Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for December 1676

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, Poetry Corner, Social

Announcements

B. Gen le Marquis Camille de Polignac requires an Aide. Volunteers are requested to send their applications so that the chosen candidate can be hired by January.

** Aide Required **

** Join the QOC **
Gentleman of Paris, if you are new to the city or are looking for a new Regiment, then you can do no better than join the Queen's Own Carabiniers.
Please contact me for more details, and some financial help is available.
† Count Thyme

Blatant brown-nosing

1 Christmas comes but once a year
to bring us joy and Party cheer.
Saint Nick, the present bringer bold,
Brings Frankincense and Myrrh and Gold.
2 So let us raise our glasses high,
For now does Christmastide draw nigh.
Give thanks for gifts that it will bring
And drink Good Health unto the King!

Matters of Honour

Letter to select addressees and responses
Gentlemen,
It appears that life in Paris requires the settling of matters of honour on a fairly regular basis. I wonder if you would do me the honour of acting as my seconds should the occasion arise? I would of course reciprocate.
Yours,
† Bvt. Brigadier-General Thibault Chanson de Skye

Certainly, Bvt Brigadier-General. I would be honoured both to be your second and to have you as mine.
Yours etc,
† Con Stantinople

Greetings Honoured Sirs,
I was mildly puzzled at first receiving messages between yourselves Chanson de Skye and Con Stantinople in which I was included. I would be most happy to act as mutual seconds for both of you if that is your desire?
† Justin Saad

Dear Justin Saad
Ditto, that would be lovely. I would be honoured to be your second.
Yours, etc,
† Con Stantinople

Social

[Sent to a select few many.]

Messieurs,
All shall be most welcome to join me at the Fleur for festive frivolity in the second, third, and fourth weeks of the month. Refreshments will be provided.
Gentlemen are encouraged to bring a lady friend. I find their gentle influence a welcome counterpoint to the inevitable regimental hostilities.
Kindest regards,
† Greg
RSVP

Sir
I am grateful for the invite. I need some Christmas cheer after my recent Trial and Tribulations. I will join you in Weeks 2 and 4. I will not bring a mistress as I am a target for the Dominion and do not want our finest ladies to become collateral damage.
Your Good Health Sir,
† Arent Hayes

Neville Moore and the lovely Vera Cruz invite all tactically-minded gentlemen of Paris to participate in his annual chess tournament, to be held at my club in the 3rd week of January. 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place prizes of 1,000/500/250 crowns! Drinks provided for guests and mistresses. Let us sharpen our wits for future encounters with enemies of France!

RACE INTO THE NEW YEAR!
Let's start 1677 with fine equestrian pursuits!
Horse race in week 1 - prize pot at 2000 GC!
All gentlemen and their mounts are welcome, and the ladies are expected to cheer.
100 GC starting fee including drinks and buffet, or 50 GC for spectators.
By Paris' most active horse race organizer after Le Dauphin,
† Baron Louis Severin Descartes
PS: It may be the New Year, but we respectfully request to refrain from fireworks at the event in order not to unnecessarily scare the horses.

Gentlemen of Paris,
To dispel the tedium of the long winter evenings. I have engaged the services of a renowned string quartet to entertain us at my club. Accordingly, please bring your ladies and join Miss Nifisent and me during the second week of January for dinner and music. Refreshments at my expense.
Regrettably, I must inform you that this invitation does not extend to members of the Archduke Leopold Cuirassiers.
† Marquis Louis Renault

Personal

To Bdr-Gen Descartes,
Congratulations on your well-deserved promotion to full Brigadier-General.
If I can manage to lead the Dragoon Guards half as well as you did, I will be more than satisfied. I feel that I have some very large (riding) boots to fill.
Your good friend,
† Col Chemiste

Dear Count Jeanie,
Many thanks for clarifying your whereas about at the time of the duel. I really do need a Aide as soon as possible, as I was only able to find details about the duel, and totally missed that you were fighting for the King aboard.
† Count Thyme

To Maj. le Flingue,
Now that our esteemed Colonel had been promoted, I will be taking over his position and the Lt-Col. post is yours to take.
I look forward to having your help in leading the regiment.
† Col. Chemiste

It seems my desire for experience in the role of a Gentleman's Second has quickly been resolved. May God grant me the wisdom to learn from the experience and may I fulfil the role with honour.
† JS

