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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for November 1672

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, Poetry Corner, Social


Major N1, QOC,
I have noted both on the field of combat and during discussions in the Officers' Mess that your grasp of military strategy and tactics is alarmingly nebulous and your care for the horses is non-existent, an egregious offence for a cavalry officer. Might I suggest that you resign your post and find a more suitable position before your actions cause any further loss to the brave men and horses of the regiment.
    Yours, † Captain Pierre de Terre, QOC

Bdr-General D'Ice is in need of an Aide. Suitably qualified candidates should apply directly to him.

The RFG is still seeking recruits. Financial help available for qualified applicants.
† Col BRJS , RFG

Matters of Honour

To JiT
Major Thyme,
I will be at the Field of Mars to second you whenever you require it.


Despatches from the Front

October 31st, 1672
Well, here I am. What a fool I was to think that my complete innocence would be a defence against the treacherous bastards who inhabit the halls of power in Paris! Alas for France that such as these are the ones who dispense "justice" in the King's name! And such cowards! Rather than simply commit judicial murder, that craven scum d'Eauneurts has the brazen gall to try to make the Lord God his accomplice in putting me to death! He thinks a year at the Front will be the death of me, while keeping his own lily-white hand clean! He is Pontius Pilate reborn, piously washing his hands of me. I suspected his cowardice when he threw down his sword and begged for quarter so quickly when we duelled in May, after the merest scratch from my blade! I should have known he would use the coward's tools of false accusations to seek his revenge for my humiliating him in a duel.
Oh, and let me not forget his catspaw "Bastard" de Lagarde! He and his made-up conspiracy to excuse battlefield failures caused by graft and corruption they themselves are responsible for! In fact, it seems that my so-called "accomplices" were in on this also, since I have it on good authority that their heavy fines were paid by an "anonymous" benefactor. I'm sure Bastard de Lagarde was also well-paid by the coward d'Eauneurts, given how well their scheme played out. I am ruined and he is richer. Yes, let me never forget the Bastard LaGarde!
Finally, there is the clown, Hatter. He seems such a fool that I am doubtful that the others actually included him in their plans, as much as the lickspittle might wish to have been. Still, his enthusiastic cheering for them earns him a place on my List.
Yes, the List. I pray God he will hold his hand over me for the coming year, so that I may live to return to Paris to pay my "debt" to those three. They seem offended that I used a two-handed sword in my duelling. That is ironic, since I had planned to use it only until I could improve my skill with a rapier. Now that I see the fear it evokes in them, perhaps I shall continue to wield it. Yes, it would be fitting if each of them was cut down by it! Still, if I live to see Paris again, I must remember what Our Lord told his disciples: "Behold, I send you forth as sheep in the midst of wolves; be ye therefore wise as serpents...". Cowards such as these will not be easy to bring to my sword's point, so I must indeed strike like a serpent and bring them down by any means I can...
Of course, all that assumes I live to see Paris again, and d'Eauneurts has stacked the deck against that. He has even sent me to the worst of the regiments on the frontier, one whose Colonel is an incompetent buffoon. If I must fight here for a year, could I at least not fight under a man who knows his trade? Furthermore, I would just as soon lead my own men. If I must die, I would die among friends...
Speaking of friends, Marquis Jean d'Ice showed his true quality when he spoke up for me in that sham of a trial. He is indeed a leader worthy to be followed and someone I am proud to think of as my friend. Honestly, I fear for such a noble character in that snake-pit of Paris without me there to watch his back. I pray God to look after him and keep him safe. France needs more men such as he!
I hear the cannons roaring again, as we continue to pound the walls of this nameless Dutch fort. I must make my rounds and check on the welfare of my battalion, wretched scum from the frontier regiment that they are. Would that I had my own brave fellows beside me! I pray God I may see the back of this, return to Paris, and enact my vengeance on those responsible. If my resolve falters in this muddy hell, I have only to picture the faces of:
The Coward: d'Eauneurts
The Catspaw: de Lagarde
The Clown: Hatter
Lord of Hosts, grant me the chance to meet them face to face again and I promise I shall shortly send them to face Your justice, which is swift, sure and uncorruptible!


PARTY week 2 December all SL 15+ invited, bring your ladies: Terence Cuckpowder.

