Swiggers

Report on race number: 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 (no report for race 1)

Race Report 10: Brazil November 8^th

As soon as the race was under way a great deal of ramming took place as drivers vied for position; Eoin, Jennie and Mike all taking body damage before reaching the first corner and Paul being pushed to the back. Jay overshot the first corner, Chris took engine damage while trying to push his car through the bend, and Paul came shooting up to it too fast and had to crash down into 4th gear.

Madness and mayhem followed. At the second corner Timothy overshot by 5 spaces and Eoin took 3 points of brake wear just to stay in the corner. By the end of the 3rd corner Timothy had no brakes or tyres left, Jay had spun out and Jennie had crashed into the back of a Mr. Whippy ice cream van whose owner had decided to take a shortcut across the track to get to some customers on the other side. Chris was now in the lead.

On the next corner Eoin lost 2 more brake points and both Paul and Jay failed to reach the corner by one space. Richard had by now taken the lead. Timothy 'no brakes' Hunt crashed down to 2nd to make the next corner and Eoin, who fell short by one, also crashed down to 2nd to get through.

Coming into the last bend Chris retook the lead. Jay crashed into the rescue crew who were trying to get to the Mr. Whippy driver, and Timothy crashed into the wreckage of Jay's car. The crashes were good news for Paul because it enabled him to gain places on Mike. In fact there were vicious rumours circulating that he had been seen playing around with the brake cables of certain cars. However, he protested his innocence and swore that the hacksaw in his car was simply for cutting his Mars bars which he had put in the freezer.

Paul and Eoin went into the pits at the end of the first, but Paul's mechanics were a bit slow off the mark (presumably after eating too many Mars bars) and he missed a turn. At the start of the second lap Richard had retaken the lead from Chris, only to be overtaken again. Paul managed to overshoot the 1st bend by 6 and narrowly missed spinning his car.

At the next bend Mike fell short by one space and, as he and Paul pushed their cars to the limit, they both took engine damage. As the race progressed Richard and Chris were battling it out for 1st place. Eoin managed to spin out his car on the 3rd bend. Mike had managed to get into 3rd place, which was essential for him to have any hope of beating Paul who was breathing down his neck in 4th having overtaken Bill. On the 5th corner Paul fell short by one space, and then overshot by one allowing Bill to get back into 4th.

Richard relied heavily on his brakes to hold him in the 6th corner and did enough to hang on and win the race from Chris. Mike could do no better than 3rd, Bill came in 4th followed by Eoin and Paul.

Now came the moment of truth. By Mike getting into 3rd position he had improved his '6 best races' score to 43. Paul coming in 6th had not improved his total so it stayed at - 43!

The judges then went about trying to find a tie-breaker. It was decided to take the best total score over 10 races, which Mike seemed to have won at 46 to Paul's 45. however, it was noticed that Paul had only been awarded 1 point for finishing 5th in race 8 instead of two. Therefore his total was also 46! Next the judges looked at the number of crashes - again tied at one each. Then the total number of 1st positions - tied at three each.Next the number of 2nd positions - again tied with one each. They went down to the number of 3rd positions which was still tied at one each. Finally they took the best average score per race, which meant that Paul won having accumulated his points in only 9 out of the 10 total races.

Paul was duly declared Champion, with Mike receiving an honourable mention in 2nd place. 3rd was Chris, 4th Jennie, 5th Jay, 6th Richard, 7th Theo, 8th Rob and Eoin tied, 10th Timothy, 11th Bill. The remaining four drivers failed to score any points.

Race Report 9: Portugal October 11^th

The race started off fairly quietly, Mike Eggleton roaring into the lead through the first corner. Timothy Hunt managed to miss the first corner, smash his wing on the rear bumper of another car and then on his next attempt overshoot the corner with screeching tyres. Jay used up all of his tyres and most of his brakes by the end of the third corner, and Chris Boote managed to damage his engine in the same place.

Coming round to the end of the first lap the positions had changed dramatically with Chris Boote way out in front, hotly pursued by Jay, Timothy and Rob (yes, that's right, Rob). Chris, with an almost pristine car – apart from the bodywork damge – did not stop in the pits. Everyone else had very little choice. Jay failed to get to his pit lane on his first attempt and Mike had a very long, and ultimately costly, pit stop.

