Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
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Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses
Being a correspondence game of En Garde! run by Pevans since April 1986 and now published as part of To Win Just Once.
If you'd like to play, you'll need to subscribe to TWJO (follow the link for details). You will need a copy of the rules to En Garde! - or at least access to a copy. The additional rules for LPBS are available as a PDF document. (You will need Adobe Reader to view this: it is available free from Adobe.)
Orders for February 1677 to LPBS, 180 Aylsham Drive, Uxbridge UB10 8UF or the LPBS orders e-mail address by 24th October 2025.
Game Report for January 1677
Sections: Duels, Trials, Appointments and Regiments, What happened in Paris, What happened at the front.
We start the new year as usual - with Parisians chopping chunks out of each other with sharpened steel. First up are beefy Balzac Slapdash with his rapier against pint-sized Con Stantinople with his sabre (and lack of expertise). Con has the support of Jacques Shitacks and Thibault Chanson de Skye, while Balzac comes alone. A lunge from the rapier is met by a slash from the sabre and it's the bigger man who surrenders.
The new wound is enough to allow Balzac to decline his other duels, leaving Ian Dediette and Justin Thyme disappointed.
Next up are average-sized Arent Hayes and the slender Sebastiane Blanc-Chevaux. Neither man has a second and it's sabre (Arent) versus rapier (Sebastiane) again. Sebastiane shows some skill by dodging Arent's opening slash and then impaling him with a lunge. However, Arent's second slash strikes home and that's enough for Sebastiane.
His defeat doesn't stop Sebastiane going on to meet Vaux de Fon, a duel that matches his rapier against another sabre. Not to mention a more skilled swordsman and beefier fellow. This time Sebastiane's lunge is at the same time as his opponent's slash and, again, Sebastiane concedes the fight.
Hugh Jeneaux is due at several encounters this month, but fails to show up at any of them. This leaves Botte Le Chimiste, Elroi le Flingue and Maurice Danseur all swishing their swords at empty air. Not so, Marcel Hatch Dupree - he doesn't turn up either! Nor is Marcel present for his match with Thibault.
Instead, big man Thibault gets to face a slightly bigger man, Percival Puffington. Both wield rapiers and have an array of seconds: Con (with a plentiful supply of brandy and bandages) and Jacques for Thibault and Bernard de Lur-Saluces for Percival. A lunge from Percival is countered by a slash from Thibault. Then it's cuts from both sides. Given his old injuries, Thibault surrenders before taking any more damage. As far as Percival is concerned, this is a fight to the death! Luckily for Thibault, his seconds quickly intervene and force Percival to put up his sword.
Last into the fray this month are Barthélemy Chifflet and Charles PiedLuminaire. Once again we have sabre (Charles) against rapier (Barthélemy) and bigger man (Barthélemy) versus smaller (Charles). This time, however, it's the smaller man who has the greater skill. And two seconds in the form of Dee Jean Aise and Louis Severin Descartes. Charles's block is ineffective against Barthélemy's lunge and his jump is mis-timed, allowing Barthélemy to hit him again, with a slash. An exchange of slashes sees Charles concede, just as Barthélemy starts to struggle.
Does she weigh the same as a duck?
After which, it's everybody to the courthouse for the historic trial of Mlle Morgane Le Fay, alleged by the Commissioner of Public Safety to be a witch and traitor. The ladies of Paris, in particular, are taking this very seriously and have clubbed together (with some help from their menfolk) to support Morgane. The public gallery is packed with well-dressed women. However, there are also supporters of CPS "Tiny" Thierry, who consider this latest spectacle of justice merely a sideshow compared to previous months. "Who is this Le Fay woman?" they murmur. "Commissioner Toothpick had her arrested, so she must be guilty, right?" They were about to find out...
The arrival of the prosecutors brings hissing and cries of 'shame on you!' from the ladies, but cheers erupt when the defendant is brought in. Perfumed handkerchiefs wave in the air, giving the court an aroma of lavender rather than sweat and fear.
