Les Petites Bêtes Soyeuses

Players' Press for November 1676

Sections: Announcements, Blatant Brown-nosing, Despatches from the Front, Matters of Honour, Military Missives, Ministerial Correspondence, Personal, The Play's the Thing, Poetry Corner, Social

Announcements

Aide wanted. Capable Subalterns please contact me.
† Bdr-General A. Alsace, 1st Foot Brigadier

** Aide Required **
I am looking for a competent aide.
Please contact me with your credentials
† Count Thyme

** Join the QOC **
Gentleman of Paris, if you are new to the city or are looking for a new Regiment, then you can do no better than join the Queen’s Own Carabiniers.
Please contact me for more details, and some financial help is available.
† Count Thyme

Matters of Honour

To Col Justin Thyme,
Sir, you are recognised as one of His Majesty’s best soldiers. Why then, do you pretend to be a mere child, hurling childish insults? My challenge to yourself was on behalf of the premier Cavalry regiment in France, the Dragoon Guards, which everyone knows to be superior to the Queen’s Own Cuirassiers, which does however have the honour to be the 2nd best Cavalry regiment in France. It is for the members of the RFG, the KM and the CG to decide if they wish to challenge you on behalf of their own regiments. Considering that Paris agreed that I had cause to issue my own challenge then they may well feel justified in doing so, especially as you had the bad taste to reissue your comments.
For myself, I shall not challenge you again over the matter. Paris agreed that I had cause and I prevailed over you on the Field of Honour. I therefore consider that subject closed for the moment. However, you had the effrontery to mention my late mother in your recent letter to me. The lady died in giving me life and she is now laid to rest in our family chapel. I demand that you apologise for speaking in an insulting manner of her, otherwise I shall expect to meet you yet again so that I may teach you better manners.
† Maurice Danseur, Major Dragoon Guards

Dear Tiny Todger Toothpick.
Insult me or my office one more time and you will be sorry.

Could be anyone…
† Le Roi

Social

It’s Race time!!
Yes, my friends, I am hosting NOT ONE BUT TWO… yes, you read that right… TWO HORSE RACES! In Week 4 of December, a chance to shake off those Christmas lunches and excess beverages by coming along to either compete or watch the first of these: “The Count (should be plain Monsieur) Terence Cuckpowder is a Traitor Steeplechase”.
No entry fee, but you need to cover your own carousing costs, and mistresses welcome for what promises to be a fun packed event. All participants (jockeys) to the actual race itself will receive a complimentary Cuckpowder/Shaw Le duo d’amis traîtres’ effigié thingy, a hand-held copy of this month’s Les Jardins Tuileries unveiling. What a bargain, eh? So don’t miss out – make sure you attend!
In January (Week 4) will be the second race: “The Earl (should be plain Monsieur) Rick Shaw is also a Traitor Steeplechase”, with the same terms as Race 1.
I look forward to seeing you all there.
† Bvt Brigadier, Baron (should be Count) Thierry Toothpick
Rightful Commissioner of Public Safety
Commanding Officer, His Majesty’s Dragoon Guards

Gentlemen of Paris,
During week one, Miss Nifisent and I will attend mass to commemorate the Feast Day of Saint Nicholas of Myra. We cordially invite you to join us in our devotions to this beloved patron saint of children. After the service, we will have a small gathering at my club, where we will serve a delectable array of traditional dishes and drinks to celebrate this occasion. We would be honoured if you and your ladies would join us as our guests.
Regards,
† Marquis Louis Renault

Military Missives

To: Brigadier, Heavy Brigade
Dear Sir,
As Inspector of Cavalry, it is my responsibility to ensure each Brigade is commanded by the most suitable Brigadier-General. Your application reflects an outstanding record with your infantry regiment. However, a few officers have discreetly mentioned that you appear less than at ease in the saddle, and your persistent sneezing near horses has occasionally disrupted parades and training sessions.
Might I invite you to call upon me at your convenience so we may discuss your appointment further?
With respect,
† Marquis Louis Renault, Inspector of Cavalry

Hold your horses, lads: I’m coming.
† SBC

Personal

To: Parisian Society
Cher friends,
As your rightful Public Safety Commissioner, rest assured that I am taking all necessary steps to remove the traitors Cuckpowder and Shaw from our City and, in fact, corporeal existence!
This month it is my great pleasure, despite being away bravely serving His Majesty & France at the Front, to unveil a commissioned art-piece for the people of Paris to enjoy as they stroll around Les Jardins Tuileries, all paid for by my good self!
Come and see “Le duo d’amis traîtres” a most splendid sculpture type thingy of Paris’s most notorious villains, depicting the closeness of their friendship and abnormality! It’s free of charge, not a single sou to fork out, come and enjoy it for nothing and why not bring some eggs or rotten fruit with you to help decorate it!
God Bless His Majesty, God Bless Thierry Toothpick and God Bless France!
† Bvt Brigadier Baron (should be Count) Thierry Toothpick
Dragoon Guards Commanding Officer

Christmas is coming, why not get something special for the lady in your life?
Botte Le Chimiste has a limited supply of Eau de Parfum now in stock. It has delicate hints of lavender and rose and comes in a crystal vial, only 5Cr/vial. A must for the discerning gentleman.
Blended especially for members of the ALC, he also has Eau de Dungheap, made with only the finest manure. Only Cr10/glass vial.
And, for the undiscerning midget, he has Eau de Tangerine, a bargain at Cr100/jam jar.