As the race wore on Chris, Rob and Richard were to take more bodywork damage, leaving their cars just about hanging together. Jay took yet more engine damage. Chris was now so far out in front that he slowed down to prevent his engine from blowing, which earned him the nickname ' squealy coward'. It was now apparent that everyone else was playing for second place and it looked like it was going to be Timothy, with Jennie in 3rd and Rob 'Will he finish?' Milverton in 4th. Jay in 5th was being pushed hard by Mike in 6th, with Richard bringing up the rear.

However, high drama was about to unfold. Mike managed to overtake Jay after much hard driving. However, 10 seconds later Jay's engine finally gave up the strain as he tried to push it for one last effort and it blew to pieces. Mike was so shocked by seeing this in his rear view mirror that he slowed to get a better look, allowing Richard to overtake him.

Rob also decided to give his car a final push. He came racing up behind Jennie and got into her slipstream. This also enabled him to get past Timothy, and – for once – to finish the race: in second place. Final positions were: 1 Chris, 2 Rob, 3 Timothy, 4 Jennie, 5 Richard, 6 Mike. Non-finisher - Jay.

Now it all goes down to the final race to determine Championship standings. Due to the scoring method, i.e. best six races, there is still uncertainty over final positions. However, the Championship is now between Paul and Mike. As long as Paul finishes ahead of Mike, he's safe. If Mike beats Paul by more than 3 points, he wins.

Paul can gain a maximum of 7 additional points, Mike can gain 9. Jennie can only make an additional 7 points and so cannot overtake Mike. However, she has to fight off Chris and Jay. Chris could pick up 9 points (and concievably tie with Mike), Jay could gain an additional 8. As for the rest, well we'll be kind and suggest they begin preparations for next year...

Race Report 8: France (Magny Cours) September 13^th

Pevans was in pole position, followed by Chris 'the boot' Boote, 'Mad' Jay Cutmore, Richard 'I'm innocent' Mundy, 'Belgian Mike' Eggleton, Timothy 'Don't call me Tim' Hunt, Bill 'At least I finish my races' Michell and finally Rob 'Will I ever finish a race?' Milverton.

Pevans sped off to defend his championship lead, hotly pursued by Chris, Timothy and Rob (???). Paul led out of the second corner going into the straight, through into the third corner 'Adelaide', well noted for causing drivers to chicken out at it in the last race. Paul obviously thinking he had things sown up was reasonably cautious, but Chris and Timothy were going like the clappers. So too was 'Mad' Jay who came roaring out of the 2nd corner in 5th gear, then shot into 'Adelaide' in 6th.

Meanwhile Mike was falling back into last place, yes even behind Rob! All of the field was struggling now to keep close to the leaders. Richard struggled just a bit too much, perhaps as a result of the handcuffs that the local gendarmes insisted he wore, following his arrest at the earlier race in France. As he careered along the straight he pushed his already battered car too much and crashed out, sliding headlong into the 'Monsieur Whippy' vendor. Bill meanwhile was flogging his car like hell.

Chris and Jay had pushed Pevans into third place and were duelling for the lead. Coming into the final third of the track Jay continued his 'death or glory' tactics and roared into first place through  the Chicane and into the pits. He was followed by Chris "what pits?" Boote, Pevans, Timothy, Mike and Bill while Rob went straight past.

Jay got a fast stop in the pits, as did Mike, but not so Bill and Pevans, who had to queue up behind Timothy. As Jay disappeared round the track with Chris in hot pursuit, the rest were bumper to bumper. By 'Adelaide' it was clear that Jay was the winner - no one had a chance of catching him. The rest fought valiantly, notably Bill and Mike who were both trying not to come in last. They both took a leaf out of Jay's book to roar out of 'Estoril' in 5th and down the straight in 6th. Unfortunately this proved too much for Bill's car as the engine blew in the process, causing him to ram the 'Monsieur Whippy' vendor from the other side.

Apart from Jay out in front things were tightening up. Chris was dangerously low on fuel causing him to be a little more conservative than usual. He was caught first by Mike and then by Timothy, while Pevans and Rob dropped back. Mike pulled away, leaving the other two to fight over third place. Coming into the final third of the track a momentary lapse of judgement - worrying about the deadline for next month's 'zine - saw Pevans spin out and be overtaken by back marker Rob.