"Pray rise for Minister of State Comte Monty Christie," announces a sinewy looking court usher and the room falls quiet. In shuffles a non-descript fellow, albeit adorned in the finery befitting his station, noticeably bleary-eyed, dew drop clearly visible hanging from his prominent nose. His Majesty's recently appointed State Minister takes his seat and, after an initial fumble, bangs his gavel.
"Court is in session," he announces. "I call for the case of Crown against Mlle Morgane Le Fay and trust it will not be a lengthy case as I have a number of scintillating young ladies, ahem, pressing matters of State to attend to. Commissioner Toothpick please take the stand."
A small, orange-garbed fellow pushes himself forward to the Commissioner's seat. "Your Grace, if I may," he says in an apologetic tone. "Commissioner Toothpick is presently inconvenienced at the Front. Sent there unannounced on the orders of that vagabond swine, Cuckpowder, a terrible individual who Commissioner Toothpick suspects to be an insidious English spy, worthy only of immediate death, and a TERRIBLE death at that, Your Grace. Yes, slow... deliberately slow as befits a traitor... Anyway, we'll get back to that."
"You can call me Tangerine 1," he continues, "I'm here in the Commissioner's enforced absence to lead the case for the Prosecution, granted full permission by Commissioner Toothpick, as shown in this signed letter here." The petite man flourishes a sheet of paper. "The case against this whore of Beelzebub, Morgane Le Fay. She's a harlot, Your Grace, steeped in witchcraft and totally in league with Cuckpowder... I mean, that should prove guilt in itself. Cuckpowder, you must have heard of him? Commissioner Toothpick has instructed me, at this point, to make clear to Your Grace that he has a couple of arrest warrants left and you don't want to be the recipient one of those do you, really? Find this harlot guilty then, makes sense, you don't want to be on the bad side of Commissioner Toothpick, surely, no, of course not."
"I state to the Court this has to be one of the most 'open and cut' cases it has ever reviewed. This wench oozes the dark arts, oozes treachery, she simply has to go... permanently... do it, Your Grace... you have to... the sentence has to be GUUUIILLLTTTYYY and the punishment... DEEEEAAAATTHHHH..." At this juncture the orange-attired fellow begins a dramatic exhibition of jumping up and down, ranting, shouting, waving papers in the air. "GUILTY, Your Grace... you have to concur, elsewise it's a mockery of our legal system. I have a whole sheaf of papers here, clear evidence of guilt, signed by Commissioner Toothpick, absolutely no point in wasting any further time... allow me to conclude the Prosecution's case - as well as reminding you arrest warrants still exist, waiting to be served upon traitors, traitors who might currently be Ministers for State - so it has to be GUILTY!"
As this frothing peroration comes to an exhausted end, it becomes clear that the growing background noise is the continuing chorus of boos and cries of "shame!" from the well-dressed ladies in the gallery. Then attention is diverted by a commotion at the back of the court.
A hush spreads through the room as a short man with a long moustache pushes his way through the crowd to take the position of defending advocate. He pauses briefly to straighten his cravat before addressing the Minister of State. "I am Monsieur Shark of Sue, Grabbit and Runne, notaries to the gentry and... well, whoever can pay our fees." His eyes sparkle briefly. "I have been engaged by loyal officers of the crown to represent this unfortunate lady." Taking a deep breath, he draws himself up to his full height of 5' 2".
"This trial is a farce. Under the laws of France, specifically section 15, subsection 3, paragraph 2 of the Apprehension of Persons Act, the CPS or one of his ferrets," he begins, prompting more boos from the gallery, "must be present to make an arrest." He looks around the room. "As the court has heard, the CPS is on the border defending our country against the Dutch - or at least hiding in a trench there. No ferret has come forward to detail the arrest or charges. The poor lady was arrested by a fraud - we know someone was going around Paris impersonating the CPS as he was seen by many at Mass last month. Accordingly, her arrest is invalid and all charges should be dismissed," he concludes to raucous cheers from the gallery.