Gentlemen of Paris
Please join me in December Week 4 for a party to celebrate the end of 1672. Please bring your ladies. Dress is formal. Costs paid. Only those of social level 10+ will be admitted unless prior arrangements are made.
† Xavier Money

Letter to Tarquin le Hatter
Please be my guest next month at the Bothwell's for a night of frolicking. Of course feel free to bring your lovely Leia with you as well as my guest. Let me know what week will best suit you in December.

Camille de Polignac will host a party at his club during Week 1. Gentlemen of SL 10 and above are welcome, with their mistresses. Refreshments will be provided.

Military Missives

Esteemed Colonel Dubois
I find myself in Paris, sent hither by my father Le Comte de Trenet who regards a military career as the only fitting career for a second son.
He has, at least, furnished me with a moderate purse, some skill as an equestrian and the ambition to join the regiment of my late uncle: that is, the Dragoon Guards.
I would consider it an honour if you would consent to enrol me into the Guards and permit me to purchase the rank of Major at the earliest opportunity (i.e. next month, November). I regret the short notice.
Would you be amenable to granting me this opportunity?
    Yours, † Charles Trenet

Welcome to the Dragoon Guards. We're glad you are here.
† Colonel Dubois


Dear Major Ru Paul, Queens Own Carabiniers
I feel it is time for you to retire. Your resistance to the regiment supporting "Make France Great Again" because it is already great is duly noted, but you cannot suppress the will of the majority of the squadrons, who do not seem to share your view. Yes, I am ambitious. Yes, I am rich. Yes, I do believe Q'Anon who provided clear and unequivocal evidence that the high turnaround of stable boys in the Dragoon Guards' Barracks is due to them being abused in ways unimaginable for a simple man to fathom, that must be reported and stopped, Yes, I do believe the Devil himself is loose in that evil Regiment. How can you doubt it? It is NOT fake news. Sorry, but you must step aside!
† Captain Petit Garcon-Riche, Queen's Own Carabiniers

To: Commandant, Paris Town Guard
Mugged! I was mugged on the streets of Paris! How can this happen?
Please ensure the streets are safe for Gentlemen to walk at any time of day or night!
† Jean David Goliath
Major, PLLD

To: Colonel Claude de Nord, 69th Arquebusiers
Dear Colonel,
I read with interest your recent announcement about the opening of a fromagerie in Normandy. Please put me down as an investor but be careful not to allow that scurrilous sodomite Jacques Hatt into this venture!
    Yours respectfully, † Major Tarquin le Hatter, Kings Musketeers

Such sad news regarding that fellow who made the mistake of challenging me to a duel. I have sought some comfort in the bosom of my dear Ada but, having spoken to my Priest, Father Chevalier, I know in the eyes of God I am not only innocent, my actions were righteous. Out of respect I will suspend all cheese investments.
    Merci Beaucoup, † Claude de Nord

Tarquin le Hatter:
    Cease and Desist. I demand a public apology.
    At the beginning of September, when I was in Paris for a brief encounter before returning to the front, you presented a document claiming, falsely, to be a writ for my arrest. Since then you have dragged my name into court proceedings on two occasions. In both cases, you have made claims that would do a fabulist proud.
    Presuming I survive the coming month with the more important duty of serving King, God, and Country at the front, when I return to Paris I will look for your apology to have been published. If you have not apologised, I shall look for you. Presuming you show up, I will meet you with my Regimental weapon in hand. You may hold whatever you wish.
    Yours, † Jacques Hatt

Chalked on the wall of the Public Commissioner for Safety office
"Dear PCS, a cabal of devil-worshipping, stable boy abusers have taken oven the Dragoon Guards' Barracks. Please investigate. May God be with you as you root out this evil"
† Q'Anon

"Young Gentleman of Paris"
I saw your organization and its plan to meet in November, but I am off to serve France this month. Maybe December, if I am not over-qualified by then!
† Jean David Goliath, Major, PLLD