Jay crossed the line miles ahead of the second car - driven by Mike. He, in turn, was well ahead of Chris and Timothy. Chris caught the slipstream behind Timothy on the finishing line to take third place.

Meanwhile the crowd was going wild as Rob approached 'Chicane', the final corner. At last he was going to finish a race! However, as he roared through 'Chicane' he took his hands off the steering wheel to wave to his fans and found himself suddenly buried in the sandpit. Having straightened out his car, Pevans had rejoined the race and was at the back of the field. With Rob's exit 2 points were guaranteed and he coasted through the final corners to get his points. He still retains the Championship lead, however.

Race Report 7: Italy (Monza) August 16^th

He declined a pit stop, keeping him in first place, though chased by others with better tyres.

Theo caught Pevans in the sequence of one-stop corners only for Pevans to pull away again. He made the second chicane one turn up on the nearest competitors (Chris & Theo). This was were Robwent out of the race.

Chris caught up with Pevans on the final corner, but he held on to take the chequered flag and the lead in the Championship.

Race Report 6: France (Magny Cours) July 19^th

Unfortunately for them Richard and Jenny Munday soaked it up too well and were apprehended by the local gendarmes on suspicion of being English football hooloigans. Despite their protestations they were incarcerated, pending deportation back to the UK. Their only consolation was that their prison cell overlooked part of the route of the Tour de France thus enabling them to get a 'bird's eye view' of the race.

Meanwhile joint championship leader Paul Evans took up pole position on the grid, followed by Chris Boote, Jay 'When will it rain?' Cutmore, and Mike Eggleton for what was to be a two lap race.

Paul took off like a rocket to defend his position, but there was no respite from the other drivers. His car was not performing to its best, allowing the others to gradually overtake him. Yet still he fought back to the lead.

Jay narrowly missed a chance for the lead himself when he chickened out at 'Rooster corner'. Chris and Mike were a little luckier and managed to get past Paul whilst battling with each other. Gradually Jay caught up and pushed Paul back to fourth place.

After the first lap the cars were badly in need of tyre changes - apart from Mike Eggleton's. So, whilst the other three entered the pits, Mike continued round the track, building up nearly a half lap lead.

However, he soon reached 'Rooster corner' where he too chickened out of changing up to a high gear on three consecutive occasions, allowing the whole field to catch him. At this stage he threw caution to the winds and raced like a madman into the penultimate bend, just managing to stop his car in the required area. This took him back past Paul and Jay and level with Chris.

Mike and Chris were now racing neck and neck in what was to be a most exciting finish, with Paul still pushing his car hard to stay ahead of Jay in third. Jay decided to play his kamikaze card and either win or go out in a blaze of glory. Unfortunately for him it was the latter. He now knows it is impossible to do a 180 degree turn on a three foot wide road travelling at 190mph. So does the 'Mr Whippy' ice cream vendor that he took out.

Back at the front with all cars in top gear Mike just managed to hold off Chris through the final chicane to pick up the winner's place on the podium. Chris’s car finished second with no brakes, tyres or gears left. Jay’s retirement left Paul to cruise home in third place, with even less of a car than Chris. This leaves the championship wide open. 

Race Report 5: San Marino June 21^st

There was pressure from the start with Paul, Jennie and Mike battling to get an edge over the other two in the World Championship standings, and Jay and Chris trying to improve their position.

Mike was frustrated by the front three on at least two occassions as they all decided to drive in formation around half of the track, which proved to be an excellent blocking technique. About halfway round the first lap the race began to open up. New boy Bill Michell decided to prove he was no novice by revving up to 6th gear as soon as possible. Unfortunately for Bill this was about 3 feet away from a hairpin bend. Bill stopped, but his car didn't and smashed into 'Lucky' Dave's hamburger van throwing lots of freebies into the air for the kids.

Cars were thrashed mercilessly by all of the drivers, however race leader Paul Evans decided that his was not badly damaged enough for a pit stop at the end of the first lap. This led to Mike in second place deciding not to stop either. Then Jennie led the charge of the chicken brigade with her, Jay and Chris all heading into the pits.

In Chris's case this was nearly his final stop as tyres, bits of engine and a couple of false teeth came flying away from his car as it spun out. He was able to crawl into the pits, blocking Jay at the same time and replenish his missing bits.