Before the Minister can give his verdict, Zeold von Tu demands to be heard for the defence. "This charge is a travesty of justice," my lord. "Witchcraft, it is well-known, is indulged in by ancient crones with broomsticks and warts; accusing this prisoner is both mad and ungallant. Morgane is certainly enchanting," he bows toward the prisoner, "but Paris would be a sorry place if that were banned, eh? And when the disgraceful CPS claims that a lady being beguiling is against the law, he gives a more troubling insight into his own affairs than into those of Mlle Le Fay. But then, what can you expect from a man who surrounds himself with small orange boys with large moustaches? In the name of sanity, I demand an acquittal."
Justin Thyme weighs in as well. "Guinevere was talking to me last night, and mentioned this terrible situation that Morgane has gotten herself into, through no fault of her own. After Guinevere explained the situation, I totally agree: Morgane's no witch and these charges should be dropped straight away."
The prisoner does not indulge in oratory, but merely looks piteous and passes the judge a note which, when later retrieved, reads only 'If I am acquitted I shall be at home alone on Friday evening. I shall also feel very grateful.' and her address.
"While due weight must be given to the Commissioner of Public Safety's evidence," begins the Minister. "What I have heard - and received - from the defence makes it clear that he is completely mistaken. I therefore find Mlle Le Fay not guilty of all charges and release her from custody." Though those last few words are drowned out by the cheers and applause from the gallery.
Plus and minus a Brigadier
Dragoon Brigadier Louis Severin Descartes has a hankering to be a Minister. But he doesn't want a specific portfolio, just the kudos of being a Minister. His ambition is supported by Greg de Bécqueur and Rick Shaw, who call in some favours to make sure Louis gets this appointment. His Majesty is impressed enough to follow this by awarding the title of Marquis to his latest Minister.
Thibault Chanson de Skye's ambition, conversely, is to lead a Brigade. Fourth Foot, in his case. To this end, he uses his influence: first, to ensure the incumbent steps down, and second, to all but guarantee that he gets the job. And so he does.
Charles PiedLuminaire, Sebastiane Blanc-Chevaux and Thibault gang up on the senior Major in Princess Louisa's Light Dragoons and force him out. This allows Dee Jean Aise to promote himself into that rank - though he becomes junior Major.
Percival Puffington decides it's time for the Picardy Musketeers to join in the fun and games in the Netherlands. This comes as an unwelcome news to PM Captain Barthélemy Chifflet, who had other plans.
Lieutenant-Colonel Come Asiouar of the Cardinal's Guard is also keen to get into action and takes his battalion with him.
Crazy horses!
At the races |
|
|---|---|
| Where | Week 1 |
| Prix d'Or | LSD + Edna |
| . ZUT + Laura | |
| . FdB + Freda | |
| . JS | |
| . BS + Alison | |
| . HF + Ella | |
| . JiT + Guinevere | |
| . ZvT + Morgane | |
| . PDT + Sal | |
| . BLC + Eve | |
| . AA | |
| . ElF + Lucy | |
| . GdB + Bette | |
| . CS + Anne | |
| . MD + Belle | |
| . SDS | |
| . DJA | |
| . LR + Maggie | |
| Outside Prix d'Or | CdN (LSD) |
| Shows who was in or outside a club: . = Toady to character above; bold = spectating only; (G) = Gambled. | |
We start the month's social calendar at the Prix d'Or for the latest horse race sponsored by Louis Severin Descartes. The cold conditions do not attract as many participants as usual, but there are still 14 horses and riders lined up at the start. Missing is Claude de Nord, who has turned up wearing "Royal blue silks and pantaloons." However, Louis does not want his presence and he - together with his mount, Martinique - is turned away. Con Stantinople on Pharlap is the clear favourite - his small stature and tactical nous put him well ahead of the others. And Con does indeed take the lead at the start, stretching that to several lengths as the horses jostle round the first corner.