An orderly rapped on Major Hayes door in the CPC Barracks. "Delivery for you, Sir."
Hayes replied, "Thank you, is this one ticking too?
"Why yes, Sir. How did you know?"
Hayes replied, "And was it delivered by a small boy with a big moustache who did not speak any French and was wearing orange livery?"
The orderly was stunned. This Major Hayes must be a super detective to know so much through a closed door. "Err, yes, Sir," he replied.
Hayes replied. "Right: careful now, Lad. Take the parcel to the Duty Sergeant and ask him to put it with the others in the safe room. We'll detonate them all at midnight in a safe manner.
The orderly trotted off.
Hayes sighed, "Dear me, Thierry, can't you do any better than that?"

Torchlights flicker along the walls of the corridor to the Commissioner's Office within the Bastille: a closed door, bearing a gold nameplate with the words 'Major Thierry Toothpick, Commissioner of Public Safety'.
Inside, to those who choose to listen, can be heard several voices, upon occasion raised voices. Let's try and see if we can hear what's being said. Listen carefully now...
    "I don't give a Huguenot's arse who knows it, that rogue Cuckpowder has stuck his nose up to all of us: the Law, the Crown, the Public Safety Ministry, even to France itself. The villain must be re-arrested and, next time, we make no mistakes - we use every possible advantage to ensure that there will be no more escaping justice, no more stealing of other people's women nor murdering of their suitors. Cuckpowder must die... death... DEATH... HORRIBLE, TERRIBLE DEATTTTHHHHH!"
    "Calm yourself down, Commissioner. Take a few deep breaths! No point in getting yourself all aerated over things. We've got good men out on the streets already hunting him down, looking for evidence. This Cuckpowder won't evade us for long. Everything's in hand and I've already had the cell prepared for his arrival. You know, Sir, the special one, with the 'accessories', just like you asked!"
    "I guess you're right Tangerine 1. Cuckpowder's living on borrowed time. Before the Christmas turkey is roasting on a fireside spit we'll have him in jail where he belongs... mwwuuuhh ha ha ha ha... mwwuuuhh ha ha ha... HOWEVER, don't forget that accursed witch wench of his. That spell-casting harlot who beguiled His Majesty into sparing Cuckpowder's worthless life. What was her name again... Ah, yes, Morgane Le Fay... I mean if that name doesn't give away the fact she's a black-hearted sorceress, what does?!! We should have no difficulty in convincing the courts of her guilt either. Send out the lads to bring her in too."
    "Right away, Sir. Consider it done".
    "Just before you go, Tangerine 1, there are a couple of other quick matters. Namely this elusive Lord Percy Percy fellow. I suspect he's yet another English Spy AND the lickspittle of Cuckpowder's, Baron Descartes. You'll find a couple of arrest warrants in the top drawer of my desk there. As it's Christmas time - season of good cheer etc - let's give the people something to cheer about eh? Bring those two in as well... Might as well have a full house in the cells for Yuletide... mwwuuuhh... mwwuuuhh... mwwuuuhh ha ha ha ha ha ha... ha ha ha ha."
    "Steady there, Sir, you're going all red in the face again. The old veins are becoming all pronounced in your forehead... Can't be healthy for you, Sir."

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

There was a young lady called Jenny,
Who owned a pretty penny.
If I were her beau,
I'd grab hold of that dough
And spend it on pleasures aplenty.

What motivates Thierry Toothpick?
Is he insane? or is he just thick?
Persecuting his Brigadier?
He'll find himself at the front for the year.
At least he'll have plenty of days
To plan his next steps against Arent Hayes.
We can be reassured this will all end soon:
Toothpick's out on his ear - at the end of June.

Join a club where they call you Sir!
You'll want to be a member of Fleur.
Not quite yet that class of punter?
Then you might become a member at Hunter's.
Unless you ride a Horse and think you're hard,
In which case you'll prefer The Horse Guards.
If those three are out of your reach,
You might want to try the Frog and Peach.
If you still can't afford the fees and tips,
You'll find things cheaper at Red Phillips.
Then again if you're looking to sip
With red lips? curvy hips? or chains and whips?
You need female company, so use your nous
And get yourself to a bawdyhouse.
† FXC