Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for August 1676

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, Poetry Corner, Social

Announcements

Having been recently promoted, I find myself in need of an aide.
Applicants should apply in person.
† Brevet Bdr-General Le Chimiste

** Aide Required **
I am looking for a competent aide.
Please contact me with your credentials.
† (Brevet) Bdr-General Count Thyme

** Join the QOC **
Gentleman of Paris, if you are new to the city or are looking for a new Regiment, then you can do no better than join the Queen's Own Carabiniers.
Please contact me for more details, and some financial help is available.
† Count Thyme

Despatches from the Front

The DG Officer's Mess is getting a bit thin, what with only having a Col, 2 Majors and 2 Captains left (plus a few Subalterns). On the other hand, that means more plundered wine and spirits for the rest of us! I think we will need a recruitment drive in the Autumn.

Social

A heartfelt salute to the courageous men of the Third Army: splendid work, gentlemen. Join me at my club for a jubilant gathering as we toast our safe return and honour the memory of those who we left behind.
Everyone is invited, along with their ladies, to lift a glass with me in the week 2 of September. The drinks are at host's expense.
† Marquis Louis Renault and Miss Nifisent

Personal

The biggliest and most winners as CPS, TTT.

M de Gant
Be aware that the Cardinal's Guard are only considering admissions from those who have already served with distinction in another Regiment first, ideally in a position of command.
Even so, I personally vet each application from those who have so served to ensure they are equipped to uphold the honour of the Regiment both at the Front and upon the duelling fields.
I would suggest that you contact a Regimental Colonel if you are considering applying to his command. I wish you success in finding a Regiment who you will suit and in progressing your career.
† Viscount Frank X Change, CG MoJ

To the Most Industrious and Most Martial Earl Rick Shaw, General and Minister of State
My Lord,
It is with a heart swollen to near-bursting (and a tailor already despairing of the consequences) that I have accepted your most generous confidence in appointing me to the office of Minister of Justice.
That a man of my ... economical beginnings (being, as whispers still delight in recalling, a bastard son of an impoverished gentleman) should now be entrusted with the scales of justice is surely proof that, in France, merit may yet outrun ancestry, provided it runs fast enough and salutes frequently.
I thank you, my Lord, not only for your confidence, but for your courage. For it cannot be a small thing to place the law of the realm into the hands of a man whose early acquaintance with justice was primarily from the defendant's side of the table.
Be assured, however, that I shall discharge my duties with all the gravity, dignity, and stern expression that I can convincingly muster. I have already begun practicing a disapproving look in the mirror and can now sustain it for nearly a full minute.
Let it be known throughout France that I expect every servant of the state (be he clerk, captain, or courtier) to apply himself to his duties with diligence, integrity, and only the most discreet forms of corruption. We shall have order, we shall have fairness, and we shall, if at all possible, have paperwork properly filed.
Those who serve well shall find me a firm ally. Those who serve poorly shall find me... also firm, but in a rather less agreeable fashion.
In conclusion, my Lord, I remain your grateful appointee, your loyal colleague, and, should matters of justice grow particularly tangled, your most enthusiastic deferrer of difficult decisions.
With all due respect, and a newly acquired sense of importance,
† Earl Come Asiouar
Lt Colonel of the Cardinal's Guard
Minister of Justice
P.S. Should you hear any rumours that I intend to reform the entire legal system, I beg you to dismiss them.

Hang on, they can't both be Minister of Justice!
† Le Roi

Earl Rick Shaw,
You, sir, are a very wise man for not allowing TTT to continue in his role. I must say that he is a challenging individual and in recent times has been displaying signs of being 'tired and emotional.'
I would like to officially throw my hat into the ring for the post of CPS.
† CDN

To Lt Gen Sir Hugo Furst
Sir,
With reference to your generous acceptance of my application as 2nd Brigade Major in June. I have just been informed that my acceptance of the position has been lost by the Ministry of War and therefore not actioned.
On further enquiries it has come to light that the incompetent minion responsible for the appropriate paperwork had been seen the night before in a Chablis drinking competition and, despite only managing 4 bottles before passing out (can't people hold their drink in Paris any more?), failed to complete the appropriate form 205b - father's inside leg measurement - and then promptly forgot about the whole matter. I shall therefore resubmit my application in triplicate yet again and hope for a more diligent clerk at the Ministry.
† HdF

Mon Cher Thibault Chanson de Skye
Thank you for your letter. If the offer still exists, I would be delighted to accept the post of Adjutant for the Frontier Division. I am at your service.
Yours etc
† CS

Dear Mjr Chemin de Fer, RM.
Many thanks for your application to be my Aide. While sitting at my desk, not too far away from the Front, I have just penned a missive for you to fill that position.
I look forward to meeting you shortly and good luck with sorting out my in-trunk - it was once just a box, but is now so much bigger.
† Bdr-General Count Thyme

Dear Count e'Volence
Congratulations on your appointment as Field Marshal. I wish to apply for the role of your Aide. I am diligent, hard-working and have increased my Military Ability in the field by learning from experience. I am at the stage of my career where working with a legend such as yourself is a once in a lifetime opportunity to advance myself.
† Lt Colonel Arent Hayes, CPC

Lord Percy Percy says, as fashion is tending towards the incompetent, Jean-Jules le Gant is very fashionable.

Toothpick's absences from the field of honour stem from obvious reasons. No understanding of honour.

To: Earl Rick Shaw, Minister of State
Shaw, you swine, don't you realise who you're dealing with here! I'm no simpering lickspittle of the type that you normally surround yourself with. I'm Baron (should at least be a Count) Thierry Toothpick, His Majesty's proper Commissioner of Public Safety and France's salvation. How dare you seek to dismiss my invaluable service to the Country by ridiculous recommendations of a monastic career. I'll have you, Shaw, mark my words. As soon as I get His Majesty to see sense by kicking you out of office and appointing me as joint MoS & CPS I'm coming for you, along with Cuckpowder and a whole host of other traitors (male & female) whose names I have on my 'Special List'.
You'll soon rue the day you sought to mock Baron (should be at least a Count) Toothpick. My Tangerine agents will be watching you, wherever you go and whatever you do: there's nowhere to hide, Shaw, the clock is ticking for you...
† Baron (should be at least a Count) Tiny Thierry Toothpick
True & Proper Commissioner of Public Safety
France's Salvation

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

Could I survive this bloody campaign
And come back home a wealthy man?
No riches on this German plain!
I need to try a different plan.
My early hopes have proved ethereal,
I need to catch a Mint Imperial!
† Maurice Danseur, Muddy, Bloody, still not rich, and basically fed up.

It seems to me that overnight
We've seen too many men depart:
Bernard de Lur-Saluces, Henri du Shite,
Pierre de Terre and Louis Severin Descartes.
When we return, we'll think of them
When we all down a drink or ten.
Ah, the front in all its simplicity
Is a haven for dysentery,
I muse as I select from the Pamphlettery
On the lowly state of Papier Marchee.

Ode to a fallen friend
My friend is dead.
It has to be said
That war is tough.
There's never enough
Time to spend
Before the end.
You lose the spark,
On comes the dark,
No more time
To finish this rhyme...