Justin Thyme is closest of the chasing jockeys. On his tail is the race's sponsor, Louis SD, with Zavier Ulric Turenne just behind him. The main pack consists of Balzac Slapdash, Dee Jean Aise, Elroi le Flingue, Hugo Furst and Maurice Danseur. Greg de Bécqueur and Zeold von Tu are just off the pace with François de Blanchefort and Steve De Sade right behind them and Botte Le Chimiste bringing up the rear.
Con's horse doesn't show a great turn of speed down the back straight, allowing the fast-charging Justin to catch him at the second/final turn. Charging even faster are Hugo and Maurice, still alongside each other and just two lengths behind the leaders. Equally fast are Dee, Louis, Zavier, and Zeold, now just behind those three. Balzac is next, his horse faltering and caught by Steve. Greg has maintained position, but is now only ahead of Elroi, François and Botte in that order.
Justin's mount can't take the pace, stumbles around the turn and can only walk to the finish line. Con does just enough to stay ahead of Hugo who pulls away from the pack to take second place. Louis and Zavier maintain their momentum and pass the slowing Hugo and Maurice for joint third. Balzac catches Justin for joint 6th. Maurice trots in as 8th with Elroi, Greg, Steve and Zeold just behind him (and 9th equal). Dee and François are 13th= at the back of the pack and Botte brings up the rear, a couple of minutes after the winner has finished. The strain of "riding like the very devil" has been too much for Hugo's horse, however, and a pistol shot signals its demise.
Having decreed that the carousing should not start before the race, Louis now leads the charge to the bar where the riders join their ladies and the other spectators. Elroi le Flingue is quick to buy the winner a drink. Despite the celebrations, winning rider Con Stantinople is challenged by Balzac Slapdash from his enemy regiment. Con gives as good as he gets and his regimental colleague, Justin Thyme, adds his support.
Who was where: in the clubs |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Where | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 |
| Fleur de Lys | FXC + Justine | FXC + Justine (CG) | JiT + Guinevere | JiT + Guinevere |
| LSD + Edna | BeV + Lotte | FXC + Justine | FXC + Justine | |
| JH + Cath | . HS + Sue | BeV + Lotte | GdB + Bette | |
| . VdF (CPC) | . HS + Sue | . ZUT + Laura | ||
| GdB + Bette | . VdF | . LR + Maggie | ||
| . ZUT + Laura | GdB + Bette | |||
| . FdB + Freda (CPC) | . ZUT + Laura | |||
| . HF + Ella | . FdB + Freda | |||
| . ZvT | . HF + Ella | |||
| . MHD (RM) | . MHD | |||
| . BLC + Eve | . BLC + Eve | |||
| LR + Maggie | . CS + Anne | |||
| . TCdS + Katy (69A) | . LR + Maggie | |||
| . JiT + Guinevere | ||||
| . SBC (53F) | ||||
| . AH (CPC) | ||||
| . PDT + Sal | ||||
| . ElF + Lucy | ||||
| . CdF + Jenny (RM) | ||||
| . CS + Anne | ||||
| . CdN + Jacky (KM) | ||||
| . CPL | ||||
| . SDS(G) | ||||
| . DJA | ||||
| Outside Fleur de Lys | FdB (GdB) | |||
| HF (GdB) | ||||
| MHD (GdB) | ||||
| PDT (GdB) | ||||
| BLC (GdB) | ||||
| CS (GdB) | ||||
| Hunter's | HS + Sue | AA | AA | |
| Outside Hunter's | PDT (NM) | |||
| CdN (NM) | ||||
| Frog & Peach | JS | JS | CPL + Violet | |
| CPL + Violet | ||||
| Red Phillips | VdF | |||
| Shows who was in or outside a club: . = Toady to character above; (G) = Gambled; CP = Crown Prince; (id) = expected host; bold = first visit to new club; underline = first time mistress seen in public with this beau. | ||||
Love Me for a Reason
The race means it's a quiet week elsewhere in Paris, but the parties kick off in the Fleur de Lys the following week. Ben e'Volence, Greg de Bécqueur ("the invitation was intended for last month!") and Louis Renault - who's provided entertainment from a "renowned string quartet" - are the hosts. Elroi tips Louis's musicians to play "Je ne menge point
de porc" and accompanies them, singing the bass part boisterously. Following his dressing down by his boss (see Press),
Pierre De Terre is careful to attend with Sal Munella and in full dress uniform. The final part of Pierre's penance being the only person who has to buy his (and Sal's) own drinks. Steve De Sade takes the opportunity of being in the Fleur to place a minimum bet at the tables. And loses. Talking of kicking off, with all the parties in one club, it's no surprise some regimental enmities are triggered.
