sir, I believe you are in Paris.
Would you be able to join in assaulting the Bastille to remove the deluded CPS? You will not go unrewarded.
† Cuckpowder, Minister of War

To the Minister of State
From Sir Alain de Frocked, commander of the Cardinal's Guard
Dear Sir,
With all the brave men of France spending the summer fighting the Spanish for our King, we hear grave news that the 'white feather division' - a.k.a the Guards Reserve battalion - spend their time seeking other regiments' barracks. The Cardinal's Guard's barracks are like our equipment: pristine and well looked after. The KM will not find it a suitable home.
It is another example of the bullying mafia that from time to time rises to prominence in Paris. Firstly it was the Royal Marines; now you propose it is the CG that is to be persecuted. You are disappointed that the CG took in a persecuted individual, but the Holy Father preaches that we should give sanctuary to those in need.
    Your obedient servant,
† AdF

My Lord Marquis,
I remain at your disposal. Please inform me where and when I need to report. I have been deeply troubled by the bizarre and unnatural screechings from the heart of the Watch. It is a deep and shameful affront to His Majesty's Established Rule of Law.
My Sword is the King's through your arm and it is my prayer that we will prevail and re-establish a natural and lawful order beneath the light of God and the Wisdom of our King.
    Your Servant,
† Zavier Ulric Turenne

To: His Imperial Majesty Emperor Satohito, Ruler of Japan and its dependencies
Your most imperial Majesty,
I send you sincere greetings from France and the offer to establish greater links between our two countries.
May I also say how much I simply love those kimono thingies that you wear out there and it would be most delightful if I could have one to wear while conducting my official duties as not only are they absolutely divine, darling, it would further demonstrate the connection between us. I am sending several of my personal dresses to you in exchange and I hope you like them, especially the red one - it's always been one of my personal favourites.
Now, I was wondering if you could spare me one of those ninja or samurai fellows for a little job I have planned here. It wouldn't be for long, just a quick 'in and out' job (ooo-er, chuckle) and once they've dispensed with the target they can be straight back on the boat home.
    Look forward to hearing from you darling.
† HRH Queen Felix

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

The soldiers who follow the prince
Don't march quite so much as they mince.
That's the reason, of course,
That they ride on a horse:
To see them on foot makes you wince.
† Le Salame Disparu