Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for December 1676

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, Poetry Corner, Social

Announcements

Currently seeking a suitable subaltern to act as my Aide.
† Thibault Chanson de Skye

The Ladies of Paris are most unhappy that one of their number has been horribly victimised by the tiny-winy Commissioner. Accordingly, none of them will accompany their beau this month if he supports this unjust prosecution.

What do you mean unjust prosecution... horribly victimised? The wench is a witch, be damned... Women threatening their gentlemen companions if they support His Majesty's Commissioner of Public Safety? Treachery... revolution... treason... TREEEEASSSOOONNNN! If only I had more arrest warrants I'd bring the whole lot of them in! No-one defies Commissioner Toothpick!

** Aide Required **
I am looking for a competent aide.
Please contact me with your credentials.
† (Brevet) Bdr-General Count Thyme

B. Gen le Marquis Camille de Polignac requires an aide. Volunteers are requested to send their applications so that the chosen candidate can be hired by February.

** Join the QOC **
Gentleman of Paris, if you are new to the city or are looking for a new Regiment, then you can do no better than join the Queen's Own Carabiniers.
Please contact me for more details, and some financial help is available.
† Count Thyme

Matters of Honour

Gentlemen of Paris,
I find myself in the unfortunate position of having to attend frequent matters of honour. I feel it prudent, therefore, to appoint a second to keep the dust off my coat and ensure fair play on the duelling field. Reciprocal arrangements will, of course, apply to whoever fills the role. Please contact me directly if interested.
Honourably yours,
† Dediette

Bvt. General Count de Bécqueur seeks one or two reliable gentlemen to stand as his seconds, should any disagreements need to be settled on the field of honour. In these unsettled times, it is sound military sense to secure one's rear. The Count will, of course, reciprocate, if required. Please contact the General through his club.

I hope this letter finds you well, Brigadier-General Puffington.
You may have heard that I have found myself challenged to a duel. Unfortunately, being new to the city of Paris I do not yet have a second. Being a member of the same regiment, I would humbly ask if you would be willing to be nominated as my second.
Of course I would reciprocate such a generous action and would be willing to act as an additional second for your upcoming duel with Thibault Chanson de Skye.
Best,
† Captain Barthélemy Chifflet

It appears that a scoundrel known as Arent Hayes has been recirculating old invitations from Count de Béquerer [sic] in a manner designed to confuse and embarrass his social betters. I challenge him to meet me on the field of honour to learn some manners.
† Thibault Chanson de Skye

Social

All Gentlemen are invited during week 2 to bring their favourite rapier and join Marquis Louis Renault and his fencing master to discuss Gerard Thibault's "On the posture of the straight line" from his treatise, The Academy of the Sword. This will be followed by an opportunity for some light sparring. Afterwards, we will retire to Fleur de Lys, where Miss Nifisent will arrange for some well-earned refreshments for our swordsmen and their ladies, at the Marquis's expense.

To the gentleman of Paris.
As I seem to find myself at the rather cold and dreary front for this winter, I regret I must cancel the chest [sic] tournaments that was posted to be held next month.
† Captain Neville Moore
PS I will attempt to reschedule when back from the front.

Personal

To: Captain Pierre de Terre
Sir,
    I recently spoke with my tailor and was delighted to hear you had taken my advice and he had measured you for a new dress uniform. I was looking forward to seeing you wearing it at Mass, but you were absent, nor were you to be found at my festive luncheon at Fleur de Lys afterwards. I was profoundly disappointed and naturally assumed you had succumbed to some illness and sent my servant to your lodgings to enquire after you. A gentleman directed him to the Frog & Peach, where he discovered you in the company of a young woman and her friends.
    I should not have been surprised that you were spending my allowance on these women, while I organised carriages to transport my guests to Fleur de Lys after the Mass. When you first approached me regarding the position as my aide, I understood we had made an agreement, including a generous recompense. Then you have the temerity to inform me you are already acting as aide to Count Bernard de Lur-Saluces. If that was not bad enough, you arrive at the barracks and ask the divisional clerk for your pay as my aide, blaming your pigeon for the misunderstanding.
    During the summer, you demonstrated exceptional courage and loyalty to his majesty. Your service was commendable. However, your loyalty to your Lieutenant-General is not as steadfast. I am a charitable man, and I am willing to give you a second chance. Miss Nifisent and I plan to attend the horse race sponsored by Baron Louis Severin Descartes, during week one, and our musical evening at Fleur de Lys during week two. I expect you, in your dress uniform, to be in attendance at your own expense. Miss Nifisent always enjoys meeting the ladies of my aides, and she requests that you be accompanied by your friend from the Frog & Peach.
    If you prefer the company of your associates at the Frog & Peach in preference to assisting me, then so be it. However, such actions are not in line with the expectations I have for my aide. If you choose to continue in this manner, I will expect your letter of resignation forthwith. Note, I have instructed my clerk to withhold any further payments until further notice.
    Note, I will not be taken for a fool. It is not suitable for one's reputation when one's aide chooses to snub one's invitation. If you choose to continue as my aide but then fail to undertake your duties seriously, then I will have no other option but to demand an apology. You may contact my second, Marquis Zavier Ulric Turenne.
† Lt-General Marquis Louis Renault

To Lt-General Marquis Louis Renault
Sir,
I must apologise again for any confusion, and profusely apologise for any unintended disrespect on my part. I have been so enamoured with Sal recently that it has caused me to lose track of time and miss important events, such as the mass that you had mentioned. Please do accept my deepest and most sincere apologies, both to yourself and to your good lady, Miss Nifisent. I have explained the situation to Sal and she is looking forward to meeting both of you.
I can assure you that I will be present for all your events moving forward, no matter how enchanting Sal proves to be. I will attend both the horse race as well as your musical evening at Fleur de Lys, in my dress uniform, at my own expense, accompanied by the delightful Sal Munella. I appreciate being given a second chance to prove that I am the right man for the job.
Sincerely,
† Captain Pierre de Terre

A Pamphlet From A Citizen of Paris: In Defence of Mademoiselle Morgane Le Fay (PDF 46k).

