Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
Being a correspondence game of En Garde! run by Pevans since April 1986 and now published as part of To Win Just Once.
If you'd like to play, you'll need to subscribe to TWJO (follow the link for details). You will need a copy of the rules to En Garde! - or at least access to a copy. The additional rules for LPBS are available as a PDF document. (You will need Adobe Reader to view this: it is available free from Adobe.)
Orders for December 1676 to LPBS, 180 Aylsham Drive, Uxbridge UB10 8UF or the LPBS orders e-mail address by 8th August 2025.
Game Report for November 1676
Sections: Duels, Trials, Appointments and Regiments, What happened in Paris, What happened at the front.
As we reach the end of Autumn, Parisian society is hitting a peak. That is to say, there are a lot of duels this month... Let us start with Sir Elroi le Flingue, Major in the Grand Duke Max's. He has two appointments and decides Jean d'Aubergine of the Fourth Arquebusiers shall be the first. Elroi is the larger of the two men, but his still-healing injuries put them on a par. However, he has a sabre while the infantryman carries a rapier - and has less skill. Louis Severin Descartes is on hand to second Elroi, but Jean is on his tod. Aware of the rapier's options, Elroi dodges Jean's initial lunge and hits him with a slash. Just as Jean hits him with a slash, too. The sabre hurts rather more. Jean jumps back to inspect the damage and Elroi promptly slashes again and then cuts. This meets a lunge from Jean, but the sabre has done its work and a heavily bleeding Jean surrenders.
Elroi's second duel, against Zeold, Baron von Tu, looks almost identical. Zeold wields a rapier, is of slighter build and has less expertise. He does have a second, however, Come Asiouar, and Elroi has a fresh wound. Again, Elroi dodges his opponent's lunge and slashes. This time it's a lunge coming the other way, which the slash partly deflects. Elroi slashes again, Zeold cuts and then Elroi's cut smacks home. A heavily bleeding Zeold surrenders and the protagonists depart for medical attention.
Chemin de Fer and Justin Cartier both have a couple of duels this month, but agree to face each other first. Both are of medium build, but Chemin is a Marine and uses a cutlass. While (27th) Musketeer Justin has his regimental rapier. Neither is accompanied by a second. Chemin uses his hefty blade to block. Justin's lunge goes straight through his guard for first blood. Undaunted, Chemin swings his cutlass in a brutal slash. Justin staggers, but hits back with two quick slashes himself. However, with a rapier, these do little harm. His following cut is more significant, but Chemin's second slash settles the matter: Justin concedes.
Justin's other opponent should be Ignace Pardaillon, but urgent business has called him out of Paris.
Thibault Chanson de Skye awaits Chemin. This will be cutlass versus rapier again, but Thibault is a much bigger bloke than Justin. Chemin does have a skill advantage though. Despite this, Thibault hits first with a lightning lunge and that blow is plenty for Chemin. He surrenders.
Thibault is just getting started. His next opponent is another Marine (and thus cutlass-bearer), Marcel Hatch Dupree. He still has the benefit of size, but Marcel is further ahead in expertise. There are still no seconds present. Marcel tries to block Thibault's attacks, but learns that this defence does not work on either the lunge or the cut that Thibault deploys. Marcel goes on the attack and hits Thibault with a slash, but another lunge prompts Marcel to throw in the towel.
Claude de Nord is the next opponent for Thibault and at least his sword is only a sabre. However, he is far more skilled and has Frank X Change to back him up. Thibault lunges, Claude slashes and both then cut. The sabre does more damage, of course, so it's Thibault who concedes the fight.
In another secluded part of Paris, Balzac Slapdash begins his duelling by meeting Con Stantinople: rapier to rapier. The advantages are all with Balzac: he's beefy, Con is small and Balzac is an expert with his blade. With no seconds present, the two men cross swords; they lunge; Con surrenders. Short and sweet (for Balzac).
It's déjà vu again for Balzac's second duel. He's opposed by the diminutive, relatively unskilled Ian Dediette with no seconds on either side. Ian starts the duel by pausing. Balzac runs him through and that's that: Ian surrenders.
Justin Thyme is Balzac's third adversary and seems to be the same thing all over again. Except that the short, unskilled Justin has a sabre and a second, Rick Shaw (Zavier Ulric Turenne was also invited, but doesn't show up). Justin pauses a beat, allowing Balzac to get a lunge in, and then attacks with a furious slash. The cut coincides with Balzac's second lunge and it's the smaller man who gives up.