Halfway through the second lap Mike saw his chance for the lead and took it, not realising that the newly named 'Bill Michell' bend was just about to claim its second victim. Paul laughed heartily as he cruised past.

'Chicken' Jennie decided to slow down on seeing the burning wreckage and concentrate on trying to finish. 'Death Wish' Jay decide to try and repeat Mike's feat, shouting "I'll get the lead off Pevans if it's the last ....ooops" as he ground down his tyres to the rims. After that even he decided to slow down and get some points.

This left Paul, literally, in the driving seat. Jennie made second place, Chris third and Jay crawled in to fourth. As a result of this race Paul now leads the World Championship table with Jennie, just ahead of Mike. 

Race Report 4: South Africa (Kyalami) May 24^th

Mike led things off in pole, closely followed by Paul. However, things began to go badly almost immediately as both of them arrived at the first corner before they had managed to get out of second gear.

This allowed Jennie and a number of other drivers to pass them on the first bend. New boy Chris made an error of judgement that caused him to misjudge the second bend and, although he had slowed down for the corner, he was going too slowly and others zipped past him.

Mike was to repeat this at the next corner, with Julia doing likewise. Both being desperate to catch up, Julia decided to speed up before the next bend only to spin off horrifically, and – yes, you’ve guessed it – go ploughing straight into that unfortunate ice cream vendor’s wagon. Seeing this, Mike was a little more cautious.

Meanwhile back at the front Paul had moved up and was close behind race leader Jennie and second place Jay who was obviously inspired by the storm-like conditions on the horizon.

Cars were being flogged to death and at the last bend Jennie faltered. Paul came storming through to take 1st place, leaving Jay with 2nd and Jennie to fight for 3rd. Despite a death defying performance from Mike using up the last of his tyres and brakes, he could not overtake Jennie and so had to settle for 4th. Rob got his first points of the competition at 5th, Chris picked up 6th place.

After this race things are neck and neck at the top of the table with Mike on 24 points, Jennie on 23 and Paul, who has pole position for the next race, on 19. Of course the others are still in it, especially Jay and Richard on 10 points.

Would you like to bet on who will be the season champion?

Race Report 3: Belgium April 26^th

Ironically a visiting American driver, Mark, happened to be in town and took over the vacant position left by Theo.

This time the pre-race pit game was Vampires for Jennie, Richard and Jay whilst Paul, Mike and Mark played Ra.

The race proceeded fairly uneventfully compared to the last two. Mike began in pole position, but was soon overtaken by Jenny determined to get back to her form in the first race. At that point Mike decided to drive like a Paul Evans and accelerated into the next bend, before crashing the gears for his second stop. The other drivers did likewise with a couple of them overtaking Jennie.

Mark provided the highlight of the race by managing to spin his car off the track and hitting the emergency ambulance parked on one of the bends injuring both ambulancemen.

Mike managed to maintain his lead until the end of the race despite tough competition from Paul who came in second. The others, who had obviously had too much blood drained, were led by Richard in 3^rd, Jennie 4^th, and Jay (Where’s the rain?) Cutmore 5^th.

Race Report 2: The Netherlands March 29^th

The entertainment began with some of the drivers playing a game of Mama Mia in the pits. This game was won by Jennie Munday, but it almost cost her dearly as her concentration led to her loss of the lead and she only managed to pull herself back into things at the very last moment.

Yet this was still not enough to prevent MidCon 1998 champion, Mike Eggleton, from storming through from 5^th position on the grid to come through and take first place.

An error of judgement by Theo Clarke lost him second place to Jennie and allowed Richard to sneak into 3^rd place. Paul Evans provided the thrills and spills by managing to spin his car out of control and crash into a ‘Mr. Softee’ ice-cream van. Jay Cutmore claimed 5^th place in his first race.

A special re-match challenge then followed on the same track, but no sooner had the race got under way than the downpour began. Of course all the drivers still had on their dry weather tyres. This caused total mayhem with them literally sliding through the corners.

Once again Paul provided the first blood by spinning off at the same corner and hitting the unfortunate ice-cream vendor’s new van. Mike then decided to show that he really is a world class driver by emulating Paul’s feat at the next corner. Not wishing to be outdone Theo managed to spin out of control on the final bend managing to kill 11 spectators and injure 24 more.