It appears that I have been challenged by someone I have never heard off through a cowardly letter, some wannabe bully called Chancy de Skye? It appears he has teamed up with another pair of cream puffs called Stantinople and Saad into some sort of Gay Paris Funboys club whose aim is to challenge TRUE PATRIOTS for their efforts in exposing corruption at the very heart of our Government. Sadly, it appears they have turned the head of Baron Descartes, who I had thought of as a fair and decent gentleman. Ho hum, I had better warn the stable boys to watch out for unwanted attentions from this trio of rascals when the Horse Race is over.

Bon swar, Paree. What's a decent club round here then?
† Charles Etfeevor

Overheard in the Fleur de Lys:
Witchcraft, you say? Beguiling, you say? Spying for the enemy, you say? I say that's not witchcraft, that's desperation. I mean, if he can't convict a woman, then he's not fit for his post and should be removed.

To: The People of Paris
Word reaches me that some women - unpatriotic and treasonous women - have made threats to their gentleman companions and declared that they are taking some kind of rebellious stance against our beloved Commissioner of Public Safety, Major Tiny Thierry Toothpick.
Do these females... subservients... women... not realise who Commissioner Toothpick is?! He is an appointed Minister of His Majesty the King, a true servant of the Crown AND any opposition to him is thus, by definition, TREASON. TRRRREAAASSSOOONNN in its greatest form! Everyone knows what treason begets: DDDDDDEEEEEAAAAAATTTTHHHH! Terrible, agonising, tortuous DDDDEEEAAAATTTTHHHH! It's coming women. Defy me, defy Commissioner Toothpick at your own peril - don't say you weren't warned! Alternatively, declare your loyalty, your love of the crown and reap the benefits of such.
I hereby decree, despite being at the Front because of the machinations of 'snake-in-the-grass' Cuckpowder, all recognised mistresses who refuse to pledge an oath of loyalty and obedience to the Crown, which, obviously, includes me, Commissioner Toothpick, will mean you're all liable to arrest.
† Commissioner for Public Safety Major Tiny Thierry Toothpick, His Majesty's Royal Foot Guards

Gentlemen of Paris - A Call To Arms
It seems our streets are not safe for unaccompanied ladies: diminutive dastards dwell in the dark depths; puny pipsqueaks prowl and pounce. To counter this threat, I have enlisted a small company of stout fellows, strong of arm and of honour, to protect the gentler members of our community from renegades in general, and the tangerine tyrants in particular. I pray their vigilance will allow ladies to promenade in peace on the pavements of Paris.
† Greg

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

Around Paris I've heard it said
That Violets are blue and Roses are red.
I really feel that the people I meet
Should not be so indiscreet.
† FXC

1 The mighty Toothpick, squeaks his rage,
A tiny tyrant in his cage.
He stamps his foot, his face turns red,
With foolish notions in his head.
2 They sent the wretch to join the front,
A most judicious, timely stunt.
He'll shriek at shadows in the trench
And bore the enemy with his blench.
3 A safer place for France, it's true,
When he is not near me or you!
† Baron Descartes

On recirculating last month's invitations:
1 The cardstock's thick, the ink impressed,
A promise of a timely guest.
A simple time, a stated name,
The rules of every social game.
2 But now a sloppy, careless crime,
Recycling from a former time.
A nameless, vague, confusing scrawl-
The surest way to rankle all.
3 This is the fruit of failed command,
When no firm, steady hand's at hand.
A minor, yet a telling, sign
That order's no longer divine.
4 So let this lesson now be taught,
For which our firm support is bought.
The cur will learn his place again,
Beneath the boots of better men.
† Baron Descartes

Arriving in Paris, a bit of a hick,
To rise in society he did lick.
Bottom of the class - he is a bit thick -
Of his orange army we are now all sick.
He uses them when he goes out to nick
The ladies who all consider him a prick.
On Parisian Society, he's as welcome as a tick.
It is sure that if you feel the same,
You'll have no trouble in guessing his name.

Carefully he ties his fine cravat,
Upon his face a sneering pout,
Countless debtors he sends to the hat,
Knaves and bullies, with nary a doubt.
Pleasure he takes in a frightened face,
Ordering servants to stand in line,
Whispering insults, with nary a trace,
Darkening all with his foul design.
Elegant clothes, but a rotten soul,
Revelling in his cruel control.

1 A trouble comes to city streets,
But here a heart of honour beats
Strong against the tide of crime,
Finding power in lines of rhyme.
2 Try not my patience, tiny men,
Lest sword be raised in place of pen.
Words may hurt your misplaced pride;
Sticks and stones will tan your hide.
† Greg