A Fistful of Crowns
Following the excitement over last month's trial of notorious lothario Count Cuckpowder, the trial of the relatively unknown Arent Hayes has not kindled the same level of interest amongst the citizenry of Paris. Gone are the bustling crowds witnessed in October, far fewer are the hawkers and vendors plying their wares than the bevy that attended Cuckpowder's appearance in the dock... It seems few folk care about the fate of this non-descript Major...
Inside the sparsely occupied Court Room, Public Safety Commissioner Toothpick rises to acknowledge the entrance of the appointed Judge, a nondescript, bored-looking fellow who, having once taken his seat, appears more interested in a couple of ladies sat in the public gallery than in the ongoing proceedings. As Arent Hayes is brought in a loud aside from Zeold von Tu is audible around the room: "the fellow must be innocent - doesn't look smart enough to commit treason."
"Your Grace," begins CPS Toothpick. "I can't recall if you were the same chappie who ruled over that monster Cuckpowder last month, but, if you are, what with you judges all looking so similar with the wig and gown etc, you will recall that the verdict delivered was a resounding GUILTY. No ifs, no buts, a definite GUILTY. I shall skip over the subsequent travesty that saw His Majesty duped by the silver-tongued words of Cuckpowder's mistress, instead asking you to focus upon today's miscreant. This Major Hayes individual had the audacity to appear as a witness and make mockery of our legal system by waffling on that Cuckpowder was both innocent and guilty! He further compounded his contempt by making ludicrous accusations that Baron de Nord was the guilty party and linked to some perceived subterfuge. That nonsense proved Hayes's sham as it's a well-known fact that Baron de Nord is a total buffoon, barely able to tie his own bootlaces, so any claim that he is involved in spying or other such activity that requires intelligent thought or cunning is totally ridiculous. I state, your Grace, that there's treasonous intent and action behind this Major Hayes's machinations... TREASON... TREAAASSSSOOOONNNNN..." Spittle flying from his lips, the CPS begins an agitated and highly animated display of jumping up and down on the spot and pointing his finger at the accused, having to be calmed down by several of his tangerine entourage.
"I press your Grace for the only verdict possible in this case: GUILTY! And the sentence must be DEATH... DEEAAATTTHHHHHH... I'll do it, let me rid Paris of this wretch... Me and the lads will jump up and down upon him until we crush every last ounce of breath from his traitorous lungs. I shall call no witnesses, your grace, you need none: my word as Commissioner makes plain the defendant's guilt, bringing in any decent gentlemen would be a waste of their time and ours!" Having said his piece Commissioner Toothpick takes his seat.
Arent Hayes looks up from the Dock once the CPS has sat down. He does not look worried. Reaching into his pocket, he withdraws a wad of cleverly concealed papers which he asks one of the constables to hand over to the presiding judge.
"Hmm," ruminates the judge, "It appears that the defendant is under the protection of the Paris City Military Governor, Hugo Pompadieu. Before the Commissioner goes even more puce, maybe you can explain. No, I will hear his evidence, restrain yourself, man."
Arent pulls himself up and, fixing the CPS (who is still bouncing up and down in his high chair and being restrained by his orange retainers) with a dismissive and hostile glare, says, "My Lord, what I am about to tell you would have been top secret last month but, now it has come to court, all can be revealed. I work for the Parisian Government as a double agent; my handler is Sammy Phipps - not his real name of course. Mr Phipps was blinded in action last year in the Far East colonies, so he has used me as his eyes and ears. It came to his department's notice that last year two young boys, Kitt and Micheal Chevalier-Cavalier, started to put out rumours about a shady Hapsburg Organisation called the DOMINION and named three prominent French members of Paris Society as working for our enemies. I went deep undercover (details of which I cannot reveal for obvious potential breaches of national security) and, sad to say, they are true. I am not an enemy of France, but he is," Arent points at the CPS, "and he is," he points at Claude Du Nord. "Their public spat is nothing more than a 'TROMPE l'OEIL', an illusion, a distraction, a subterfuge. Their crude attempts to implicate others was an error; easy to fool a pair of public schoolboys, but not us in counter-intelligence. Cuckpowder remains a clear and present danger but, with supervision and medical help, we hope to be able to reverse his indoctrination and conditioning. Obviously, my appearance here has blown my own cover, but the documents give a number of sworn affidavits that allow us to reveal France's true enemies and may God have mercy on their treacherous souls."
With his sensational evidence now out in the open, Arent sits back, confidently awaiting the response of the CPS, who is now frothing and foaming at the month and a rather pleasant shade of purple, matching the judge's robes.
One of the spectators in the public gallery is last month's defendant, Terence Cuckpowder. He expresses his opinion loudly enough to reach the judge's ears: "our esteemed Commissioner is suffering from stress and overwork and needs fresh air."