All the shenanigans involve Louis's guests. Starting with Royal Marine Chemin de Fer and Arquebusier Thibault Chanson de Skye. This brings in Marcel Hatch Dupree, another Marine, from Greg's bash. Then there's a set-to between Arent Hayes of the Crown Prince's men and Sebastiane Blanc-Chevaux from the 53rd. Hearing the epithets, François de Blanchefort comes from Greg's group to support Arent and is followed by fellow Cuirassier Vaux de Fon who's Toadying to Ben. Finally, King's Musketeer Claude de Nord (the man who wasn't allowed in the horse race) leaves the party to exchange challenges with another club member, Cardinal's Guard Frank X Change.
Both Ben and Greg continue their hosting for a second week, but only Greg carries on to week four. By now he's got fed up with characters of low social standing damaging his reputation and confines the guest list to more prestigious members of society. This leaves a substantial group of hopefuls stuck outside the Fleur.
Meanwhile, despite Neville Moore giving notice that his Chess Tournament would not be taking place (he's in action with the Royal Foot Guards), a couple of hopefuls still turn up at Hunter's expecting to participate.
Who was where: courting, visiting and going out |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Where | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 |
| Alison | Out | |||
| Anne | Out | Out | Out | |
| Belle | Out | |||
| Bette | Out | Out | Out | Out |
| Cath | Out | |||
| Edna | Out | LSD at home | LSD at home | LSD at home |
| Ella | Out | Out | Out | |
| Eve | Out | Out | Out | |
| Freda | Out | Out | Out | |
| Guinevere | Out | Out | Out | Out |
| Jacky | Out | |||
| Jenny | Out | |||
| Justine | Out | Out | Out | Out |
| Katy | TCdS at home | Out | TCdS at home | TCdS at home |
| Laura | Out | Out | Out | Out |
| Lotte | Out | Out | ||
| Lucy | Out | Out | ||
| Maggie | Out | Out | Out | Out |
| Morgane | Out | |||
| Sal | Out | Out | ||
| Sue | Out | Out | Out | |
| Therèse | BS fails I-Alison | BS fails | BS fails | |
| Thomasina | DJA succeeds ex-SE | |||
| Violet | CPL succeeds ex-BC | Out | Out | |
| Shows who was with a mistress or on a doorstep: Out = Mistress with current lover; I = Indiscreet (+ mistress name); ex-id = Pinched from former lover; st.down = stood down to rivals. | ||||
In the courting stakes, both Charles PiedLuminaire and Dee Jean Aise are successful at the cost of triggering a duel with their new ladies' old beaux. While Balzac Slapdash's history is one of failure. He tries to take advantage of Rick Shaw's departure from Paris. However, not only does he fail to woo Paris's favourite non-witch,
but his indiscretion also means he gets the boot from Alison Wunderlandt and gives cause to Morgane's current squeeze.
And a couple of others are content to spend time with their ladies. Louis Renault explains, "Unfortunately, somewhere along the line, Edna and I have contracted a nasty bug identified by doctors as Covid-1676 and have to self-isolate as well as practice social distance for a while. Anyway, the weather is dreadful." Not spending time with any ladies is Charles Etfeevor, despite his trip to a Bawdyhouse. Steve De Sade uses his visit to practise his wagering, placing a series of small bets. Three wins and a loss leave him a few crowns to the good. Even Sebastiane Blanc-Chevaux and Henri DuShite, both jingling their remaining crowns, fail to attract any footpads.