To Count Cuckpowder
Sir, May I express my deep appreciation for the unexpected gift I received from your good self. As a struggling young officer new to Paris and coming to terms with the rapidly rising costs associated with our fair capital city, this has come as a very welcome addition to my threadbare financial position and will mean I can now face the Shylocks’ demands for loan repayment with a clear conscience.
I remain, Sir, your obedient servant,
† Captain Claude B’Limey GDMD

Aujourd’hui
Petite Henri is claiming that his reputation and financial standing have been ruined by accusations that he is a coward.

To: Interim CPS Earl Claude de Nord
De Nord, have you sorted out those warrants for Cuckpowder, Shaw and Le Fay yet? What the hell is causing the delay, man? I gave you the instructions over a month ago and the people are eager to see justice enacted!
Pull your finger out. If you expect to be given a place in my future government, I want to see promptness and efficiency, precious little of which I’ve seen when it comes to you. Remember you’re in place until His Majesty (also a seeming slacker when it comes to haste) appoints me joint MoS & CPS, so at least try and do a half decent job – surely you’ve an ounce of pride somewhere, self-respect etc… HURRY UP!
† Baron (should be Count) Thierry Toothpick
Rightful Commissioner of Public Safety

Marquis Renault
I regret that after many months of accepting your kind invitations for Henrietta and I to dine with you and Miss Nifisent, last month resulted in a disturbance. Every Marine is used to people seeking to provoke us with jokes about our wet feet or salt-encrusted tunics, but when a member of an inferior regiment makes crude references inviting our ladies to try handling the weapon of a real man, enough is enough.
† Lt Col de Fer, RM

France News
Petite Henri intends to evict all Parisians not wearing eyeshadow.

To all members of the Royal Foot Guards, the King’s Musketeers, and the Cardinal’s Guard.
Monsieur Danseur of the Dragoon Guards has an issue with my promotion of the Queen’s Own Carabiniers. As he hasn’t the intelligence to write to your directly, I thought I would just check that none of you has an issue with my announcements.
† Count Thyme, Colonel of Queen’s Own Carabiniers

The Play What I Wrote

Scoop: Update on the upcoming Play of the season “Diable et L’Eau Sombre” by Director Arent Hayes from our theatrical reporter Monsieur Sy Cophant.
SY “How are you finding the time for all of this?”
AH “Well, after a hard day in the office working for our great Field Marshall – we are very lucky to have him, you know – an evening of intense rehearsals is just what is needed. No rest for the wicked, ha ha!”
SY “I hear you have some casting news.”
AH “Yes, we have managed to procure the services of the great renowned 38 year old Marie Ragueneau de L’Estrange, aka Mademoiselle Le Grange, into our lead heroine role of Sara Wassall, Madame Fifi Whiplash from the Maison du Pain, Montmartre as Creesjie Jens and Sammy Phipps has agreed to play himself. I have offered the role of the leper who burns alive at the start of the play to ex-CPS Baron Toothpick, a renowned pantomime villain, as he would be able to play the role without makeup (saving costs) and most of Paris would cheer if he went up in smoke. He has yet to respond.”
SY “I had better leave you to it.”
AH “Thanks Sy, tickets on sale soon.”

Poetry Corner

(All signed poetry submissions gain their author at least 1 SP)

“A Little Song for the Gentlemen of Paris”
(To be sung, badly, by men who have had too much wine and not enough sleep.)
There’s a fellow in the salon with a very fine wig,
Who trembles at a puddle and swoons at a pig.
He’ll duel for his honour over the cut of a sleeve,
But ask him to the siege-lines and watch him take leave!
    Oh the real men go marching, tra-la, tra-la,
    While the silly men are dancing in the Paris salons, ha ha!
    One catches a musket-ball, the other a cold,
    Guess which of the two will have a tale to be told?
I hear even Colonel Blanc-Chevaux himself rides for the front this season – so gentlemen, if your own Colonel can trade his slippers for stirrups, what excuse remains for you? None, I think, but the tailor’s bill.
Written with great affection, and no small amount of mud on my boots.
† Bt. Captain Pierre Newkirk, Picardy Musketeers, at the Front

“No Glory in the Mud”
1 They tell us of glory, they tell us of France,
Of banners unfurling and trumpets’ advance –
No one has told them what glory becomes
When it’s face-down and cold to the sound of the drums.
2 The mud does not care for your name or your line,
It swallows the brave and the coward in kind.
We dig in the muck for a man we called friend,
And write “gloriously” the word for his end.
3 So sing if you must of the splendour of war –
We who have seen it don’t sing any more.
There is no poetry left in a grave
Dug quick, dug shallow, for one who was brave.
Submitted without name, from the siege lines