The judge dismisses this with a wave of his hand (though it's possible this is actually directed at the two ladies in the gallery). "Compelling though the Commissioner's evidence is, the defendant's story, backed up by some impressive documentary evidence, provides reasonable doubt. I find Major Hayes not guilty."
Toothpick is, of course, incandescent (and still purple) at this verdict. Gesticulating wildly, he is eventually raised on the shoulders of his two tall Tangerine aides and rages at both Hayes and the judge, shouting "You pair of English rogues, the whole thing has been a stitch-up, you're both in it together! Well, you'll not outsmart Thierry Toothpick, oh no... not next time!"Turning to the gallery, he adds, "Cuckpowder, you can have your old cell back!"
Returning, fuming, to his lodgings, Thierry is confronted by a couple of large bailiffs and finds that his tangerine entourage is conspicuously absent (anyone would think he hasn't paid them). "That'll be one hundred crowns, guv," demands the larger bailiff. "Plus interest." "Don't you know who I am?" asks Thierry, puffing out his chest and drawing himself up to his full height. "Someone who owes 120 crowns," is the reply. "Hang on, interest's 10%," responds Thierry. "Well, now it's 20%..." The two big men look meaningfully at each other and Thierry reluctantly hands over the cash.
For a Few Crowns More
Stephane Etrange fancies taking on the role of Quartermaster-General for Third Army. Hence, he has asked the incumbent to quit and calls in the favours at his disposal as further persuasion. The QMG brushes this off and continues in his job.
Camille de Polignac hopes to be an Army Adjutant. However, First Army already has one and Ben e'Volence refuses his application to Second Army, preferring to leave the position empty. He doesn't even try Third Army.
Zeold von Tu, commander of First Division, appoints the expectant Martin de Garnache as the Divisional Adjutant.
Pierre De Terre becomes Aide to the Lt-General commanding Second Division, Louis Renault.
Princess Louisa' Light Dragoons gains a new trooper in the form of Dee Jean Aise, who buys himself the horse he needs. What he's not expecting is that Dragoon Brigadier Louis Severin Descartes orders the regiment into action, along with Brigade HQ. Mind you, the other members of the PLLD are taken by surprise too, not least Lieutenant-Colonel Charles PiedLuminaire. Grand Duke Max's Dragoons are excused, for some reason. Apart from Subaltern Captain Steve De Sade as he's also Louis's Aide and travels with Brigade HQ.
Barthélemy Chifflet is rejected by the Royal Marines when he applies. Miffed, he trots along to the Picardy Musketeers' HQ where CO Percival Puffington has left orders to accept all-comers. Helped by a gift from Terence Cuckpowder (who has resolved his lack of cash by taking out a hefty loan - his first ever! - and received substantial gifts from other Parisians), Barthélemy buys a Captaincy. And a horse. Which he then rides to join the Picardies in action.
Come Asiouar resigns his commission in the Queen's Own Carabiniers in order to join the Cardinal's Guard, courtesy of its Colonel, Frank X Change. He quickly buys his way up the ranks, taking the junior Major's slot.
As he has announced, Guards Brigadier Terence Cuckpowder orders the Royal Foot Guards to the Netherlands for the month. Most of the Guards are ready for this, but not Major Hector William Boone, nor Captain Felipe Savant, it appears.
Not wishing to be left out, Thibault Chanson de Skye buys his way to Colonel of the 69th Arquebusiers and takes the regiment to fight the Dutch and their Allies. At least he doesn't inconvenience anyone else.
The Good, the Bad...
Two factors reduce the number of social events this month. The first is all those unsigned invitations published last month. Elroi le Flingue and Justin Saad lose out in particular as they spend a week hunting the "Guy Faulk's Party". They get used to being asked which member is hosting them when they show up at a club. And not being able to answer. Still, at least Elroi has a 'guy' (a dummy stuffed with horse hair that his groom put together) with him and can practice his sabre work on it.
The second is the number of senior socialites who've gone off to the front for the month. This is what catches out Marcel Hatch Dupree as he expects his best buddy, Hector William Booth, to welcome him to Bothwell's.