Who was where: round and about |
||||
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Where | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 |
| Bawdy houses | CE | AH + FC | JS + FC | |
| MHD + FC | AA + FC | VdF + FC | ||
| SBC + FC | SDS(G) + FC | HDS + FC | ||
| ID + FC | ||||
| Practising | AH - Sabre | CE - Rapier | CE - Rapier | CE - Rapier |
| HDS - Cutlass | HDS - Cutlass | ZvT - Rapier | HS - Rapier | |
| JdG - Rapier | JdG - Rapier | SBC - Rapier | ZvT - Rapier | |
| CdF - Cutlass | ID - Sabre | HDS - Cutlass | SBC - Rapier | |
| BeV - Sabre | MD - Sabre | JdG - Rapier | AH - Sabre | |
| BdLS - Foil | JH - Sabre | ElF - Sabre | JdG - Rapier | |
| BdLS - Foil | CdF - Cutlass | CdF - Cutlass | ||
| ID - Sabre | BeV - Sabre | |||
| MD - Sabre | ID - Sabre | |||
| JH - Sabre | CdN - Sabre | |||
| BdLS - Foil | MD - Sabre | |||
| JH - Sabre | ||||
| SDS - Sabre | ||||
| BdLS - Foil | ||||
| Regimental Duties | IP | |||
| Busy doing nothing | ElF -Toady to ???? | |||
| DJA -club | ||||
| Shows everybody else: FC = Female Companionship; Mug n = Mugged & amount lost; (G) = Gambled; Weapon = Weapon practised with. For those doing nothing: -club = not a member of a club; -Cash = insufficient funds; -SL = insufficient Social Level; ???? = unknown host. | ||||
Boom!
January is not a good month to be campaigning, so the French troops mostly stick to their lines as they continue to lay siege to enemy positions. Jean d'Aubergine, commander of the Fourth Arquebusiers, oversees the sappers laying a mine under the enemy's fortifications. When they light the fuse, it fizzles ominously, but quickly goes out. "Re-light it," demands Jean. "Can't be sure it's not still alight, sir," is the reply. "Stuff and nonsense," is the reply. "Anyone can see it's gone out." Jean grabs a lighted taper and heads for the mine. He is presumed dead in the explosion that follows. RIP.
The Royal Foot Guards may not be doing much, but the loot keeps rolling in. Over a thousand crowns' worth for CO Camille de Polignac and Major "Tiny" Thierry Toothpick. A little more for Captain Neville Moore and nearly fifteen hundred for Lieutenant-Colonel Martin de Garnache. Captain Felipe Savant's plundering is closer to two thousand crowns' worth and Major Hector William Boone does best with over 2,000 crowns' worth of goodies. Guards Brigadier Terence Cuckpowder is rather left out in the cold with a paltry few hundred crowns as his reward.
It's the fresh troops of the Picardy Musketeers who score the one success of the month, overrunning an Imperial outpost. There's a round thousand crowns' worth of booty for commanding officer Percival Puffington. Captain Barthélemy Chifflet collects a hundred crowns less, but his personal bravery in taking on the defenders earns him a week in the infirmary and promotion to Major. At least he can afford the horses he needs for his new rank.
The RNHB regiment does its thing, earning over a thousand crowns' worth of loot for General Rick Shaw, who's commanding a battalion. Come Asiouar survives with his battalion of the Cardinal's Guard attached to Frontier regiment 4. Not so Major Justin Cartier. His battalion of the 27th Musketeers is serving with Frontier regiment 2 and he chooses the wrong moment to poke his head above the ramparts to investigate all that the noise from the Dutch lines. Firing their artillery is the answer and his head does not survive impact with a cannonball. RIP.