November 3, 1672
Dear Clown,
Since I am currently somewhat indisposed and unable to speak to you in person - something I VERY MUCH look forward to doing - I thought I would use the means of this public letter to address a few words to you.
I wish to tell you that you are without honour, no gentleman, and a disgrace to even such a questionable regiment as the King's Musketeers! Your actions in October were so odious that I say here and now that you are unfit to wear the King's uniform, in ANY Capacity. Even the lowliest private in a frontier regiment has more courage and honour than you! Last month I watched your shameful conduct in your duel against an honourable man, Lt. Colonel d'Actyl. I ask you, what sort of man throws his rapier and then kicks his opponent? No gentleman, surely. Then, rather than meet me or Marquis d'Ice as honour required, you scurried off like a frightened little hen! Only to reappear at my trial to bear false witness against me, a man you were too cowardly to meet on the field of honour. You are truly a disgrace and a waste of human flesh.
I call upon everyone in Paris to bear witness to the truth that I have spoken and to shun you as a craven buffoon. Should you wish to take offense at these truths I have spoken, you know where to find me. But beware! The gods of war have little patience for poltroons or jesters, so you may find life here on the battlefield a bit too warm for your liking. Therefore, since you seem to value your skin above all else, I suspect you will stay in Paris and continue to act the clown to amuse your superiors. Who knows, they may even reward you with a crust of bread after you caper for your supper...
† Major Jerome Fortmayne
Cardinal's Guard
At the Dutch Front

To Captain JDGL
Thank you for coming to BG. You are always welcome. Your exposition of the life of a cavalryman, and the interesting things you can do with horses, Incroyable! It gave me the inspiration to place in the Races!

Diary of Jean David Goliath
Well, I walked the streets until I found a place to sign up for the horse race, and added my name to the list. Then I turned up for the race, but somehow my name had been missed off!
I was shown to the spectators' enclosure and turned away from there. Confusion! All is confusion!

Primus - remember when what's-her-name was CPS?
Secundus - do I ever.
Primus - this new one loves freshly dead bodies. To go with his artificial orange hair, no doubt.

Thank you so much for putting on the race, it was a great thrill and great competition.

To Jerome Fortmayne
Sir, I was saddened to hear of your conviction, which I consider to be unjust (but who am I to question the decisions of our august Minister of State?). I will be more than happy to share a drink with you when you return to Paris.
I fully expect that you will gather many honours during your enforced time at the Front.
    Your good friend, † Marquis d'Ice

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

An Unpaid Aide
1 In search for a new aide, the Marquis did see
A willingness and gumption from me to succeed.
With judgement of character, he has given me his trust
For the filing of letters and cleaning brandy decanters a must.
2 Let it be said, Phillipe F'Loppe is a multi-tasked fellow
Who wishes not for the Marquis ever to bellow.
Therefore, in all of Paris no one is more committed and faithful
To Leonard de Hofstadt, his new aide is forever grateful.
† Major Phillipe F'Loppe
Dragoon Guards, Aide to Marquis Leonard de Hofstadt

A Lover not a Writer
1 Five Duels were set for a bright Paris day
And a Dragoon's bravery met them all without delay.
The honour of the regiment was obviously at stake
Against the Queen's own Carabiniers with reputations so fake.
2 First for a lesson is Norman de Bastille, in handling a sabre and avoiding my steel.
A solid block stops a slash from F'Loppe, but Norman's mask starts to peel.
Carabiniers can jump backwards and out of the way
But a slash and a guard's smile has taken the day.
3 First win of the day and the regiment's pride is as thought.
Pierre de Terre arrives alone, with no seconds or even support.
It's true his skill is less with a blade than F'Loppe,
But his slash causes Phillipe, sadly, to flop.
4 It's even so far and soon time for a feast:
Petit-Garson Riche, a small man, is skilful at least.
First move to the Queen's man, but a sad retreat
Means a lunge from the Guard seals a successful meet.
5 Combatant number four and a Major in rank,
This one is larger with obvious sabre skills in the bank.
Justin Time is on his lonesome but meets the Guard's furious slash:
Both land a strike home and unanimously agree to concede the bash
6 Onward they come and the next duellist arrives,
The regimental commander is at number five.
Colonel Marc de Zorro is both larger with skill that flows
But, finally, the Dragoon's bravery wains and he ends the blows.
7 As the last duel is completed, and brandy exchanged
Gratitude is given to Lt Col Ben e'Volence for seconds made.
A total of five duels for the Dragoon Guard to ponder
With two wins, two losses and a draw many can wonder.
† Major Phillipe F'Loppe
Dragoon Guards, Aide to Marquis Leonard de Hofstadt