Who was where: in the clubs |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Where | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 |
| Fleur de Lys | RS + Therèse | JJ | JJ | JiT + Guinevere |
| BeV + Lotte | RS + Therèse | FXC + Justine | ZvT(G) | |
| GdB + Bette | . JiT + Guinevere | FXC + Justine | ||
| JH + Cath | . ZvT | |||
| LR + Maggie | . GdB + Bette | |||
| . JH + Cath | ||||
| LR + Maggie | ||||
| . JS | ||||
| . BS + Alison | ||||
| . HF + Ella | ||||
| . HS + Sue | ||||
| . MHD | ||||
| . AH | ||||
| . PDT + Sal | ||||
| . BLC + Eve | ||||
| . JdA + Carole | ||||
| . ElF + Lucy | ||||
| . CdF | ||||
| . CS + Anne | ||||
| Outside Fleur | SE | |||
| Bothwell's | CdN + Jacky | CdN + Jacky | ||
| Outside Bothwell's | MHD (HWB) | MHD (HWB) | ||
| Hunter's | HF + Ella | SE + Thomasina | HF + Ella | HF + Ella |
| JdA + Carole | SE + Thomasina | SE + Thomasina | ||
| JdA | ElF + Lucy | |||
| . PDT + Sal | ||||
| Blue Gables | HS + Sue | HS + Sue | HS + Sue | |
| CS + Anne | CS + Anne | |||
| . JiT + Guinevere | ||||
| Frog & Peach | PDT + Sal | JS | ||
| PDT + Sal | ||||
| Shows who was in or outside a club: . = Toady to character above; (G) = Gambled; CP = Crown Prince; (id) = expected host; bold = first visit to new club; underline = first time mistress seen in public with this beau. | ||||
This leaves Louis Renault and Maggie Nifisent hosting a reception at the Fleur as the major event of the month. The mixture of guests causes an exchange of challenges between the Dragoon Guards, in the person of Balzac Slapdash, and the Queen's Own Carabiniers, aka Con Stantinople. Con is able to call in reinforcements - Justin Thyme - from the competing party hosted by Rick Shaw (celebrating his elevation in the peerage).
Rick and Therèse see some bizarre costumes at their party. Greg de Bécqueur wears tartan trousers - "trews", he says - made of ermine. He is ermine-trewed, he points out. He is also wearing a wide-brimmed hat, chewing a daisy and singing some sort of ditty.
Earlier, Stephane Etrange turned up a week early for Louis's bash and cooled his heels outside the club. Though Louis and Maggie were in the Fleur - checking on the party arrangements.
Hugo Furst demands "light ale and scampi in a basket" when he takes Ella to Hunter's. The kitchen staff are outraged: what a terrible thing to do to delicious langoustines!
Jean Jeanie is very grumpy this month. It's not clear why this is as he's just donated 30,000 crowns to the Exchequer and His Majesty is very grateful that Jean's spending has been curtailed. Then Jean discovers that, while he's been working out his annoyance with his rapier, he's lost the affections of Jacky Tinne to Claude de Nord and has to visit the Fleur on his own. Time for another rapier work-out. And a duel to come...
The final week of November sees a bit of bragging in the Fleur as Frank X Change rubs Zeold von Tu's nose in it. In this case, 'it' is Frank having Justine on his arm after he and Zeold met while out courting the same lady earlier in the month. Zeold has just joined the Fleur and tries to ignore this. He calls for "a toast and minute's silence in memory of Beau Reese Jean Seine". And then drowns his sorrows by betting large (500 crowns a time) on the club's tables. He wins three bets and loses two, so ends the month 500 crowns better off.
Who was where: courting, visiting and going out |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Where | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 |
| Sue | Out | Out | Out | Out |
| Anne | Out | Out | Out | |
| Lotte | Out | |||
| Jenny | CdF succeeds | |||
| Ella | Out | Out | Out | Out |
| Lucy | Out | Out | ||
| Sal | Out | Out | Out | Out |
| Thomasina | Out | Out | Out | |
| Maggie | Out | Out | ||
| Cath | Out | Out | ||
| Eve | Out | |||
| Guinevere | Out | Out | Out | |
| Jacky | CdN succeeds ex-JJ | Out | Out | |
| Bette | Out | Out | ||
| Alison | Out | |||
| Carole | Out | Out | ||
| Therèse | Out | Out | ||
| Morgane | TC at home | TC at home | TC at home | |
| Justine | FXC succeeds | Out | Out | |
| Justine's doorstep | ZvT | |||
| FXC | ||||
| Shows who was with a mistress or on a doorstep: Out = Mistress with current lover; I = Indiscreet (+ mistress name); ex-id = Pinched from former lover; st.down = stood down to rivals. | ||||
Terence Cuckpowder's latest misfortune is that the Fleur has blackballed him after he failed to pay his dues last month and he can't rejoin. He still tries to wangle his way into the club, but is shown the door.
While plenty of other visitors would have provided an income, the footpads choose Marcel Hatch Dupree as their target this month. To their dismay, he's spent all his cash on wine, women and... Well, just those two.
Whereas Justin Cartier only spends money on wine when he visits the bawdyhouses later on. A contributing factor in his fall in social standing this month.
Who was where: round and about |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Where | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 |
| Bawdy houses | MHD + FC: Mug 0 | ZvT + FC | JS + FC | |
| AH + FC | JC | HDS + FC | ||
| AA + FC | CA + FC | |||
| CdF + FC | ||||
| ID + FC | ||||
| Practising | JJ - Rapier | HDS - Cutlass | BS - Rapier | JJ - Rapier |
| BS - Rapier | JdG - Rapier | JiT - Sabre | BS - Rapier | |
| HDS - Cutlass | AA - Rapier | AH - Sabre | AH - Sabre | |
| BLC - Sabre | BeV - Sabre | HDS - Cutlass | BLC - Sabre | |
| JdG - Rapier | ID - Sabre | BLC - Sabre | JdG - Rapier | |
| CA - Rapier | CA - Rapier | JdG - Rapier | JdA - Rapier | |
| BdLS - Cutlass | BdLS - Cutlass | AA - Rapier | AA - Rapier | |
| ElF - Sabre | RS - Sabre | |||
| RS - Sabre | BeV - Sabre | |||
| CdF - Cutlass | GdB - Rapier | |||
| BeV - Sabre | ID - Sabre | |||
| GdB - Rapier | JH - Sabre | |||
| CS - Sabre | BdLS - Cutlass | |||
| ID - Sabre | LR - Rapier | |||
| CdN - Sabre | ||||
| CA - Rapier | ||||
| JH - Sabre | ||||
| BdLS - Cutlass | ||||
| LR - Rapier | ||||
| Regimental Duties | IP | |||
| Busy doing nothing | JS -Toady to ???? | TC -club | ||
| ElF -Toady to ???? | ||||
| Recovering from his duels | JC | JC | JC | |
| Shows everybody else: FC = Female Companionship; Mug n = Mugged & amount lost; (G) = Gambled; Weapon = Weapon practised with. For those doing nothing: -club = not in a club; -Cash = insufficient funds; -SL = insufficient Social Level. | ||||
...and the Ugly
The French forces in the low countries concentrate on defending what they hold this month, bolstered by fresh arrivals. Such as the Princess Louisa's Light Dragoons. They find there's not a lot for the cavalry to do, but at least they (Lieutenant-Colonel Charles PiedLuminaire and trooper Dee Jean Aise) survive handily. Brigadier Louis Severin Descartes, who's brought them and Brigade HQ into action, is promoted, making him a full Brigadier-General. His Brigade Major, Maurice Danseur, understand his duties: "ensure the Princess Louisa's Light Dragoons don't get lost (flighty things, Light Dragoons, but useful scouts IF they remember their map reading). And that the Brigadier gets the most comfortable chateau for his Headquarters!" Somewhere along the way he picks up a little loot. Louis's Aide, Steve De Sade, scurries around a lot.
Similarly, the Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers are at a bit of a loose end. However, Colonel Hugh Jeneaux takes his men out foraging and brings back over two hundred crowns' worth of 'forage' for himself.
As the senior regiment, the Royal Foot Guards expect to see some action, but it seems the Dutch and their allies are not going to oblige. Colonel Camille de Polignac is still promoted - brevetted to Bdr-General. He pockets a few crowns as well. There's not even that for Lt-Colonel Martin de Garnache, but the two Majors - Hector William Boone and Thierry Toothpick - manage to lay their hands on a little cash. There's also a Mention in Despatches for Toothpick ("What's the CPS doing here?"). Captain Felipe Savant keeps his head down while Captain Neville Moore sticks his neck out. Sneaking out in the evenings to reconnoitre the enemy positions earns him a MiD, a couple of hundred crowns' worth of loot and the title of Baron.
There's a Mention, too, for the commander of the Picardy Musketeers, Percival Puffington. But nothing for Captain Barthélemy Chifflet.
The 69th Arquebusiers are lured out of their lines and ambushed by Spanish musketeers. Despite having his hair parted by a musketball, new Colonel Thibault Chanson de Skye rallies his men and they retire in good order. He is Mentioned in Despatches ("Neat hairstyle") and brevetted to Bdr-Gen.
François de Blanchefort's squadron of Crown Prince Cuirassiers is assigned to Frontier regiment 3 where they provide invaluable scouting. There's a Mention for François and another for brevet Subaltern Vaux de Fon. The latter's personal bravery earns him promotion (to full Subaltern) and he collects some three hundred crowns' worth of booty.